Monday, March 19, 2007
The 7 Types of Sex
The 1st kind of sex is: Smurf Sex
This kind of sex happens when you first meet someone and you both have sex until you are blue in the face.
This kind of sex happens when you first meet someone and you both have sex until you are blue in the face.
This is when you have been with your partner for a short time and you are so horny you will have sex anywhere, even in the kitchen.
The 3rd kind of sex is: Bedroom SexThis is when you have been with your partner for a long time. Your sex has gotten routine and you usually have sex only in your bedroom.
This is when you have been with your partner for too long. When you pass each other in the hallway you both say “screw you.”
The 5th kind of sex is: Religious Sex
Religious sex means you get Nun in the morning, Nun in the afternoon, and Nun at night.
The 6th kind of sex is: Courtroom Sex
This is when you cannot stand your wife any more. She takes you to court and screws you in front of everyone.
The 7th kind of sex is: Social Security Sex
You get a little each month, but it is not enough to live on.
Classes for Men
FALL CLASSES FOR MEN REGISTRATION MUST BE COMPLETED BY Monday, March 26, 2007
NOTE: DUE TO THE COMPLEXITY AND DIFFICULTY LEVEL OF THEIR CONTENTS, CLASS SIZES WILL BE LIMITED TO 8 PARTICIPANTS MAXIMUM.
Classes begin Thursday, April 5, 2007
Class 1
How To Fill Up The Ice Cube Trays --- Step by Step, with Slide Presentation.
Meets 4 weeks, Monday and Wednesday for 2 hours beginning at 7:00 PM.
Class 2
The Toilet Paper Roll --- Does It Change Itself? Round Table Discussion.
Meets 2 weeks, Saturday 12:00 for 2 hours.
Class 3
Is It Possible To Urinate Using The Technique Of Lifting The Seat and Avoiding The Floor, Walls and Nearby Bathtub? --- Group Practice.
Meets 4 weeks, Saturday 10:00 PM for 2 hours.
Class 4
Fundamental Differences Between The Laundry Hamper and The Floor --- Pictures and Explanatory Graphics.
Meets Saturday at 2:00 PM for 3 weeks.
Class 5
After Dinner Dishes --- Can They Levitate and Fly Into The Kitchen Sink? Examples on Video.
Meets 4 weeks, Tuesday and Thursday for 2 hours beginning at 7:00 PM.
Class 6
Loss Of Identity --- Losing The Remote To Your Significant Other. Help Line Support and Support Groups.
Meets 4 Weeks, Friday and Sunday 7:00 PM.
Class 7
Learning How To Find Things --- Starting With Looking In The Right Places And Not Turning The House Upside Down While Screaming. Open Forum.
Monday at 8:00 PM, 2 hours.
Class 8
Health Watch --- Bringing Her Flowers Is Not Harmful To Your Health. Graphics and Audio Tapes.
Three nights; Monday, Wednesday, Friday at 7:00 PM for 2 hours.
Class 9
Real Men Ask For Directions When Lost --- Real Life Testimonials.
Tuesday at 6:00 PM Location to be determined.
Class 10
Is It Genetically Impossible To Sit Quietly While She Parallel Parks? Driving Simulations.
4 weeks, Saturday noon, 2 hours.
Class 11
Learning to Live --- Basic Differences Between Mother and Wife. Online Classes and role-playing.
Tuesday at 7:00 PM, location to be determined.
Class 12
How to be the Ideal Shopping Companion -- Relaxation Exercises, Meditation and Breathing Techniques.
Meets 4 weeks, Tuesday and Thursday for 2 hours ! Beginning at 7:00 PM.
Class 13
How to Fight Cerebral Atrophy --- Remembering Birthdays, Anniversaries and Other Important Dates and Calling When You're Going To Be Late. Cerebral Shock Therapy Sessions and Full Lobotomies Offered.
Three nights; Monday, Wednesday, Friday at 7:00 PM for 2 hours.
Class 14
The Stove/Oven --- What It Is and How It Is Used. Live Demonstration.
Tuesday at 6:00 PM, location to be determined.
Upon completion of any of the above courses, diplomas will be issued to the survivors.
NOTE: DUE TO THE COMPLEXITY AND DIFFICULTY LEVEL OF THEIR CONTENTS, CLASS SIZES WILL BE LIMITED TO 8 PARTICIPANTS MAXIMUM.
Classes begin Thursday, April 5, 2007
Class 1
How To Fill Up The Ice Cube Trays --- Step by Step, with Slide Presentation.
Meets 4 weeks, Monday and Wednesday for 2 hours beginning at 7:00 PM.
Class 2
The Toilet Paper Roll --- Does It Change Itself? Round Table Discussion.
Meets 2 weeks, Saturday 12:00 for 2 hours.
Class 3
Is It Possible To Urinate Using The Technique Of Lifting The Seat and Avoiding The Floor, Walls and Nearby Bathtub? --- Group Practice.
Meets 4 weeks, Saturday 10:00 PM for 2 hours.
Class 4
Fundamental Differences Between The Laundry Hamper and The Floor --- Pictures and Explanatory Graphics.
Meets Saturday at 2:00 PM for 3 weeks.
Class 5
After Dinner Dishes --- Can They Levitate and Fly Into The Kitchen Sink? Examples on Video.
Meets 4 weeks, Tuesday and Thursday for 2 hours beginning at 7:00 PM.
Class 6
Loss Of Identity --- Losing The Remote To Your Significant Other. Help Line Support and Support Groups.
Meets 4 Weeks, Friday and Sunday 7:00 PM.
Class 7
Learning How To Find Things --- Starting With Looking In The Right Places And Not Turning The House Upside Down While Screaming. Open Forum.
Monday at 8:00 PM, 2 hours.
Class 8
Health Watch --- Bringing Her Flowers Is Not Harmful To Your Health. Graphics and Audio Tapes.
Three nights; Monday, Wednesday, Friday at 7:00 PM for 2 hours.
Class 9
Real Men Ask For Directions When Lost --- Real Life Testimonials.
Tuesday at 6:00 PM Location to be determined.
Class 10
Is It Genetically Impossible To Sit Quietly While She Parallel Parks? Driving Simulations.
4 weeks, Saturday noon, 2 hours.
Class 11
Learning to Live --- Basic Differences Between Mother and Wife. Online Classes and role-playing.
Tuesday at 7:00 PM, location to be determined.
Class 12
How to be the Ideal Shopping Companion -- Relaxation Exercises, Meditation and Breathing Techniques.
Meets 4 weeks, Tuesday and Thursday for 2 hours ! Beginning at 7:00 PM.
Class 13
How to Fight Cerebral Atrophy --- Remembering Birthdays, Anniversaries and Other Important Dates and Calling When You're Going To Be Late. Cerebral Shock Therapy Sessions and Full Lobotomies Offered.
Three nights; Monday, Wednesday, Friday at 7:00 PM for 2 hours.
Class 14
The Stove/Oven --- What It Is and How It Is Used. Live Demonstration.
Tuesday at 6:00 PM, location to be determined.
Upon completion of any of the above courses, diplomas will be issued to the survivors.
Hunting Season
A hunter and his friend were sitting in a tall tower stand near highway 481
in Maverick Co., TX, early one cold opening morning. Suddenly, a huge
non-typical buck walked out over the corn they had spread in the senderos
w/a tailgate feeder. Moving quickly, the hunter carefully aimed the
Leupold scope on his .300 mag at the unsuspecting buck. As he was about to
squeeze the trigger on this deer of a lifetime, his friend alerted him to a
funeral procession passing slowly by down 481. The hunter pulled away from
the gunstock, set the rifle down, took off his hat, bowed his head, and then
closed his eyes in prayer. His friend was stunned. "Wow, that is the most
thoughtful and touching thing I have ever seen you do.You are indeed the
kindest man I have ever known, and I feel lucky to call you a friend."
The hunter shrugged. "Yeah, well, we were married for 35 years."
$200 Bucks It Is...
A guy goes over to his friend's house, rings the bell, and the wife answers.
"Hi, is Tony home?"
"Hi, is Tony home?"
"No, he went to the store."
"Well, you mind if I wait?"
"No, come in."
They sit down and the friend says "You know Nora, you have the greatest breasts I have ever seen. I'd give you a hundred bucks if I could just see one."
Nora thinks about this for a second and figures what the hell - a hundred bucks. She opens her robe and shows one. He promptly thanks her and throws a hundred bucks on the table.
They sit there a while longer and Chris says "They are so beautiful I've got to see the both of them. I'll give you another hundred bucks if I could just see the both of them together."
Nora thinks about this and thinks what the hell, opens her robe, and gives Chris a nice long look. Chris thanks her, throws another hundred bucks on the table, and then says he can't wait any longer and leaves.
A while later Tony arrives home and his wife says "You know, your weird friend Chris came over. "
Tony thinks about this for a second and says "Well did he drop off the 200 bucks he owes me?"
Monday, March 12, 2007
Good Sportmanship
At one point during a game, the coach called one of his 9-year-old baseball players aside and asked, "Do you understand what cooperation is? What a team is?"
The little boy nodded in the affirmative.
"Do you understand that what matters is whether we win or lose together as a team?"
The little boy nodded yes.
"So," the coach continued, "I'm sure you know, when an out is called, you shouldn't argue, curse, attack the umpire, or call him a
pecker-head. Do you understand all that?
Again the little boy nodded.
He continued, "And when I take you out of the game so another boy gets a chance to play, it's not good sportsmanship to call your coach 'a dumb asshole' is it?"
Again the little boy nodded.
"Good," said the coach. "Now go over there and explain all that to your grandmother".
The little boy nodded in the affirmative.
"Do you understand that what matters is whether we win or lose together as a team?"
The little boy nodded yes.
"So," the coach continued, "I'm sure you know, when an out is called, you shouldn't argue, curse, attack the umpire, or call him a
pecker-head. Do you understand all that?
Again the little boy nodded.
He continued, "And when I take you out of the game so another boy gets a chance to play, it's not good sportsmanship to call your coach 'a dumb asshole' is it?"
Again the little boy nodded.
"Good," said the coach. "Now go over there and explain all that to your grandmother".
Study of Human Attractiveness
A study conducted by the UCLA's Department of Psychiatry has revealed that the kind of face a woman finds attractive on a man can differ depending on where she is in her menstrual cycle.
For example: If she is ovulating, she is attracted to men with rugged, masculine features.
However, if she is menstruating, or menopausal, she tends to be more attracted to a man with duct tape over his mouth and a spear lodged in his chest while he is on fire.
No further studies are expected.
For example: If she is ovulating, she is attracted to men with rugged, masculine features.
However, if she is menstruating, or menopausal, she tends to be more attracted to a man with duct tape over his mouth and a spear lodged in his chest while he is on fire.
No further studies are expected.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
