WHITE MIKE Θ Θ

I've seen him in person and felt the need to share some of his wisdom. For more White Mike, check his AXE MIKE PAGE or his Myspace.

Here's a sample:

Barry say: Thank you for doing so much to educate people regarding God's Law. I have learned a great deal from your show, and try to share that knowledge with as many people as I can. When someone tries to defend the homosexual lifestyle, for example, I simply remind them that Leviticus 18:22 clearly states it to be an abomination. End of debate.

I do need some advice from you, however, regarding some other elements of God's Law and how to follow them.

White Mike say: No sweat Holmes. Got ya covered. Do's what I can.

Barry: 1. When I burn a bull on the altar as a sacrifice, I know it creates a pleasing odor for the Lord - Lev.1:9. The problem is my neighbors. They claim the odor is not pleasing to them. Should I smite them?

White Mike: Fuck yeah, slice. Hit them hard. Hit them often. Beat that nonsense out of them. They will soon love the odor. I promise. It's God's will !!!!

Barry: 2. I would like to sell my daughter into slavery, as sanctioned in Exodus 21:7. In this day and age, what do you think would be a fair price for her?

White Mike: Dat be easy...A dollar two ninety eight.

Barry: 3. I know that I am allowed no contact with a woman while she is in her period of menstrual uncleanliness - Lev.15: 19-24. The problem is how do I tell? I have tried asking, but most women take offense.

White Mike: You can always tell because any animal that's around (dog, cat, lizard, snake, etc...) be all up in dat puss. Trying to get at it somehow. A sniff o' a lick. They love the dirty panties, too. Look fo dat. Also, dey usually be agitated, temperamental cunts round dat time. Keep a ear out fo dat, too.

Barry: 4. Lev. 25:44 states that I may indeed possess slaves, both male and female, provided they are purchased from neighboring nations. A friend of mine claims that this applies to Mexicans, but not Canadians. Can you clarify? Why can't I own Canadians?

White Mike: You CAN own Canadians but they smoke so much weed that dey be no good as slaves. Also, it be funner to hit the Mexicans. You get a little more English out of them the harder you hit them. The Canadians know English so dat be no fun.

Barry: 5. I have a neighbor who insists on working on the Sabbath. Exodus 35:2. The passage clearly states he should be put to death.

White Mike: Yes. Kill the neighbor. If you don't, pretty soon e'rbody be workin' on da Sabbath and da sanctity o' da Sabbath will be compromised. Da whole world will go to hell. Don't matter if dey don't believe what you's believes. You be write. If you's do not follow da Bibles literal words, you be going to hell fo eternity, Holmes!

Barry: Much appreciated...

White Mike: Zghea, WM

When Hallmark Writers Have A Bad Day

My tire was thumping. I thought it was flat
When I looked at the tire... I noticed your cat. Sorry!

Heard your wife left you, How upset you must be. But don't fret about it... She moved in with me.

Looking back over the years that we've been together, I can't help but wonder... "What the hell was I thinking?"

Congratulations on your wedding day! Too bad no one likes your husband.

How could two people as beautiful as you Have such an ugly baby?

I've always wanted to have someone to hold, someone to love. After having met you .. I've changed my mind.

I must admit, you brought Religion into my life. I never believed in Hell until I met you.

As the days go by, I think of how lucky I am... That you're not here to ruin it for me.

Congratulations on your promotion. Before you go... Would you like to take this knife out of my back? You'll probably need it again.

Happy Birthday, Uncle Dad! (Available only in Tennessee, Kentucky & West Virginia)

Happy birthday! You look great for your age. Almost Lifelike!

When we were together, you always said you'd die for me. Now that we've broken up, I think it's time you kept your promise.

We have been friends for a very long time .. let's say we stop?

I'm so miserable without you it's almost like you're here.

Congratulations on your new bundle of joy. Did you ever find out who the father was?

Your friends and I wanted to do something special for your birthday. So we're having you put to sleep.

So your daughter's a hooker, and it spoiled your day. Look at the bright side, it's really good pay.

You had to fire me, 'cause you said business sucks. So I sold your credit card number, on Ebay for big bucks.

High Tech

A guy walks into a bar and sits down. After a few minutes, he starts dialing on the back of his hand as if it's a telephone. He then flips his hand over and starts talking into his palm. The bartender walks over and tells the guy it's a tough neighborhood and he doesn't need any trouble from weirdos.

"You don't understand," the man says. "I'm very high tech. I've had a phone installed in my hand because I was tired of carrying a cell."

"Prove it!"

So the guy dials up a number and presents his hand to the bartender. The bartender talks into the hand and carries on a brief conversation.

"That's incredible," says the bartender. "I would never have believed it!"

"Yeah," says the guy. "I can keep in touch with my broker, my wife, you name it. By the way, where is the men's room?"

The bartender directs him to the men's room. The guy goes in and five, ten, twenty minutes go by. Fearing the worst given the violence in the neighborhood, the bartender goes into the men's room. The guy is spread-eagled against the wall. His pants are pulled down and he has a roll of toilet paper shoved up his butt.

"Oh my god!" says the bartender. "Did the locals rob you? Are you hurt?"

The guy casually turns around and says, "No, I'm OK. I'm just waiting for a fax."

A Few Quick Ones

A man comes in to the room and says to his wife, "I'm going to the pub. Get your coat on."

The wife, overjoyed that he has included her in his activity replies, "Does that mean that you are taking me with you, darling?"

The husband replies, "No - I'm turning the heating off."

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The car sped off the highway, went through the guard rail, rolled down a cliff, bounced off a tree and finally shuddered to a stop. A passing motorist, who had witnessed the entire accident, helped the miraculously unharmed driver out of the wreck.

"Good lord, mister," he gasped, "Are you drunk?"

"Of course," said the man, brushing the dirt from his suit. "What the hell do you think I am ... a stunt driver?"

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Two buddies were sharing drinks while discussing their wives. "Does your wife ever...well, you know...does she...well, let you do it doggie style?" asked one of the two.

"Well, not exactly," his friend replied, "She's more into the trick dog aspect of it."

"Oh, I see. Kinky stuff, huh?"

"Well, not exactly. Whenever I make a move, she's most likely to roll over and play dead.

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A guy goes up to a girl in bar and asks, "You want to play "Magic"?"

She says, "What's that?"

The guy answers, "We go to my house and screw, and then you disappear."

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A man with a wooden eye was sitting at a bar one night. He glanced across the room and noticed a very attractive woman with just one flaw, she had a very large nose. He was very self-conscious about his eye but got up the nerve to ask her for a dance.

"Would you like to dance with me?" he asked.

She replied, "Would I!" and he sneered and told her,"BIG NOSE!"

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A guy travelling through the prairies of the USA stopped at a small town and went to a bar. He stood at the end of the bar, ordered a drink, and lit up a cigar. As he sipped his drink, he stood there quietly blowing smoke rings.

After he blew nine or ten smoke rings into the air, an angry American Indian stomped up to him and said, "One more remark like that and I'll smash your face in!"