Little Green Lizard

If you have raised kids (or been one), and gone through the pet
syndrome including toilet-flush burials for dead goldfish, etc., youll understand.

Overview: I had to take my sons lizard to the vet. Heres what happened:

Just after dinner one night, my son came up to tell me there was
"something wrong" with one of the two lizards he holds prisoner in his room.

"Hes just lying there looking sick," he told me. "Im serious, Dad..Can you help?"

I put my best lizard-healer statement on my face and followed him into his
bedroom. One of the little lizards was indeed lying on his back, looking stressed.
I immediately knew what to do.

"Honey," I called, "come look at the lizard!"

"Oh my gosh," my wife diagnosed after a minute. "Shes having babies."

"What?" my son demanded. "But their names are Bert and Ernie, Mom!"
I was equally outraged. "Hey, how can that be? I thought we said we didnt
want them to reproduce," I accused my wife.

"Well, what do you want me to do, post a sign in their cage?" she inquired.
(I actually think she said this sarcastically!)

"No, but you were supposed to get two boys!" I reminded her, (in my most
loving, calm, sweet voice, while gritting my teeth together).

"Yeah, Bert and Ernie!" my son agreed.

"Well, its just a little hard to tell on some guys, you know," she informed me.
(Again with the sarcasm, you think?)

By now the rest of the family had gathered to see what was going on. I shrugged,
deciding to make the best of it. "Kids, this is going to be a wondrous experience,
I announced. "Were about to witness the miracle of birth."

"Oh, gross!" they shrieked.

"Well, isnt THAT just great! What are we going to do with a litter of tiny little
lizard babies?" my wife wanted to know. (I really do think she was being snotty here,
too. Dont you?) We peered at the patient. After much struggling, what looked like
a tiny foot would appear briefly, vanishing a scant second later.

"We dont appear to be making much progress," I noted.

"Its breech," my wife whispered, horrified.

"Do something, Dad!" my son urged.

"Okay, okay." Squeamishly, I reached in and grabbed the foot when it next
appeared, giving it a gingerly tug. It disappeared. I tried several more times
with the same results.

"Should I call 911," my eldest daughter wanted to know. "Maybe they could
talk us through the trauma." (You see a pattern here with the females in
my house?)

"Lets get Ernie to the vet," I said grimly.

We drove to the vet with my son holding the cage in his lap.
"Breathe, Ernie, breathe," he urged.

"I dont think lizards do Lamaze," his mother noted to him. (Women can
be so cruel to their own young. I mean what she does to me is one thing,
but this boy is of her womb, for Gods sake.)

The Vet took Ernie back to the examining room and peered at the little
animal through a magnifying glass. "What do you think, Doc, a C-section?"
I suggested scientifically.

"Oh, very interesting," he murmured. "Mr. and Mrs. Cameron, may I speak
to you privately for a moment?" I gulped, nodding for my son to step outside.

"Is Ernie going to be okay?" my wife asked.

"Oh, perfectly," the Vet assured us. "This lizard is not in labor. In fact,
that isnt EVER going to happen... Ernie is a boy. You see, Ernie is a young
male. And occasionally, as they come into maturity, like most male species,
they.... masterbate. Just the way he did, lying on his back." He blushed,
glancing at my wife. "Well, you know what Im saying, Mr. Cameron."

We were silent, absorbing this!

"So Ernies just...just... excited," my wife offered.

"Exactly," the vet replied, relieved that we understood.

More silence. Then my vicious, cruel wife started to giggle, and giggle
and then even laugh loudly.

"Whats so funny?" I demanded, knowing, but not believing that the woman
I married would commit the upcoming affront to my flawless manliness.

Tears were now running down her face. "Its just...that... Im picturing
you pulling on its .... its...teeny little..." She gasped for more air to bellow
in laughter once more.

"Thats enough," I warned. We thanked the Vet and hurriedly bundled the
lizards and our son back into the car. He was glad everything was going
to be okay.

"I know Ernies really thankful for what youve done, Dad," he told me.

"Oh, you have NO idea," my wife agreed, collapsing with laughter.

2 Lizards - $140...
1 Cage - $50...
Trip to the Vet - $30...
Memory of your husband pulling on a lizards tallywacker.....Priceless!