The boss of a Madison Avenue advertising agency called a spontaneous staff meeting in the middle of a particularly stressful week. (This is one pretty sharp boss!) When everyone gathered, the boss, who understood the benefits of having fun, told the burnt-out staff the purpose of the meeting was to have a quick contest. The theme: Viagra advertising slogans. The only rule was that they had to use past ad slogans, originally written for other products, that captured the essence of Viagra. Slight variations were acceptable. About seven minutes later, they turned in their suggestions and created a Top Ten List. With all the laughter and camaraderie, the rest of the week went very well for everyone.
The top ten were:
10. Viagra, Wha azzzz up!
9. Viagra, The quicker pecker upper.
8. Viagra, Like a rock!
7. Viagra, When it absolutely, positively has to be there overnight.
6. Viagra, Be all that you can be.
5. Viagra, Reach out and touch someone.
4. Viagra, Strong enough for a man, but made for a woman.
3. Viagra, home of the whopper!
2. Viagra, We bring good things to Life!
And the unanimous number one slogan:
1. This is your winkie. This is your winkie on drugs.
Saturday, April 28, 2007
Rooster
AN OLD FARMER WENT TO TOWN TO SEE A MOVIE...
THE TICKET AGENT ASKED, "SIR, WHAT'S THAT ON YOUR SHOULDER?"
THE OLD FARMER SAID, "THAT'S MY PET ROOSTER CHUCK. WHEREVER I GO, CHUCK GOES."
"I'M SORRY SIR," SAID THE TICKET AGENT. "WE CAN'T ALLOW ANIMALS IN THE THEATER."
THE OLD FARMER WENT AROUND THE CORNER AND STUFFED THE BIRD DOWN HIS
OVERALLS. THEN HE RETURNED TO THE BOOTH, BOUGHT A TICKET, AND ENTERED THE
THEATER.
HE SAT DOWN NEXT TO TWO OLD WIDOWS NAMED MILDRED AND MARGE.THE MOVIE STARTED
AND THE ROOSTER BEGAN TO SQUIRM. THE OLD FARMER UNBUTTONED HIS FLY SO CHUCKY
COULD STICK HIS HEAD OUT AND WATCH THE MOVIE.
"MARGE," WHISPERED MILDRED.
"WHAT?" SAID MARGE.
"I THINK THE GUY NEXT TO ME IS A PERVERT."
"WHAT MAKES YOU THINK SO?" ASKED MARGE.
"HE UNDID HIS PANTS AND HE HAS HIS THING OUT," WHISPERED MILDRED.
"WELL, DON'T WORRY ABOUT IT," SAID MARGE. "HELL, AT OUR AGE WE'VE SEEN 'EM ALL"
"I THOUGHT SO TOO", SAID MILDRED, "BUT THIS ONE'S EATIN' MY POPCORN!"
THE TICKET AGENT ASKED, "SIR, WHAT'S THAT ON YOUR SHOULDER?"
THE OLD FARMER SAID, "THAT'S MY PET ROOSTER CHUCK. WHEREVER I GO, CHUCK GOES."
"I'M SORRY SIR," SAID THE TICKET AGENT. "WE CAN'T ALLOW ANIMALS IN THE THEATER."
THE OLD FARMER WENT AROUND THE CORNER AND STUFFED THE BIRD DOWN HIS
OVERALLS. THEN HE RETURNED TO THE BOOTH, BOUGHT A TICKET, AND ENTERED THE
THEATER.
HE SAT DOWN NEXT TO TWO OLD WIDOWS NAMED MILDRED AND MARGE.THE MOVIE STARTED
AND THE ROOSTER BEGAN TO SQUIRM. THE OLD FARMER UNBUTTONED HIS FLY SO CHUCKY
COULD STICK HIS HEAD OUT AND WATCH THE MOVIE.
"MARGE," WHISPERED MILDRED.
"WHAT?" SAID MARGE.
"I THINK THE GUY NEXT TO ME IS A PERVERT."
"WHAT MAKES YOU THINK SO?" ASKED MARGE.
"HE UNDID HIS PANTS AND HE HAS HIS THING OUT," WHISPERED MILDRED.
"WELL, DON'T WORRY ABOUT IT," SAID MARGE. "HELL, AT OUR AGE WE'VE SEEN 'EM ALL"
"I THOUGHT SO TOO", SAID MILDRED, "BUT THIS ONE'S EATIN' MY POPCORN!"
Sanity
Jim and Edna were both patients in a mental hospital.
One day while they were walking past the hospital swimming pool, Jim suddenly jumped into the deep end. He sank to the bottom of the pool and stayed there.
Edna promptly jumped in to save him. She swam to the bottom, pulled Jim out and brought him to his room.
When the hospital director became aware of Edna's heroic act, she immediately ordered that Edna be discharged from the hospital because she now considered Edna to be mentally stable.
She went to Edna and said, "I have some good news and some bad news. The good news is that you're being discharged because you responded so rationally to a crisis.
By jumping in the pool to save the life of another patient, you displayed Sound mindedness. The bad news is that Jim, the patient you saved, hung himself in his bathroom with his bathrobe belt right after you saved him. I am so sorry, but he's dead."
Edna replied, "He didn't hang himself. I put him there to dry. How soon can I go home?"
One day while they were walking past the hospital swimming pool, Jim suddenly jumped into the deep end. He sank to the bottom of the pool and stayed there.
Edna promptly jumped in to save him. She swam to the bottom, pulled Jim out and brought him to his room.
When the hospital director became aware of Edna's heroic act, she immediately ordered that Edna be discharged from the hospital because she now considered Edna to be mentally stable.
She went to Edna and said, "I have some good news and some bad news. The good news is that you're being discharged because you responded so rationally to a crisis.
By jumping in the pool to save the life of another patient, you displayed Sound mindedness. The bad news is that Jim, the patient you saved, hung himself in his bathroom with his bathrobe belt right after you saved him. I am so sorry, but he's dead."
Edna replied, "He didn't hang himself. I put him there to dry. How soon can I go home?"
Social Security
After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply for Social
Security. The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver's license to
verify my age.
I looked in my pockets and realized I had left my wallet at home. I told the
woman that I was very sorry, but I would have to go home and come back
later.
The woman said, "Unbutton your shirt" So I opened my shirt revealing my
curly silver hair. She said, "That silver hair on your chest is proof enough
for me", and she processed my Social Security application.
When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at the Social
Security office. She said, "You should have dropped your pants... you might
have gotten disability, too."
Security. The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver's license to
verify my age.
I looked in my pockets and realized I had left my wallet at home. I told the
woman that I was very sorry, but I would have to go home and come back
later.
The woman said, "Unbutton your shirt" So I opened my shirt revealing my
curly silver hair. She said, "That silver hair on your chest is proof enough
for me", and she processed my Social Security application.
When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at the Social
Security office. She said, "You should have dropped your pants... you might
have gotten disability, too."
Thursday, April 19, 2007
All About Engineers
To the optimist, the glass is half full.
To the pessimist, the glass is half empty.
To the engineer, the glass is twice as big as it needs to be.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A priest, a doctor, and an engineer were waiting one morning for aParticularly slow group of golfers.
The engineer fumed, "What's with those blokes? We must have been waiting for fifteen minutes!"
The doctor chimed in, "I don't know, but I've never seen such inept Golf!"
The priest said, "Here comes the greens keeper. Let's have a word with Him."
He said, "Hello, George! What's wrong with that group ahead of us? They're rather slow, aren't they?"
The greens keeper replied, "Oh, yes. That's a group of blind fire
fighters. They lost their sight saving our clubhouse from a fire last year, so we always let them play for free anytime."
The group fell silent for a moment.
The priest said, "That's so sad. I think I will say a special prayer for them tonight."
The doctor said, "Good idea. I'm going to contact my ophthalmologist colleague and see if there's anything he can do for them."
The engineer said, "Why can't they play at night?"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
What is the difference between mechanical engineers and civil engineers?
Mechanical engineers build weapons and civil engineers build targets
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Two engineering students were pedaling across a university campus when one said, "Where did you get such a great bike?"
The second engineer replied, "Well, I was walking along yesterday, Minding my own business, when a beautiful woman rode up on this bike, threw it to the ground, took off all her clothes and said, "Take what you want."
The second engineer nodded approvingly and said, "Good choice; the clothes probably wouldn't have fit you anyway."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
The Graduate with a science degree asks, "Why does it work?"
The Graduate with an engineering degree asks, "How does it work?"
The Graduate with an accounting degree asks, "How much will it cost?"
The Graduate with an arts degree asks, "Do you want fries with that?"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Three engineering students were gathered together discussing the possible designers of the human body.
One said, "It was a mechanical engineer. Just look at all the joints."
Another said, "No, it was an electrical engineer. The nervous system has many thousands of electrical connections."
The last one said, "No, actually it had to have been a civil engineer. Who else would run a toxic waste pipeline through a recreational area?"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Normal people believe that if it isn't broke, don't fix it.
Engineers believe that if it isn't broke, it doesn't have enough features yet.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Thanx Kat!!!
To the pessimist, the glass is half empty.
To the engineer, the glass is twice as big as it needs to be.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A priest, a doctor, and an engineer were waiting one morning for aParticularly slow group of golfers.
The engineer fumed, "What's with those blokes? We must have been waiting for fifteen minutes!"
The doctor chimed in, "I don't know, but I've never seen such inept Golf!"
The priest said, "Here comes the greens keeper. Let's have a word with Him."
He said, "Hello, George! What's wrong with that group ahead of us? They're rather slow, aren't they?"
The greens keeper replied, "Oh, yes. That's a group of blind fire
fighters. They lost their sight saving our clubhouse from a fire last year, so we always let them play for free anytime."
The group fell silent for a moment.
The priest said, "That's so sad. I think I will say a special prayer for them tonight."
The doctor said, "Good idea. I'm going to contact my ophthalmologist colleague and see if there's anything he can do for them."
The engineer said, "Why can't they play at night?"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
What is the difference between mechanical engineers and civil engineers?
Mechanical engineers build weapons and civil engineers build targets
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Two engineering students were pedaling across a university campus when one said, "Where did you get such a great bike?"
The second engineer replied, "Well, I was walking along yesterday, Minding my own business, when a beautiful woman rode up on this bike, threw it to the ground, took off all her clothes and said, "Take what you want."
The second engineer nodded approvingly and said, "Good choice; the clothes probably wouldn't have fit you anyway."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
The Graduate with a science degree asks, "Why does it work?"
The Graduate with an engineering degree asks, "How does it work?"
The Graduate with an accounting degree asks, "How much will it cost?"
The Graduate with an arts degree asks, "Do you want fries with that?"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Three engineering students were gathered together discussing the possible designers of the human body.
One said, "It was a mechanical engineer. Just look at all the joints."
Another said, "No, it was an electrical engineer. The nervous system has many thousands of electrical connections."
The last one said, "No, actually it had to have been a civil engineer. Who else would run a toxic waste pipeline through a recreational area?"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Normal people believe that if it isn't broke, don't fix it.
Engineers believe that if it isn't broke, it doesn't have enough features yet.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Thanx Kat!!!
Lost At Home Depot
Two guys, one old and one young, are pushing their carts around Home Depot when they collide.
The old guy says to the young guy, "Sorry about that. I'm looking for my wife, and I guess I wasn't paying attention to where I was going.
The young guy says, "That's OK. It's a coincidence. I'm looking for my wife, too. I can't find her and I'm getting a little desperate."
The old guy says, "Well, maybe we can help each other. What does your wife look like?"
The young guy says, "Well, she is 24 yrs old, tall, with blonde hair, blue eyes, long legs, big boobs, and she's wearing tight white shorts, a halter top and no bra. What does your wife look like?"
The old guy says, "Doesn't matter --- let's look for yours."
Thanx ~~ Kat!
The old guy says to the young guy, "Sorry about that. I'm looking for my wife, and I guess I wasn't paying attention to where I was going.
The young guy says, "That's OK. It's a coincidence. I'm looking for my wife, too. I can't find her and I'm getting a little desperate."
The old guy says, "Well, maybe we can help each other. What does your wife look like?"
The young guy says, "Well, she is 24 yrs old, tall, with blonde hair, blue eyes, long legs, big boobs, and she's wearing tight white shorts, a halter top and no bra. What does your wife look like?"
The old guy says, "Doesn't matter --- let's look for yours."
Thanx ~~ Kat!
Just Remember Your Floaties.. . .
Go to Google.com, Click on Maps.
Click on get Directions, from New York, New York to Paris, France.
And read line # 23.
Or
Click Here, and read line #24
Thanx Tessa!! (I don't get to say that much!! ;) )
Click on get Directions, from New York, New York to Paris, France.
And read line # 23.
Or
Click Here, and read line #24
Thanx Tessa!! (I don't get to say that much!! ;) )
Wednesday, April 4, 2007
But how do they roll them?
A dentist notices that his next patient, an elderly lady, was looking very nervous so he decided to tell her a joke to help her relax. While he was putting on his gloves, he asked,
"Do you know how they make these gloves?"
"No, I don't." She replied.
"Well, there's a building in China with a big tank of latex, and worker of all hand sizes walk up to the tank, dip their hands in, let them dry, peel them off, then put them in the boxes of the right sizes."
She didn't even crack a smile.
"Oh well, I tried," the dentist thought and then he began to work.
About 5 minutes later, the elderly woman began to laugh real hard, making the dentist stop the delicate procedure he was doing.
"What's the matter?" He asked
She stopped laughing and said, "I was just picturing how they make condoms!!"
"Do you know how they make these gloves?"
"No, I don't." She replied.
"Well, there's a building in China with a big tank of latex, and worker of all hand sizes walk up to the tank, dip their hands in, let them dry, peel them off, then put them in the boxes of the right sizes."
She didn't even crack a smile.
"Oh well, I tried," the dentist thought and then he began to work.
About 5 minutes later, the elderly woman began to laugh real hard, making the dentist stop the delicate procedure he was doing.
"What's the matter?" He asked
She stopped laughing and said, "I was just picturing how they make condoms!!"
As always, have to explain everything . . .
God said, "Adam, I want you to do something for me."
Adam said, "Gladly Lord, what is it that you want me to do?"
God said, "Adam, go down into that valley. . ."
Adam asked, "But what is a valley, Lord?"
God explained it to him, and then said, "Cross the river. . ."
Adam asked, "But what is a river?"
God explained it to him, then said, "Go over the hill. . ."
Adam asked, "What is hill, God?"
God explained it to him too, then told Adam, "There, you will find a cave,"
Adam said, "And what is a cave?"
God told him that too, and added, "In the cave, you will find a woman."
Adam said, "What's a woman?"
So God explained that too. He then told Adam "I want you to reproduce."
Adam was puzzled, and asked, "How do I do that?"
God sighed heavily, and explained that to Adam as well. Once he was finished, Adam went down the valley, crossed the river, over the hill, into the cave and found the woman.
After about 5 minutes he was back.
God, starting to lose his patience, asked Adam, "What is it NOW?"
And Adam said, "God, what's a headache?"
Adam said, "Gladly Lord, what is it that you want me to do?"
God said, "Adam, go down into that valley. . ."
Adam asked, "But what is a valley, Lord?"
God explained it to him, and then said, "Cross the river. . ."
Adam asked, "But what is a river?"
God explained it to him, then said, "Go over the hill. . ."
Adam asked, "What is hill, God?"
God explained it to him too, then told Adam, "There, you will find a cave,"
Adam said, "And what is a cave?"
God told him that too, and added, "In the cave, you will find a woman."
Adam said, "What's a woman?"
So God explained that too. He then told Adam "I want you to reproduce."
Adam was puzzled, and asked, "How do I do that?"
God sighed heavily, and explained that to Adam as well. Once he was finished, Adam went down the valley, crossed the river, over the hill, into the cave and found the woman.
After about 5 minutes he was back.
God, starting to lose his patience, asked Adam, "What is it NOW?"
And Adam said, "God, what's a headache?"
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Toaster: A gift that every member of the family appreciates. Automatically burns toast!
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Man, honest, will take anything.
The hotel has bowling alleys, tennis courts, comfortable beds, and other athletic facilities.
Toaster: A gift that every member of the family appreciates. Automatically burns toast!
Sheer stockings: Designed for fancy dress, but so serviceable that lots of women wear nothing else!
We build bodies that last a lifetime.
For rent: 6 room hated apartment
Man, honest, will take anything.
I BET they’re named Alvin, Theodore, and Simon
This may come as a surprise to people, but Las Vegas has more Catholic Churches than Casinos. Not surprisingly, some worshipers at Sunday Services will give casino chips rather than cash when the basket is passed. Since they get chips from many different casinos, the churches have devised a method to collect the offering. The churches send all their collected chips to a nearby Franciscan Monastery for sorting and then distributed to the different casinos to be cashed in. These tasks are carried out by the CHIPMONKS. ;)
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