Good Bye Weekly World News :( Θ Θ

In case you haven't heard, the Weekly World News announced that they will no longer be publishing and selling their weekly news magizen.

This is SO SAD!!

Personally, I love the Weekly World News and hate to see it go -- after all, I can only take so much of Lindsey's latest rehab stories, who's too skiny, too fat, and who's cheating on who.

I even got my current events for high school history out of that paper!!

The Weekly World News is going to be missed! But I have gathered a few of the best covers for your enjoyment!

Dear Dotti Θ Θ

Since the Weekly World News is going to stop publishing, I want to take time to share one of my favorite columns, Dear Dotti.



You can find more of her work if you Google it, but here are some of the best. Hope you enjoy!!

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PLEASE HELP MY BLOODSUCKING BOYFRIEND



DEAR DOTTI: When I caught my guy giving another girl a hickey, he said he needed to drink her blood to stay alive. He explained that he's a real vampire, and if I don't let him see other girls so he can feed, it will be my fault if he dies. Dotti, he sounds so sincere. Can you recommend a blood specialist who will help me free him from his curse? -- Going Batty in Akron



Dear Going Batty: Talk about a sucker! You should see a doctor yourself -- Dr. Frankenstein! Ask him for a brain transplant so you can wise up and ditch that two-timing stiff you've been wasting your time on.

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Dear Dotti:
I punched out my mother-in-law the other night and my husband keeps insisting that I apologize. I don't think I should apologize because she started the fight.

We started arguing about religion over dinner and drinks and tempers really were flaring by the time we finished our rum cake dessert. I tried to cool things off by changing the subject to politics, but she kept hammering me because I don't take the Bible literally and she does. She kept pressing me to admit that Noah put every animal on Earth in a wooden boat to ride out the storm. She kept pressuring me to admit that Jesus was the product of a virgin birth. She kept pressuring me to admit that Satan is blood red and carries a pitchfork. I consider myself a good Christian lady, Dotti. But I'm human and can only take so much guff. Finally, I got tired of her lip and punched her stupid lights out. When she regained consciousness, she threatened to come back and shoot me and stomped out of the house. We haven't spoken since then, but she told my husband she'd forgive me if I apologized. But I shouldn't be the one to apologize because I'm in the right and she's in the wrong. Right?

-- Gail in Utah Dear Gail:

Who am I to pass judgement on a couple of boozers like you especially since The Good Lord is bound to do it for me when you croak ... and He sends the two of you straight to Hell!

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Dear Dotti:
My 8-year-old son was injured in a car wreck last year. Because his face was scarred, the insurance company wrote a check for $2,000 to keep us from suing. I figured it would be a nice down payment for his college. But his daddy thought otherwise -- and spent the money on a new set of golf clubs for himself. I tried to stop him, but he said, "Back off! He's my son so that cash is mine!" Now I feel like the world's worst mother because I was too weak to stand up for my son. What do you think? My husband insists he had the right to spend the money because our son is a minor.

-- Betty in Mississippi



Dear Betty:
The same law that gave your husband the right to blow your son's money on golf clubs gives you the right to pop him upside the head with a seven iron anytime you like. Aside from that, why the hell did you accept $2,O00? A disfigured 8-year-old is worth $2 MILLION -- $5 million if the little runt used to be cute!

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Dear Dotti:
All my friends told me not to get cozy with a lady locksmith and now I've got nothing but trouble on my hands. First, let me say I'm a one-woman man and I expect my gal to be a one-man woman. To make sure she's toeing the line, I make my woman wear a chastity belt so I won't worry about her doing something she shouldn't when I'm not around. The chastity belt worked fine in the past. But now that I'm dating a locksmith there's no way to tell what's going on. Every time I turn around, she's busted loose and for all I know, she could be loving it up with every man in town. She says she wouldn't even dream of cheating on me, but as we all know, words are cheap. She likes you and told me to ask you if you see anything wrong with making a woman wear a chastity belt. She said she'll wear it without complaining, if you think it's okay.

-- Bill in Minnesota

Dear Bill:
I don't see anything wrong with making a woman wear a chastity belt as long as you wear a strait-jacket. While you're at it why not stuff socks in your mouth, wrap your head in duct tape and sit on a hot plate --jerk!

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Dear Dotti:
I'm so lonely I could just die -- and it doesn't seem fair. As a handsome, well-built man of 29, I should have my pick of women. I make good money. And I treat women right when I find one to go out with. That's the problem -- almost every gal my age has been married and divorced. Call me old-fashioned, but I don't want anything to do with any divorcee. What do I have to do to find a girl who isn't divorced? And don't tell me it's not possible to find one, because my best friend sure found one. His little lady has never even thought about divorce!

-- Leon in Ohio



Dear Leon:
Maybe the girls just don't think you're as "well-built" as you do, short stuff. But since your best friend's wife is so great, wait until he turns his back ... and ask her out!

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Dear Dotti:
My boyfriend has the worst luck. His condoms always "fail" which puts me at risk of getting pregnant or catching some disease. I've told him to buy better brands, but he insists on the cheap ones from the vending machines. I mean, like, yeah -- they're red. But one of these days, I'll end up pregnant, and then he'll be sorry. How can I get him to wise up and buy condoms like the ones advertised on TV?
-- Ann in Iowa


Dear Ann:
I'll send you a life time supply of the finest condoms money can buy after you swear to get your tubes tied and do everything necessary to eliminate every conceivable chance you might accidentally breed!

Just a Small Side Note . . . . Θ Θ

I can't wait to try this!! Θ Θ

My new favorite beer:

And my new medication:

How I Feel Somedays Θ Θ

Just In Time For Summer!! Θ Θ

To see the full story:

I Think I'm Going To Change My Voicemail!

I dialed a number and got the following recording:

"I am not available right now, but Thank You for taking the time and caring enough to call. I am making some changes in my life. Please leave a message after the beep. If I do not return your call, you are on of the changes. Hope you have a good day."

Be Discreet

6 retired Floridian were playing poker in the condo clubhouse when Conway lost $500 on a single hand. As soon as the hand was finished, he clutched his chest and dropped dead at the table. Showing respect for their fallen comrade, the other five continued playing, but standing up.

Finally, Hendricks asked, "So who's going to tell his wife?"

They drew straw and Thompson picked the short one. They told him to be discreet, be gentle, and don't make a bad situation any worse.

"Discreet?!!? I'm the most discreet person you'll ever meet. Discretion is my middle name – leave it to me!!" Exclaimed Thompson.

He then went over to the Conway apartment, and knocked on the door. The wife answered and asked what he wanted, to which Thompson declared, "Your husband just lost $500 playing poker and he's afraid to come home tonight."

The wife, upset replied, "Then tell him to drop dead!!"

"Ok, I will." And Thompson turned and left.

Watch What You Say

2 Arab terrorists are in a locker room taking a shower after their bomb making class, when one notices the other has a huge cork stuck up his ass.

"If you don't mind me asking," the first one said to the second one, "Why do you have a cork up your ass? Why don't you take it out because it looks very uncomfortable?"

"I regret that I can't" said the second one. "It is permanently stuck in my ass."

"I don't understand," said the first one, "What happened?"

The second one explained, "Well, I was walking on a beach one day and tripped over an oil lamp. There was a puff of smoke and then a huge old man in an American flag suit and white beard came out. He said, 'Hi!. I am Uncle Sam the great American Genie. I can grant you one wish.' To which I said, 'NO SHIT!!'"

Breakfast With the President

Dick Cheney and George W. Bush are having breakfast together. The attractive

waitress asks Cheney what he would like, and he replies,

"I'd like a bowl of oatmeal and some fruit, please."

"And what can I get for you, Mr. President?" asks the waitress.

George W. looks up from his menu and replies with his trademark wink and
slight grin, "How about a quickie this morning?"

"Why, Mr. President!" exclaims the waitress. "How rude! You're starting to
act just like Mr. Clinton," she says angrily before storming off.

Cheney leans over to Bush and whispers........
"It's pronounced 'quiche'."

Aggie Vet School

First-year students at Texas A&M's Vet School were receiving their first anatomy class, with a real dead cow. They all gathered around the surgery table with the body covered with a white sheet. The professor started the class by telling them, "In vet medicine it is necessary to have two important qualities as a doctor: The first is that you not be disgusted by anything involving the animal body. For an example, the Professor pulled back the sheet, stuck his finger in the butt of the dead cow, withdrew it and stuck it in his mouth. "Go ahead and do the same thing," he told his students.

The students freaked out, hesitated for several minutes. But eventually took turns sticking a finger in the anal opening of the dead cow and sucking on it.

When everyone finished, the Professor looked at them and told them "The second most important quality is observation. I stuck in my middle finger and sucked on my index finger. Now learn to pay attention."

Butt Measurement

A man and his wife were working in their garden one day and the man looks over at his wife and says, "Your butt is getting really big, I mean really big. I bet your butt is bigger than the barbecue grill."

With that, he proceeded to get a measuring tape and measured the grill and then went over to where his wife was working and measured his wife's' bottom "Yes, I was right, your butt is two inches wider than the barbecue grill!!!"

The woman chose to ignore her husband.

Later that night in bed, the husband is feeling frisky. He makes some advances towards his wife who completely brushes him off.

What's wrong?" he asks

She answers, "Do you really think I'm going to fire up this big-ass grill for one little wiener?"

Ear Hair

My neighbor found out her dog could hardly hear so she took it to the veterinarian. He found that the problem was hair in its ears. He cleaned both ears and the dog could hear fine. The vet then proceeded to tell the lady that if she wanted to keep this from recurring she should go to the store and get some"Nair" hair remover and rub it in the dog's ears once a month.

The lady goes to the drug store and gets some "Nair" hair remover.

At the register the druggist tells her, "If you're going to use this under your arms don't use deodorant for a few days."

The lady says: "I'm not using it under my arms."

The druggist says: "If you're using it on your legs don't shave for a couple of days."

The lady says: "I'm not using it on my legs either; if you must know,

I'm using it on my schnauzer."

The druggist says: "Stay off your bicycle for a week."

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Side Note: Please don't use Nair in your dog's ear.

Boys Are Stupid

WOMAN'S PERFECT BREAKFAST

She's sitting at the table with her gourmet coffee.
Her son is on the cover of the Wheaties box.
Her daughter is on the cover of Business Week..
Her boyfriend is on the cover of Playgirl.
And her husband is on the back of the milk carton.

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WOMEN'S REVENGE

"Cash, check or charge?" I asked, after folding items the woman wished to purchase.
As she fumbled for her wallet , I noticed a remote control for a television set in her purse. "So, do you always carry your TV remote?" I asked. "No," she replied, "but my husband refused to come shopping with me, and I figured this was the most evil thing I could do to him legally."

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UNDERSTANDING WOMEN
(A MAN'S PERSPECTIVE)

I know I'm not going to understand women.
I'll never understand how you can take boiling hot wax,
pour it onto your upper thigh, rip the hair out by the root,
and still be afraid of a spider.

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MARRIAGE SEMINAR

While attending a Marriage Seminar dealing with communication, Tom and his wife Grace listened to the instructor, "It is essential that husbands and wives know each other's likes and dislikes.."

He addressed the man, "Can you name your wife's favorite flower?"

Tom leaned over, touched his wife's arm gently and whispered, "It's Pillsbury, isn't it?

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WIFE VS. HUSBAND

A couple drove down a country road for several miles, not saying a word.

An earlier discussion had led to an argument and neither of them wanted to concede their position.

As they passed a barnyard of mules, goats, and pigs, the husband asked sarcastically, "Relatives of yours?"

"Yep," the wife replied, "in-laws."


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WORDS

A husband read an article to his wife about how many words women use a day... 30,000 to a man's 15,000.

The wife replied, "The reason has to be because we have to repeat everything to men..

The husband then turned to his wife and asked, "What?"

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CREATION

A man said to his wife one day, "I don't know how you can be so stupid and so beautiful all at the same time.

"The wife responded, "Allow me to explain.
God made me beautiful so you would be attracted to me;
God made me stupid so I would be attracted to you !

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WHO DOES WHAT

A man and his wife were having an argument about who should brew the coffee each morning.

The wife said, "You should do it because you get up first, and then we don't have to wait as long to get our coffee.

The husband said, "You are in charge of cooking around here and you should do it, because that is your job, and I can just wait for my coffee."

Wife replies, "No, you should do it, and besides, it is in the Bible that the man should do the coffee."

Husband replies, "I can't believe that, show me."

So she fetched the Bible, and opened the New Testament and showed him at the top of several pages, that it indeed says ......... "HEBREWS"

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The Silent Treatment

A man and his wife were having some problems at home and were giving each other the silent treatment.

Suddenly, the man realized that the next day, he would need his wife to wake him at 5:0 0 AM for an early morning business flight.

Not wanting to be the first to break the silence (and LOSE), he wrote on a piece of pap "Please wake me at 5:00 AM ." He left it where he knew she would find it.

The next morning, the man woke up, only to discover it was 9:00 AM and he had missed his flight Furious, he was about to go and see why his wife hadn't wakened him,
when he noticed a piece of paper by the bed.

The paper said, "It is 5:00 AM . Wake up."

Men are not equipped for these kinds of contests.

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God may have created man before woman, but there is always a rough draft before the masterpiece

How The World Works

Be sure to read the final paragraph, but your understanding of it will
depend on the earlier part of the content. This is amazing. . .

You may have seen MOST of this before, but not the last paragraph/s.
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The US standard railroad gauge (distance between the rails) is 4 feet, 8.5 inches. That's an exceedingly odd number.

Why was that gauge used? Because that's the way they built them in England, and English expatriates built the US railroads.

Why did the English build them like that? Because the first rail lines were
built by the same people who built the pre-railroad tramways, and that's the
gauge they used.

Why did "they" use that gauge then? Because the people who built the
tramways used the same jigs and tools that they used for building wagons,
which used that wheel spacing.

Why did the wagons have that particular odd wheel spacing? Well, if they
tried to use any other spacing, the wagon wheels would break on some of the old, long distance roads in England, because that's the spacing of the wheel
ruts.

So who built those old rutted roads? Imperial Rome built the first long
distance roads in Europe (and England ) for their legions. The roads have
been used ever since.

And the ruts in the roads? Roman war chariots formed the initial ruts, which
everyone else had to match for fear of destroying their wagon wheels. Since
the chariots were made for Imperial Rome, they were all alike in the matter
of wheel spacing. Therefore the United States standard railroad gauge of 4
feet, 8.5 inches is derived from the original specifications for an Imperial
Roman war chariot. Bureaucracies live forever.

So the next time you are handed a Specification/ Procedure/ Process and
wonder "What horse's ass came up with it?" you may be exactly right.
Imperial Roman army chariots were made just wide enough to accommodate the back ends of the rear ends of two war horses. (Two horses' asses.) Now, the twist to the story:

When you see a Space Shuttle sitting on its launch pad, there are two big
booster rockets attached to the sides of the main fuel tank. These are solid
rocket boosters, or SRBs. The SRBs are made by Thiokol at their factory in
Utah . The engineers who designed the SRBs would have preferred to make them a bit fatter, but the SRBs had to be shipped by train from the factory to
the launch site. The railroad line from the factory happens to run through a tunnel in the mountains. And the SRBs had to fit through that tunnel. The tunnel is slightly wider than the railroad track, and the railroad track, as you now know,is about as wide as two horses' behinds.

So, a major Space Shuttle design feature of what is arguably the world's
most advanced transportation system was determined over two thousand years ago by the width of a horse's ass. And you thought being a horse's ass
wasn't important? Ancient horse's asses control almost everything....and
CURRENT Horse's Asses are controlling everything else!!