Those Mexicans. . .

COMPILATION OF MEXICAN WORDS OF THE DAY!

'Heater' - My little sister started to choke, pero my mom told me to heater in the back.

'Juicy' - Hey Vato, I will roll a joint and ju tell me if juicy the cops!

'Sodas' - My vieja looks good and sodas her sister.

'Cheese' - Maria likes me pero cheese too fat.

' Chile ' - When my wife and I were dating, she was fine, but since we got married chile herself go.

'Juarez' My vieja slapped me and I said, juarez your *uckin problem! Bish!

'Chicken' - My wife wanted me to go to the store, but chicken go herself.

'Harassment' - Orale vato my old lady caught me n bed wit my sancha pero harassment nothing to me!!!

'Water' - My vieja gets mad and I dont even know water problem is.

'Brief' - My homie farted gacho bad, and I could not brief.

'Mushroom' - Orale vato, when all my familia gets in the car, there is not mushroom.

'Frito' - After arguing with the pinche policia he told me i wuz frito go.

'Wafer' - I wanted to go to the movies with my friends, pero los mensos didn't wafer me.

'July' - You told me you were going to the store and July to me! Julyer!

'Liver and Cheese' - Some vato tried to sweet talk my ruca, I told him 'orale loco liver alone cheese mines'

How To Cope At Work Θ Θ

Phase 1



(Your first day at work and all is fine and great)

Phase 2

You are listening to HOUSE music

(After a while you are so busy that you are not sure if you coming or going anymore)

Phase 3

You are listening to Metal
(This is what you feel like at months end)

Phase 4

You are listening to Hip Hop
(You become bloated due to stress, feel sluggish and suffer from constipation)




Phase 5

You are listening to GANGSTA RAP
(After more time passes, your eyes start to twitch, you forget what a "good hair day" feels like as you just fall out of bed and load up on caffeine!!)

And Finally,
Phase 6 kicks in

You are listening to Techno (on Ecstasy)
The truth - (how all employees end up eventually.... ha ha ha)

Still Waiting Θ Θ

I did what you told me. . .

I sent the email to 10 people like you said. I'm still waiting for that miracle to happen.

To all my friends who in the last year sent me best 'wishes', chain letters, 'angel' letters or other promises of good luck if I forwarded something,

NONE OF THAT WORKED!



From now on, could you please just send money, chocolate, movie tickets or gasoline vouchers and airline tickets?

Light At The End of the Tunnel Θ Θ

No matter what situations life throws at you...

No matter how long and treacherous your journey may seem...

Remember, there is a light at the end of the tunnel!

Women In Film Θ Θ

glumbert - Women in Film

If you can't see it, go here: http://glumbert.com/media/womenfilm

Stella Awards

For those unfamiliar with these awards, they are named after 81-year-old Stella Liebeck who spilled hot coffee on herself and successfully sued the McDonald's  in New Mexico where she purchased the coffee. You remember, she took the lid off the coffee and put it between her knees while she was driving. Who would ever think one could get burned doing that, right?

That's right; these are awards for the most outlandish lawsuits and verdicts in the U.S . You know, the kinds of cases that make you scratch your head. So keep your head scratcher handy.



Here are the Stella's for the past year:

7TH PLACE :

Kathleen Robertson of Austin , Texas was awarded $80,000 by a jury of her peers after breaking her ankle tripping over a toddler who was running inside a furniture store. The store owners were understandably  surprised by the verdict, considering the running toddler was her own son.




6TH PLACE :

Carl Truman, 19, of Los Angeles , California won $74,000 plus medical expenses when his neighbor ran over his hand with a Honda Accord. T ruman apparently didn't notice there was someone at the wheel of the car when he was trying to steal his neighbor's hubcaps.

Go ahead, grab your head scratcher.



5TH PLACE :

Terrence Dickson, of Bristol , Pennsylvania , who was leaving a house he had just burglarized by way of the garage. Unfortunately for Dickson, the automatic garage door opener malfunctioned and he could not get  the garage door to open. Worse, he couldn't re-enter the house because the door connecting the garage to the house locked when Dickson pulled it shut. Forced to sit for eight, count 'em, EIGHT, days on a case of  Pepsi and a large bag of dr y dog food, he sued the homeowner's insurance company claiming undue mental Anguish.


Amazingly, the jury said the insurance company must
pay Dickson $500,000 for his anguish. We should all have this kind of anguish.

Keep scratching. There are more...



4TH PLACE :

Jerry Williams, of Little Rock , Arkansas , garnered 4th Place in the Stella's when he was awarded $14,500 plus medical expenses after being bitten on the butt by his next door neighbor's beagle - even though the beagle was on a chain in its owner's fenced yard.

Williams did not get as much as he asked for because the jury believed the beagle might have been provoked  at the time of the butt bite because Williams had climbed over the fence into the yard and repeatedly shot the dog with a pellet gun.

Grrrrr . Scratch, scratch.


3RD PLACE :  Amber Carson of Lancaster , Pennsylvania because a jury ordered a Philadelphia restaurant to pay her $113,500 after she slipped on a spilled soft drink and broke her tailbone. The reason the soft drink was on the floor: Ms. Carson had thrown it at her boyfriend 30 seconds earlier during an argument. What ever happened to people being responsible for their own actions?

Scratch, scratch, scratch. Hang in there; there are only two more Stellas to go...





2ND PLACE :

Kara Walton, of Claymont , Delaware sued the owner of
a night club in a nearby city because she fell from the bathroom window to the floor, knocking out her two  front teeth. Even though Ms. Walton was trying to sneak through the ladies room window to avoid paying the $3.50 cover charge, the jury said the night club had to pay her $12,000....oh, yeah,  . . . . .plus dental expenses. Go figure.


1ST PLACE : (May I have a fanfare played on 50 kazoos please)

This year's runaway First Place Stella Award winner was Mrs. Merv Grazinski, of Oklahoma City , Oklahoma ,
who purchased a new 32-foot Winnebago motor home. On  her first trip home, from an OU football game, having driven on to the freeway, she set the cruise control at 70 mph and calmly left the driver's seat to go to the back of the Winnebago to make herself a sandwich.

Not surprisingly, the motor home left the freeway, crashed and overturned. Also not surprisingly, Mrs. Grazinski sued Winnebago for not putting in the owner's manual that she couldn't actually leave the  driver's seat while the cruise control was set . The Oklahoma jury awarded her, are you sitting down, $1,750,000 PLUS a new motor home. Winnebago actually changed their manuals as a result of this suit, just  in case Mrs. Grazinski has any relatives who might also buy a motor home.

Time to Start Cussin'

 A 6 year old and a 4 year old are upstairs in their bedroom.
 
'You know what?' says the 6 year old. 'I think it's about time we started cussing. The 4 year old nods his head in approval. The 6 year old continues, 'When we go downstairs for breakfast, I'm gonna say something with hell and you say something with ass.' The 4 year old agrees with  enthusiasm.
 
When the mother walks into the kitchen she asks the 6 year old what he wants   for breakfast, he replies, 'Aw, hell, Mom, I guess I'll have some Cheerios.'
 
 WHACK! He flies out of his chair, tumbles across the kitchen floor, gets up, and runs upstairs crying his eyes out, with his mother in hot  pursuit, slapping his rear with every step. His mom locks him in his room and shouts, 'You can stay there until I let you out!'
 
She then comes back downstairs, looks at the 4 year old and asks with a  stern voice, 'And what do YOU want for breakfast, young man?'
 
I don't know, he blubbers, 'but you can bet your fat ass it won't be Cheerios!'

Important Zen Teachings for All

1. Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of
me, for I may not follow. Do not walk beside me for the path is
narrow. In fact, just piss off and leave me alone.

2. Sex is like air. It's not important unless you aren't getting any.

3. No one is listening until you fart.

4. Always remember you're unique. Just like everyone else.

5. Never test the depth of the water with both feet.

6. If you think nobody cares whether you're alive or dead, try
missing a couple of mortgage payments.

7. Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their
shoes. That way, when you criticize them, you're a mile away and you
have their shoes.

8. If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.

9. Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to
fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.

10. If you lend someone £20 and never see that person again, it was
probably well worth it.

11. If you tell the truth, you don't have to remember anything.

12. Some days you are the bug; some days you are the wind screen.

13. Don't worry; it only seems kinky the first time.

14. Good judgment comes from bad experience, and most of that comes
from bad judgment.

15. A closed mouth gathers no foot.

16. There are two theories t o arguing with women. Neither one works.

17. Generally speaking, you aren't learning much when your lips are  moving.

18. Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.

19. We are born naked, wet and hungry, and get slapped on our ass ..
then things just get worse.

20. Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.

Wine

To my friends who enjoy a glass of wine.. and those who don't. As Ben Franklin said: In wine there is wisdom, in beer there is freedom, in water there is bacteria.
 
In a number of carefully controlled trials, scientists have demonstrated that if we drink 1 liter of water each day, at the end of the year we would have absorbed more than 1 kilo of Escherichia coli, (E. coli) - bacteria found in feces. In other words, we are consuming 1 kilo of poop.

However, we do NOT run that risk when drinking wine & beer (or tequila, rum, whiskey or other liquor) because alcohol has to go through a purification process of boiling, filtering and/or fermenting.
 
Remember: Water = Poop,
Wine = Health ,
Therefore, it's better to drink wine and talk stupid, than to drink water and be full of shit .
 
There is no need to thank me for this valuable information: I'm doing it as a public service.

Boudreaux & Band-Aids

Boudreaux & Band-Aids (that's pronounced BOO-dro, for y'all not familiar with Louisiana ) Boudreaux staggered home very late  after  another evening with his drinking buddy, Thibodeaux.

He took off his shoes to avoid waking his wife, Clotile.
He tiptoed as quietly as he could toward the stairs leading to their upstairs bedroom, but misjudged the bottom step.
As he caught himself by grabbing the banister, his body swung around and he landed heavily on his rump.

A whiskey bottle in each back pocket broke and made the landing especially painful.

Managing not to yell, Boudreaux sprung up, pulled down his pants, and looked in the hall mirror to see that his butt cheeks were cut and bleeding.

He managed to quietly find a full box of Band-Aids and began putting a Band-Aid as best he could on each place he saw blood.

He then hid the now almost empty box and shuffled and stumbled his way to bed.

In the morning, Boudreaux woke up with searing pain in both his head and butt and Clotile staring at him from across the room.

She said, 'You were drunk again last night weren't you Boudreaux?'

Boudreaux said, 'Mon cher, why you say such a mean ting?'

'Well,' Clotile said, 'it could be the open front door, it could be the broken glass at the bottom of the stairs, it could be the drops of blood trailing through the house, it could be your bloodshot eyes, but mostly......it's all those Band-Aids stuck on the downstairs mirror.

Tacky Wedding Attire Θ Θ

Can you believe this guy actually wore that tie?

 

Sometimes You Just Need To Θ Θ

The Day The Penis Asked For a Raise

 I, the Penis, hereby request a raise in salary for the following reasons:          
                                   
                     I do physical labor.
                     
                     I work at great depths.
                     
                     I plunge headfirst into everything I do.
                     
                      I do not get weekends or public holidays off.
                                           
                     I work in a damp environment.
                     
                     I work in a dark workplace that has poor ventilation.
                     
                     I work in high temperatures.
                                           
                     My work exposes me to contagious diseases.

 Sincerely,
                     
 P. Niss
                     
                     
                 
 The Response:
                   
 Dear Penis:
                   
 After assessing your request, and considering the arguments you  have raised, the administration rejects your request for the following reasons:

                     You do not work 8 hours straight.
                     You fall asleep after brief work periods.
                     You do not always follow the orders of the management team.
                     You do not stay in your designated area and are often seen visiting other locations.
                     You do not take initiative - you need to be pressured and stimulated in order to start working.
                     You leave the workplace rather messy at the end of your shift.
                     You don't always observe necessary safety regulations, such as wearing the correct protective clothing.
                     You will retire well before you are 65.
                     You are unable to work double shifts.
                     You sometimes leave your designated work area before you have completed assigned task.
                     And if that were not all, you have been seen constantly entering and exiting the workplace carrying two suspicious-looking bags.

Sincerely,
                  
V. Gina

From Andy Rooney

I've learned.... That the best classroom in the world is at the feet of an elderly person.

I've learned.... That when you're in love, it shows.

I've learned.... That just one person saying to me, 'You've made my day!' makes my day.

I've learned.... That having a child fall asleep in your arms is one of the most peaceful feelings in the world.

I've learned.... That being kind is more important than being right.

I've learned.... That you should never say no to a gift from a child.

I've learned.... That I can always pray for someone when I don't have the strength to help him in some other way.

I've learned.... That no matter how serious your life requires you to be, everyone needs a friend to act goofy with.

I've learned.... That sometimes all a person needs is a hand to hold and a heart to understand.

I've learned.... That simple walks with my father around the block on summer nights when I was a child did wonders for me as an adult.

I've learned.... That life is like a roll of toilet paper. The closer it gets to the end , the faster it goes.

I've learned.... That we should be glad God doesn't give us everything we ask for.

I've learned.... That money doesn't buy class.

I've learned.... That it's those small daily happenings that make life so spectacular.

I've learned... That under everyone's hard shell is someone who wants to be appreciated and loved.

I've learned.... That to ignore the facts does not change the facts.

I 've learned.... That when you plan to get even with someone, you are only letting that person continue to hurt you.

I've learned.... That love, not time, heals all wounds.

I've learned.... That the easiest way for me to grow as a person is to surround myself with people smarter than I am.

I've learned.... That everyone you meet deserves to be greeted with a smile.

I've learned.... That no one is perfect until you fall in love with them.

I've learned... That life is tough, but I'm tougher.

I've learne d..... That opportunities are never lost; someone will take the ones you miss.

I've learned.... That when you harbor bitterness, happiness will dock elsewhere.

I've learned.... That I wish I could have told my Mom that I love her one more time before she passed away.

I've learned.... That one should keep his words both soft and tender, because tomorrow he may have to eat them.

I've learned.... That a smile is an inexpensive way to improve your looks.

I've learned.... That when your newly born grandchild holds your little finger in his little fist, that you're hooked for life.

I've learned.... That everyone wants to live on top of the mountain, but all the happiness and growth occurs while you're climbing it.

I've learned.... That the less time I have to work with, the more things I get done.

I've learned... That you don't always agree with family members, but you love them anyways.

Just Something To Make You Smile

I arrived at the address where someone had requested a taxi.  I honked but no one came out.  I honked again, nothing. So I walked to the door and knocked. 'Just a minute', answered a frail, elderly voice. I could hear something being dragged across the floor.  

  After a long pause, the door opened. A small woman in her 90's stood before me. She was wearing a print dress and a pillbox hat with a veil pinned on it, like somebody out of a 1940s movie.

  By her side was a small nylon suitcase. The apartment looked as if no one had lived in it for years. All the furniture was covered with sheets..  

  There were no clocks on the walls, no knickknacks or utensils on the counters. In the corner was a cardboard box filled with photos and glassware.  

  'Would you carry my bag out to the car?' she said. I took the suitcase to the cab, and then returned to assist the woman.

  She took my arm and we walked slowly toward the curb.

  She kept thanking me for my kindness. 'It's nothing', I told her. 'I just try to treat my passengers the way I would want my mother treated'..  

  'Oh, you're such a good boy', she said. When we got in the cab, she gave me an address, and then asked, 'Could you drive through downtown?'  

  'It's not the shortest way,' I answered quickly.

  'Oh, I don't mind,' she said. 'I'm in no hurry. I'm on my way to a hospice'.    

  I looked in the rear-view mirror. Her eyes were glistening. 'I don't have any family left, she continued. 'The doctor says I don't have very long.' I quietly reached over and shut off the meter.

  'What route would you like me to take?' I asked.

  For the next two hours, we drove through the city. She showed me the building where she had once worked as an elevator operator.

  We drove through the neighborhood where she and her husband had lived when they were newlyweds.  She had me pull up in front of a furniture warehouse that had once been a ballroom where she had gone dancing as a girl.  

  Sometimes she'd ask me to slow in front of a particular building or corner and would sit staring into the darkness, saying nothing.

  As the first hint of sun was creasing the horizon, she suddenly said, 'I'm tired. Let's go now.

  We drove in silence to the address she had given me. It was a low building, like a small convalescent home, with a driveway that passed under a portico.  

  Two orderlies came out to the cab as soon as we pulled up. They were solicitous and intent, watching her every move. They must have been expecting her.  

  I opened the trunk and took the small suitcase to the door. The woman was already seated in a wheelchair.

  'How much do I owe you?' she asked, reaching into her purse.

  'Nothing,' I said

  'You have to make a living,' she answered.

  'There are other passengers,' I responded.

  Almost without thinking, I bent and gave her a hug. She held onto me tightly.  

  'You gave an old woman a little moment of joy,' she said.

  'Thank you.'  

  I squeezed her hand, and then walked into the dim morning light. Behind me, a door shut. It was the sound of the closing of a life.

  I didn't pick up any more passengers that shift. I drove aimlessly lost in thought. For the rest of that day, I could hardly talk. What if that woman had gotten an angry driver, or one who was impatient to end his shift?  

  What if I had refused to take the run, or had honked once, then driven away?  

  On a quick review, I don't think that I have done anything more important in my life.  

  Were conditioned to think that our lives revolve around great moments.  

  But great moments often catch us unaware-beautifully wrapped in what others may consider a small one.

  PEOPLE MAY NOT REMEMBER EXACTLY WHAT YOU DID, OR WHAT YOU SAID, BUT THEY WILL ALWAYS REMEMBER HOW YOU MADE THEM FEEL.