One morning while making breakfast, a man walked up to his wife, pinched her on the butt and said...
"If you firmed this up, we could get rid of your control top pantyhose."
While this was on the edge of intolerable, she kept silent.
The next morning, the man woke his wife with a pinch on each of her breasts and said....
"You know, if you firmed these up, we could get rid of your bra."
This was beyond a silent response...
So she rolled over and grabbed him by his 'DANGLER.'
With a death grip in place, she said...
"You know, if you firmed this up, we could get rid of the gardener, the postman, the pool man, AND your brother!"
Thanx Kat!
Thursday, June 14, 2007
Wednesday, June 13, 2007
He Should Have Known Better
A man left work on Friday afternoon, but instead of going home, he stayed out the entire weekend with the boys and spent his entire paycheck.
When he finally appeared at home on Sunday night, he was confronted by his VERY angry wife and was barraged for nearly two hours because of his actions.
Finally, his wife stopped the nagging and said to him, "How would you like it if you didn't see me for two or three days?"
To which he replied. "That would be fine with me."
Monday went by and he didn't see his wife.
Tuesday went by and he didn't see his wife.
Wednesday went by and he didn't see his wife.
Thursday, the swelling went down just enough where he could see her a little out of the corner of his left eye.
When he finally appeared at home on Sunday night, he was confronted by his VERY angry wife and was barraged for nearly two hours because of his actions.
Finally, his wife stopped the nagging and said to him, "How would you like it if you didn't see me for two or three days?"
To which he replied. "That would be fine with me."
Monday went by and he didn't see his wife.
Tuesday went by and he didn't see his wife.
Wednesday went by and he didn't see his wife.
Thursday, the swelling went down just enough where he could see her a little out of the corner of his left eye.
Thursday, May 31, 2007
WHITE MIKE Θ Θ
I've seen him in person and felt the need to share some of his wisdom. For more White Mike, check his AXE MIKE PAGE or his Myspace.
Here's a sample:
Barry say: Thank you for doing so much to educate people regarding God's Law. I have learned a great deal from your show, and try to share that knowledge with as many people as I can. When someone tries to defend the homosexual lifestyle, for example, I simply remind them that Leviticus 18:22 clearly states it to be an abomination. End of debate.
I do need some advice from you, however, regarding some other elements of God's Law and how to follow them.
White Mike say: No sweat Holmes. Got ya covered. Do's what I can.
Barry: 1. When I burn a bull on the altar as a sacrifice, I know it creates a pleasing odor for the Lord - Lev.1:9. The problem is my neighbors. They claim the odor is not pleasing to them. Should I smite them?
White Mike: Fuck yeah, slice. Hit them hard. Hit them often. Beat that nonsense out of them. They will soon love the odor. I promise. It's God's will !!!!
Barry: 2. I would like to sell my daughter into slavery, as sanctioned in Exodus 21:7. In this day and age, what do you think would be a fair price for her?
White Mike: Dat be easy...A dollar two ninety eight.
Barry: 3. I know that I am allowed no contact with a woman while she is in her period of menstrual uncleanliness - Lev.15: 19-24. The problem is how do I tell? I have tried asking, but most women take offense.
White Mike: You can always tell because any animal that's around (dog, cat, lizard, snake, etc...) be all up in dat puss. Trying to get at it somehow. A sniff o' a lick. They love the dirty panties, too. Look fo dat. Also, dey usually be agitated, temperamental cunts round dat time. Keep a ear out fo dat, too.
Barry: 4. Lev. 25:44 states that I may indeed possess slaves, both male and female, provided they are purchased from neighboring nations. A friend of mine claims that this applies to Mexicans, but not Canadians. Can you clarify? Why can't I own Canadians?
White Mike: You CAN own Canadians but they smoke so much weed that dey be no good as slaves. Also, it be funner to hit the Mexicans. You get a little more English out of them the harder you hit them. The Canadians know English so dat be no fun.
Barry: 5. I have a neighbor who insists on working on the Sabbath. Exodus 35:2. The passage clearly states he should be put to death.
White Mike: Yes. Kill the neighbor. If you don't, pretty soon e'rbody be workin' on da Sabbath and da sanctity o' da Sabbath will be compromised. Da whole world will go to hell. Don't matter if dey don't believe what you's believes. You be write. If you's do not follow da Bibles literal words, you be going to hell fo eternity, Holmes!
Barry: Much appreciated...
White Mike: Zghea, WM
Here's a sample:
Barry say: Thank you for doing so much to educate people regarding God's Law. I have learned a great deal from your show, and try to share that knowledge with as many people as I can. When someone tries to defend the homosexual lifestyle, for example, I simply remind them that Leviticus 18:22 clearly states it to be an abomination. End of debate.
I do need some advice from you, however, regarding some other elements of God's Law and how to follow them.
White Mike say: No sweat Holmes. Got ya covered. Do's what I can.
Barry: 1. When I burn a bull on the altar as a sacrifice, I know it creates a pleasing odor for the Lord - Lev.1:9. The problem is my neighbors. They claim the odor is not pleasing to them. Should I smite them?
White Mike: Fuck yeah, slice. Hit them hard. Hit them often. Beat that nonsense out of them. They will soon love the odor. I promise. It's God's will !!!!
Barry: 2. I would like to sell my daughter into slavery, as sanctioned in Exodus 21:7. In this day and age, what do you think would be a fair price for her?
White Mike: Dat be easy...A dollar two ninety eight.
Barry: 3. I know that I am allowed no contact with a woman while she is in her period of menstrual uncleanliness - Lev.15: 19-24. The problem is how do I tell? I have tried asking, but most women take offense.
White Mike: You can always tell because any animal that's around (dog, cat, lizard, snake, etc...) be all up in dat puss. Trying to get at it somehow. A sniff o' a lick. They love the dirty panties, too. Look fo dat. Also, dey usually be agitated, temperamental cunts round dat time. Keep a ear out fo dat, too.
Barry: 4. Lev. 25:44 states that I may indeed possess slaves, both male and female, provided they are purchased from neighboring nations. A friend of mine claims that this applies to Mexicans, but not Canadians. Can you clarify? Why can't I own Canadians?
White Mike: You CAN own Canadians but they smoke so much weed that dey be no good as slaves. Also, it be funner to hit the Mexicans. You get a little more English out of them the harder you hit them. The Canadians know English so dat be no fun.
Barry: 5. I have a neighbor who insists on working on the Sabbath. Exodus 35:2. The passage clearly states he should be put to death.
White Mike: Yes. Kill the neighbor. If you don't, pretty soon e'rbody be workin' on da Sabbath and da sanctity o' da Sabbath will be compromised. Da whole world will go to hell. Don't matter if dey don't believe what you's believes. You be write. If you's do not follow da Bibles literal words, you be going to hell fo eternity, Holmes!
Barry: Much appreciated...
White Mike: Zghea, WM
When Hallmark Writers Have A Bad Day
My tire was thumping. I thought it was flat
When I looked at the tire... I noticed your cat. Sorry!
Heard your wife left you, How upset you must be. But don't fret about it... She moved in with me.
Looking back over the years that we've been together, I can't help but wonder... "What the hell was I thinking?"
Congratulations on your wedding day! Too bad no one likes your husband.
How could two people as beautiful as you Have such an ugly baby?
I've always wanted to have someone to hold, someone to love. After having met you .. I've changed my mind.
I must admit, you brought Religion into my life. I never believed in Hell until I met you.
As the days go by, I think of how lucky I am... That you're not here to ruin it for me.
Congratulations on your promotion. Before you go... Would you like to take this knife out of my back? You'll probably need it again.
Happy Birthday, Uncle Dad! (Available only in Tennessee, Kentucky & West Virginia)
Happy birthday! You look great for your age. Almost Lifelike!
When we were together, you always said you'd die for me. Now that we've broken up, I think it's time you kept your promise.
We have been friends for a very long time .. let's say we stop?
I'm so miserable without you it's almost like you're here.
Congratulations on your new bundle of joy. Did you ever find out who the father was?
Your friends and I wanted to do something special for your birthday. So we're having you put to sleep.
So your daughter's a hooker, and it spoiled your day. Look at the bright side, it's really good pay.
You had to fire me, 'cause you said business sucks. So I sold your credit card number, on Ebay for big bucks.
When I looked at the tire... I noticed your cat. Sorry!
Heard your wife left you, How upset you must be. But don't fret about it... She moved in with me.
Looking back over the years that we've been together, I can't help but wonder... "What the hell was I thinking?"
Congratulations on your wedding day! Too bad no one likes your husband.
How could two people as beautiful as you Have such an ugly baby?
I've always wanted to have someone to hold, someone to love. After having met you .. I've changed my mind.
I must admit, you brought Religion into my life. I never believed in Hell until I met you.
As the days go by, I think of how lucky I am... That you're not here to ruin it for me.
Congratulations on your promotion. Before you go... Would you like to take this knife out of my back? You'll probably need it again.
Happy Birthday, Uncle Dad! (Available only in Tennessee, Kentucky & West Virginia)
Happy birthday! You look great for your age. Almost Lifelike!
When we were together, you always said you'd die for me. Now that we've broken up, I think it's time you kept your promise.
We have been friends for a very long time .. let's say we stop?
I'm so miserable without you it's almost like you're here.
Congratulations on your new bundle of joy. Did you ever find out who the father was?
Your friends and I wanted to do something special for your birthday. So we're having you put to sleep.
So your daughter's a hooker, and it spoiled your day. Look at the bright side, it's really good pay.
You had to fire me, 'cause you said business sucks. So I sold your credit card number, on Ebay for big bucks.
High Tech
A guy walks into a bar and sits down. After a few minutes, he starts dialing on the back of his hand as if it's a telephone. He then flips his hand over and starts talking into his palm. The bartender walks over and tells the guy it's a tough neighborhood and he doesn't need any trouble from weirdos.
"You don't understand," the man says. "I'm very high tech. I've had a phone installed in my hand because I was tired of carrying a cell."
"Prove it!"
So the guy dials up a number and presents his hand to the bartender. The bartender talks into the hand and carries on a brief conversation.
"That's incredible," says the bartender. "I would never have believed it!"
"Yeah," says the guy. "I can keep in touch with my broker, my wife, you name it. By the way, where is the men's room?"
The bartender directs him to the men's room. The guy goes in and five, ten, twenty minutes go by. Fearing the worst given the violence in the neighborhood, the bartender goes into the men's room. The guy is spread-eagled against the wall. His pants are pulled down and he has a roll of toilet paper shoved up his butt.
"Oh my god!" says the bartender. "Did the locals rob you? Are you hurt?"
The guy casually turns around and says, "No, I'm OK. I'm just waiting for a fax."
"You don't understand," the man says. "I'm very high tech. I've had a phone installed in my hand because I was tired of carrying a cell."
"Prove it!"
So the guy dials up a number and presents his hand to the bartender. The bartender talks into the hand and carries on a brief conversation.
"That's incredible," says the bartender. "I would never have believed it!"
"Yeah," says the guy. "I can keep in touch with my broker, my wife, you name it. By the way, where is the men's room?"
The bartender directs him to the men's room. The guy goes in and five, ten, twenty minutes go by. Fearing the worst given the violence in the neighborhood, the bartender goes into the men's room. The guy is spread-eagled against the wall. His pants are pulled down and he has a roll of toilet paper shoved up his butt.
"Oh my god!" says the bartender. "Did the locals rob you? Are you hurt?"
The guy casually turns around and says, "No, I'm OK. I'm just waiting for a fax."
A Few Quick Ones
A man comes in to the room and says to his wife, "I'm going to the pub. Get your coat on."
The wife, overjoyed that he has included her in his activity replies, "Does that mean that you are taking me with you, darling?"
The husband replies, "No - I'm turning the heating off."
------------------------------------
The car sped off the highway, went through the guard rail, rolled down a cliff, bounced off a tree and finally shuddered to a stop. A passing motorist, who had witnessed the entire accident, helped the miraculously unharmed driver out of the wreck.
"Good lord, mister," he gasped, "Are you drunk?"
"Of course," said the man, brushing the dirt from his suit. "What the hell do you think I am ... a stunt driver?"
------------------------------------
Two buddies were sharing drinks while discussing their wives. "Does your wife ever...well, you know...does she...well, let you do it doggie style?" asked one of the two.
"Well, not exactly," his friend replied, "She's more into the trick dog aspect of it."
"Oh, I see. Kinky stuff, huh?"
"Well, not exactly. Whenever I make a move, she's most likely to roll over and play dead.
------------------------------------
A guy goes up to a girl in bar and asks, "You want to play "Magic"?"
She says, "What's that?"
The guy answers, "We go to my house and screw, and then you disappear."
------------------------------------
A man with a wooden eye was sitting at a bar one night. He glanced across the room and noticed a very attractive woman with just one flaw, she had a very large nose. He was very self-conscious about his eye but got up the nerve to ask her for a dance.
"Would you like to dance with me?" he asked.
She replied, "Would I!" and he sneered and told her,"BIG NOSE!"
------------------------------------
A guy travelling through the prairies of the USA stopped at a small town and went to a bar. He stood at the end of the bar, ordered a drink, and lit up a cigar. As he sipped his drink, he stood there quietly blowing smoke rings.
After he blew nine or ten smoke rings into the air, an angry American Indian stomped up to him and said, "One more remark like that and I'll smash your face in!"
The wife, overjoyed that he has included her in his activity replies, "Does that mean that you are taking me with you, darling?"
The husband replies, "No - I'm turning the heating off."
------------------------------------
The car sped off the highway, went through the guard rail, rolled down a cliff, bounced off a tree and finally shuddered to a stop. A passing motorist, who had witnessed the entire accident, helped the miraculously unharmed driver out of the wreck.
"Good lord, mister," he gasped, "Are you drunk?"
"Of course," said the man, brushing the dirt from his suit. "What the hell do you think I am ... a stunt driver?"
------------------------------------
Two buddies were sharing drinks while discussing their wives. "Does your wife ever...well, you know...does she...well, let you do it doggie style?" asked one of the two.
"Well, not exactly," his friend replied, "She's more into the trick dog aspect of it."
"Oh, I see. Kinky stuff, huh?"
"Well, not exactly. Whenever I make a move, she's most likely to roll over and play dead.
------------------------------------
A guy goes up to a girl in bar and asks, "You want to play "Magic"?"
She says, "What's that?"
The guy answers, "We go to my house and screw, and then you disappear."
------------------------------------
A man with a wooden eye was sitting at a bar one night. He glanced across the room and noticed a very attractive woman with just one flaw, she had a very large nose. He was very self-conscious about his eye but got up the nerve to ask her for a dance.
"Would you like to dance with me?" he asked.
She replied, "Would I!" and he sneered and told her,"BIG NOSE!"
------------------------------------
A guy travelling through the prairies of the USA stopped at a small town and went to a bar. He stood at the end of the bar, ordered a drink, and lit up a cigar. As he sipped his drink, he stood there quietly blowing smoke rings.
After he blew nine or ten smoke rings into the air, an angry American Indian stomped up to him and said, "One more remark like that and I'll smash your face in!"
Saturday, April 28, 2007
Viagra Logos
The boss of a Madison Avenue advertising agency called a spontaneous staff meeting in the middle of a particularly stressful week. (This is one pretty sharp boss!) When everyone gathered, the boss, who understood the benefits of having fun, told the burnt-out staff the purpose of the meeting was to have a quick contest. The theme: Viagra advertising slogans. The only rule was that they had to use past ad slogans, originally written for other products, that captured the essence of Viagra. Slight variations were acceptable. About seven minutes later, they turned in their suggestions and created a Top Ten List. With all the laughter and camaraderie, the rest of the week went very well for everyone.
The top ten were:
10. Viagra, Wha azzzz up!
9. Viagra, The quicker pecker upper.
8. Viagra, Like a rock!
7. Viagra, When it absolutely, positively has to be there overnight.
6. Viagra, Be all that you can be.
5. Viagra, Reach out and touch someone.
4. Viagra, Strong enough for a man, but made for a woman.
3. Viagra, home of the whopper!
2. Viagra, We bring good things to Life!
And the unanimous number one slogan:
1. This is your winkie. This is your winkie on drugs.
The top ten were:
10. Viagra, Wha azzzz up!
9. Viagra, The quicker pecker upper.
8. Viagra, Like a rock!
7. Viagra, When it absolutely, positively has to be there overnight.
6. Viagra, Be all that you can be.
5. Viagra, Reach out and touch someone.
4. Viagra, Strong enough for a man, but made for a woman.
3. Viagra, home of the whopper!
2. Viagra, We bring good things to Life!
And the unanimous number one slogan:
1. This is your winkie. This is your winkie on drugs.
Rooster
AN OLD FARMER WENT TO TOWN TO SEE A MOVIE...
THE TICKET AGENT ASKED, "SIR, WHAT'S THAT ON YOUR SHOULDER?"
THE OLD FARMER SAID, "THAT'S MY PET ROOSTER CHUCK. WHEREVER I GO, CHUCK GOES."
"I'M SORRY SIR," SAID THE TICKET AGENT. "WE CAN'T ALLOW ANIMALS IN THE THEATER."
THE OLD FARMER WENT AROUND THE CORNER AND STUFFED THE BIRD DOWN HIS
OVERALLS. THEN HE RETURNED TO THE BOOTH, BOUGHT A TICKET, AND ENTERED THE
THEATER.
HE SAT DOWN NEXT TO TWO OLD WIDOWS NAMED MILDRED AND MARGE.THE MOVIE STARTED
AND THE ROOSTER BEGAN TO SQUIRM. THE OLD FARMER UNBUTTONED HIS FLY SO CHUCKY
COULD STICK HIS HEAD OUT AND WATCH THE MOVIE.
"MARGE," WHISPERED MILDRED.
"WHAT?" SAID MARGE.
"I THINK THE GUY NEXT TO ME IS A PERVERT."
"WHAT MAKES YOU THINK SO?" ASKED MARGE.
"HE UNDID HIS PANTS AND HE HAS HIS THING OUT," WHISPERED MILDRED.
"WELL, DON'T WORRY ABOUT IT," SAID MARGE. "HELL, AT OUR AGE WE'VE SEEN 'EM ALL"
"I THOUGHT SO TOO", SAID MILDRED, "BUT THIS ONE'S EATIN' MY POPCORN!"
THE TICKET AGENT ASKED, "SIR, WHAT'S THAT ON YOUR SHOULDER?"
THE OLD FARMER SAID, "THAT'S MY PET ROOSTER CHUCK. WHEREVER I GO, CHUCK GOES."
"I'M SORRY SIR," SAID THE TICKET AGENT. "WE CAN'T ALLOW ANIMALS IN THE THEATER."
THE OLD FARMER WENT AROUND THE CORNER AND STUFFED THE BIRD DOWN HIS
OVERALLS. THEN HE RETURNED TO THE BOOTH, BOUGHT A TICKET, AND ENTERED THE
THEATER.
HE SAT DOWN NEXT TO TWO OLD WIDOWS NAMED MILDRED AND MARGE.THE MOVIE STARTED
AND THE ROOSTER BEGAN TO SQUIRM. THE OLD FARMER UNBUTTONED HIS FLY SO CHUCKY
COULD STICK HIS HEAD OUT AND WATCH THE MOVIE.
"MARGE," WHISPERED MILDRED.
"WHAT?" SAID MARGE.
"I THINK THE GUY NEXT TO ME IS A PERVERT."
"WHAT MAKES YOU THINK SO?" ASKED MARGE.
"HE UNDID HIS PANTS AND HE HAS HIS THING OUT," WHISPERED MILDRED.
"WELL, DON'T WORRY ABOUT IT," SAID MARGE. "HELL, AT OUR AGE WE'VE SEEN 'EM ALL"
"I THOUGHT SO TOO", SAID MILDRED, "BUT THIS ONE'S EATIN' MY POPCORN!"
Sanity
Jim and Edna were both patients in a mental hospital.
One day while they were walking past the hospital swimming pool, Jim suddenly jumped into the deep end. He sank to the bottom of the pool and stayed there.
Edna promptly jumped in to save him. She swam to the bottom, pulled Jim out and brought him to his room.
When the hospital director became aware of Edna's heroic act, she immediately ordered that Edna be discharged from the hospital because she now considered Edna to be mentally stable.
She went to Edna and said, "I have some good news and some bad news. The good news is that you're being discharged because you responded so rationally to a crisis.
By jumping in the pool to save the life of another patient, you displayed Sound mindedness. The bad news is that Jim, the patient you saved, hung himself in his bathroom with his bathrobe belt right after you saved him. I am so sorry, but he's dead."
Edna replied, "He didn't hang himself. I put him there to dry. How soon can I go home?"
One day while they were walking past the hospital swimming pool, Jim suddenly jumped into the deep end. He sank to the bottom of the pool and stayed there.
Edna promptly jumped in to save him. She swam to the bottom, pulled Jim out and brought him to his room.
When the hospital director became aware of Edna's heroic act, she immediately ordered that Edna be discharged from the hospital because she now considered Edna to be mentally stable.
She went to Edna and said, "I have some good news and some bad news. The good news is that you're being discharged because you responded so rationally to a crisis.
By jumping in the pool to save the life of another patient, you displayed Sound mindedness. The bad news is that Jim, the patient you saved, hung himself in his bathroom with his bathrobe belt right after you saved him. I am so sorry, but he's dead."
Edna replied, "He didn't hang himself. I put him there to dry. How soon can I go home?"
Social Security
After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply for Social
Security. The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver's license to
verify my age.
I looked in my pockets and realized I had left my wallet at home. I told the
woman that I was very sorry, but I would have to go home and come back
later.
The woman said, "Unbutton your shirt" So I opened my shirt revealing my
curly silver hair. She said, "That silver hair on your chest is proof enough
for me", and she processed my Social Security application.
When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at the Social
Security office. She said, "You should have dropped your pants... you might
have gotten disability, too."
Security. The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver's license to
verify my age.
I looked in my pockets and realized I had left my wallet at home. I told the
woman that I was very sorry, but I would have to go home and come back
later.
The woman said, "Unbutton your shirt" So I opened my shirt revealing my
curly silver hair. She said, "That silver hair on your chest is proof enough
for me", and she processed my Social Security application.
When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at the Social
Security office. She said, "You should have dropped your pants... you might
have gotten disability, too."
Thursday, April 19, 2007
All About Engineers
To the optimist, the glass is half full.
To the pessimist, the glass is half empty.
To the engineer, the glass is twice as big as it needs to be.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A priest, a doctor, and an engineer were waiting one morning for aParticularly slow group of golfers.
The engineer fumed, "What's with those blokes? We must have been waiting for fifteen minutes!"
The doctor chimed in, "I don't know, but I've never seen such inept Golf!"
The priest said, "Here comes the greens keeper. Let's have a word with Him."
He said, "Hello, George! What's wrong with that group ahead of us? They're rather slow, aren't they?"
The greens keeper replied, "Oh, yes. That's a group of blind fire
fighters. They lost their sight saving our clubhouse from a fire last year, so we always let them play for free anytime."
The group fell silent for a moment.
The priest said, "That's so sad. I think I will say a special prayer for them tonight."
The doctor said, "Good idea. I'm going to contact my ophthalmologist colleague and see if there's anything he can do for them."
The engineer said, "Why can't they play at night?"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
What is the difference between mechanical engineers and civil engineers?
Mechanical engineers build weapons and civil engineers build targets
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Two engineering students were pedaling across a university campus when one said, "Where did you get such a great bike?"
The second engineer replied, "Well, I was walking along yesterday, Minding my own business, when a beautiful woman rode up on this bike, threw it to the ground, took off all her clothes and said, "Take what you want."
The second engineer nodded approvingly and said, "Good choice; the clothes probably wouldn't have fit you anyway."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
The Graduate with a science degree asks, "Why does it work?"
The Graduate with an engineering degree asks, "How does it work?"
The Graduate with an accounting degree asks, "How much will it cost?"
The Graduate with an arts degree asks, "Do you want fries with that?"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Three engineering students were gathered together discussing the possible designers of the human body.
One said, "It was a mechanical engineer. Just look at all the joints."
Another said, "No, it was an electrical engineer. The nervous system has many thousands of electrical connections."
The last one said, "No, actually it had to have been a civil engineer. Who else would run a toxic waste pipeline through a recreational area?"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Normal people believe that if it isn't broke, don't fix it.
Engineers believe that if it isn't broke, it doesn't have enough features yet.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Thanx Kat!!!
To the pessimist, the glass is half empty.
To the engineer, the glass is twice as big as it needs to be.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A priest, a doctor, and an engineer were waiting one morning for aParticularly slow group of golfers.
The engineer fumed, "What's with those blokes? We must have been waiting for fifteen minutes!"
The doctor chimed in, "I don't know, but I've never seen such inept Golf!"
The priest said, "Here comes the greens keeper. Let's have a word with Him."
He said, "Hello, George! What's wrong with that group ahead of us? They're rather slow, aren't they?"
The greens keeper replied, "Oh, yes. That's a group of blind fire
fighters. They lost their sight saving our clubhouse from a fire last year, so we always let them play for free anytime."
The group fell silent for a moment.
The priest said, "That's so sad. I think I will say a special prayer for them tonight."
The doctor said, "Good idea. I'm going to contact my ophthalmologist colleague and see if there's anything he can do for them."
The engineer said, "Why can't they play at night?"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
What is the difference between mechanical engineers and civil engineers?
Mechanical engineers build weapons and civil engineers build targets
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Two engineering students were pedaling across a university campus when one said, "Where did you get such a great bike?"
The second engineer replied, "Well, I was walking along yesterday, Minding my own business, when a beautiful woman rode up on this bike, threw it to the ground, took off all her clothes and said, "Take what you want."
The second engineer nodded approvingly and said, "Good choice; the clothes probably wouldn't have fit you anyway."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
The Graduate with a science degree asks, "Why does it work?"
The Graduate with an engineering degree asks, "How does it work?"
The Graduate with an accounting degree asks, "How much will it cost?"
The Graduate with an arts degree asks, "Do you want fries with that?"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Three engineering students were gathered together discussing the possible designers of the human body.
One said, "It was a mechanical engineer. Just look at all the joints."
Another said, "No, it was an electrical engineer. The nervous system has many thousands of electrical connections."
The last one said, "No, actually it had to have been a civil engineer. Who else would run a toxic waste pipeline through a recreational area?"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Normal people believe that if it isn't broke, don't fix it.
Engineers believe that if it isn't broke, it doesn't have enough features yet.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Thanx Kat!!!
Lost At Home Depot
Two guys, one old and one young, are pushing their carts around Home Depot when they collide.
The old guy says to the young guy, "Sorry about that. I'm looking for my wife, and I guess I wasn't paying attention to where I was going.
The young guy says, "That's OK. It's a coincidence. I'm looking for my wife, too. I can't find her and I'm getting a little desperate."
The old guy says, "Well, maybe we can help each other. What does your wife look like?"
The young guy says, "Well, she is 24 yrs old, tall, with blonde hair, blue eyes, long legs, big boobs, and she's wearing tight white shorts, a halter top and no bra. What does your wife look like?"
The old guy says, "Doesn't matter --- let's look for yours."
Thanx ~~ Kat!
The old guy says to the young guy, "Sorry about that. I'm looking for my wife, and I guess I wasn't paying attention to where I was going.
The young guy says, "That's OK. It's a coincidence. I'm looking for my wife, too. I can't find her and I'm getting a little desperate."
The old guy says, "Well, maybe we can help each other. What does your wife look like?"
The young guy says, "Well, she is 24 yrs old, tall, with blonde hair, blue eyes, long legs, big boobs, and she's wearing tight white shorts, a halter top and no bra. What does your wife look like?"
The old guy says, "Doesn't matter --- let's look for yours."
Thanx ~~ Kat!
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