Every one of those little blue balls is a thought about something that needs to be done, a decision or a problem that needs to be solved.
A man has only 2 balls and they take up all his thoughts.
Wednesday, August 29, 2007
How A Woman's Brain Works Θ Θ
Have you ever wondered how a woman's brain works? Well, it's finally explained in one easy-to-understand illustration -----
Every one of those little blue balls is a thought about something that needs to be done, a decision or a problem that needs to be solved.
A man has only 2 balls and they take up all his thoughts.
Every one of those little blue balls is a thought about something that needs to be done, a decision or a problem that needs to be solved.
A man has only 2 balls and they take up all his thoughts.
The Total Shopping Experience
The new supermarket near my house has an automatic water mister to keep produce fresh. Just before it goes on, you hear the sound of thunder and the smell of fresh rain.
When you approach the milk cases, you hear cows mooing and witness the scent of fresh hay. When you approach the egg case, you hear hens and the air is filled with the pleasing aroma of bacon and eggs frying.
The veggie department features the sound of a gentle breeze and the smell of fresh buttered corn.
I don't buy toilet paper there any more.
When you approach the milk cases, you hear cows mooing and witness the scent of fresh hay. When you approach the egg case, you hear hens and the air is filled with the pleasing aroma of bacon and eggs frying.
The veggie department features the sound of a gentle breeze and the smell of fresh buttered corn.
I don't buy toilet paper there any more.
A Summer Poem
I found this beautiful summer poem and thought it might help make your day.
It did me, and it's very well written.
ENJOY!
" Summer "
a poem by Abigail Elizabeth McIntyre
SHIT!
It's Hot !
A New Shot
A woman and her boyfriend are out having a few drinks. She starts talking about this really great new drink. The more she talks about it, the more excited she gets. She tries to talk him into having one. After a while he gives in and lets her order the drink for him. The bartender brings the drink and puts the following items on the bar: A salt shaker, a shot of Baileys, and a shot of lime juice.
The boyfriend looks at the items quizzically and the woman explains."First, put a bit of the salt on your tongue, next you drink the shot of Baileys and hold it in your mouth, and finally you drink the lime juice."
So, the boyfriend, trying to go along and please her, goes for it. He puts the salt on his tongue -- salty but OK. He drinks the shot of Baileys .smooth, rich, cool, very pleasant. He thinks ... this is OK. Finally he picks up the lime juice and drinks it.
In one second the sharp lime taste hits ...
At two seconds the Baileys curdles .
At three seconds the salty, curdled taste & mucous-like consistency hits
At four seconds it feels as if he has a mouth full of nasty snot.
This triggers his gag reflex, but being manly, and not wanting to disappoint his girlfriend, he swallows the now foul tasting drink. When he finally chokes it down he turns to his girlfriend, and says, "Jesus, what do you call that drink?"
She smiles widely at him and says, "Blow Job Revenge"
The boyfriend looks at the items quizzically and the woman explains."First, put a bit of the salt on your tongue, next you drink the shot of Baileys and hold it in your mouth, and finally you drink the lime juice."
So, the boyfriend, trying to go along and please her, goes for it. He puts the salt on his tongue -- salty but OK. He drinks the shot of Baileys .smooth, rich, cool, very pleasant. He thinks ... this is OK. Finally he picks up the lime juice and drinks it.
In one second the sharp lime taste hits ...
At two seconds the Baileys curdles .
At three seconds the salty, curdled taste & mucous-like consistency hits
At four seconds it feels as if he has a mouth full of nasty snot.
This triggers his gag reflex, but being manly, and not wanting to disappoint his girlfriend, he swallows the now foul tasting drink. When he finally chokes it down he turns to his girlfriend, and says, "Jesus, what do you call that drink?"
She smiles widely at him and says, "Blow Job Revenge"
And we wonder why the government is broke
In 1993, the American Government funded a study to see why the head of a man's penis was larger than the shaft.
After one year and $180,000.00, they concluded that the reason the head was larger than the shaft was to give the man more pleasure during sex.
After the US published the study, France decided to do their own study, and after $250,000.00 and 3 years of research, they concluded that the reason was to give the woman more pleasure during sex.
Canada , unsatisfied with these findings, conducted their own study. After 2 weeks and a cost of around $75.46 and 2 cases of beer, they concluded that it was to keep a man's hand from flying off and hitting himself in the forehead.
After one year and $180,000.00, they concluded that the reason the head was larger than the shaft was to give the man more pleasure during sex.
After the US published the study, France decided to do their own study, and after $250,000.00 and 3 years of research, they concluded that the reason was to give the woman more pleasure during sex.
Canada , unsatisfied with these findings, conducted their own study. After 2 weeks and a cost of around $75.46 and 2 cases of beer, they concluded that it was to keep a man's hand from flying off and hitting himself in the forehead.
Sunday, August 5, 2007
God's Email
One day God was looking down at earth and saw all of the rascally behavior that was going on. So He called one of His angels to go to earth for a time.
When he returned, he told God, "Yes, it is bad on Earth; 95% are misbehaving and only 5% are not."
God thought for a moment and said, "Maybe I had better send down another angel to get a second opinion."
So God called another angel and sent him to earth for a time, too.
When the angel returned he went to God and said, "Yes, it's true. The earth is in decline; 95% are misbehaving, but 5% are being good."
God was not pleased. So He decided to e-mail the 5 % who were good, because He wanted to encourage them, give them a little something to help them keep going.
Do you know what the e-mail said?
No?
Okay, just checking. I didn't get one either...
When he returned, he told God, "Yes, it is bad on Earth; 95% are misbehaving and only 5% are not."
God thought for a moment and said, "Maybe I had better send down another angel to get a second opinion."
So God called another angel and sent him to earth for a time, too.
When the angel returned he went to God and said, "Yes, it's true. The earth is in decline; 95% are misbehaving, but 5% are being good."
God was not pleased. So He decided to e-mail the 5 % who were good, because He wanted to encourage them, give them a little something to help them keep going.
Do you know what the e-mail said?
No?
Okay, just checking. I didn't get one either...
New Lexus
We bought a new Lexus, you know the one that parks itself but I had to go back to the dealer the next day because I couldn't get the radio to work.
The salesman explained that the radio was voice activated.
"Nelson," the salesman said to the radio.
The Radio replied, "Ricky or Willie?"
"Willie!" he continued and "On the Road Again" came from the speakers.
Then he said, "Ray Charles," and in an instant " Georgia on My Mind" replaced Willie Nelson.
I drove away happy, and for the next few days, every time I'd say, "Soggy Bottom Boys," I'd get beautiful bluegrass music, and if I said, Beatles," I'd get one of their awesome songs.
Yesterday, a couple ran a red light and nearly creamed my new car, but I swerved in time to avoid them as I shouted "Ass Holes!"
Immediately the French National Anthem began to play, sung by Jane Fonda and Barbara Streisand, backed up by Michael Moore and The Dixie Chicks, with John Kerry on guitar, Al Gore on drums, Dan Rather on harmonica, Nancy Pelosi on tambourine, Harry Reid on spoons, Bill Clinton on sax and Ted Kennedy on Scotch.
Golly, I LOVE this car.
The salesman explained that the radio was voice activated.
"Nelson," the salesman said to the radio.
The Radio replied, "Ricky or Willie?"
"Willie!" he continued and "On the Road Again" came from the speakers.
Then he said, "Ray Charles," and in an instant " Georgia on My Mind" replaced Willie Nelson.
I drove away happy, and for the next few days, every time I'd say, "Soggy Bottom Boys," I'd get beautiful bluegrass music, and if I said, Beatles," I'd get one of their awesome songs.
Yesterday, a couple ran a red light and nearly creamed my new car, but I swerved in time to avoid them as I shouted "Ass Holes!"
Immediately the French National Anthem began to play, sung by Jane Fonda and Barbara Streisand, backed up by Michael Moore and The Dixie Chicks, with John Kerry on guitar, Al Gore on drums, Dan Rather on harmonica, Nancy Pelosi on tambourine, Harry Reid on spoons, Bill Clinton on sax and Ted Kennedy on Scotch.
Golly, I LOVE this car.
Country Bitches vs. City Bitches
A city bitch will take you where you need to go.
A country bitch throws you her keys and says it needs gas in it!
A city bitch will tell you not to fight, it aint worth it.
A country bitch will say beat her ass and look at the crowd and say "better
nobody jump in".
A city bitch will let another bitch know she can back the f*** up or get knocked
the f*** out.
A country bitch will just knock her out!!!
A city bitch tells you, she's had enough to drink.
A country bitch tells you we need another shot, we bout to get f-ed up!
A city bitch goes to the club with you and sits down.
A country bitch goes to the club with you and says lets show these city bitches
how we do it.
A city bitch wonders who your new man is.
A country bitch knows his first name, last name , his birthday, where he lives,
who he's related to, what kinda car he drive's, where he works,
how many babies mama's he has, and how many bitches he is talking to right
now!!!
A city bitch thinks the friendship is over when you have an argument.
A country bitch lets you know that was f***ed up, but I still love you."
A city bitch expects you to always be there for them.
A country bitch knows you will always be there for them, they don't have to
expect shit.
A city bitch reads this message, realizes that she is a city bitch and then
deletes it.
A country bitch passes this to her country bitches without thinking about it.
A country bitch throws you her keys and says it needs gas in it!
A city bitch will tell you not to fight, it aint worth it.
A country bitch will say beat her ass and look at the crowd and say "better
nobody jump in".
A city bitch will let another bitch know she can back the f*** up or get knocked
the f*** out.
A country bitch will just knock her out!!!
A city bitch tells you, she's had enough to drink.
A country bitch tells you we need another shot, we bout to get f-ed up!
A city bitch goes to the club with you and sits down.
A country bitch goes to the club with you and says lets show these city bitches
how we do it.
A city bitch wonders who your new man is.
A country bitch knows his first name, last name , his birthday, where he lives,
who he's related to, what kinda car he drive's, where he works,
how many babies mama's he has, and how many bitches he is talking to right
now!!!
A city bitch thinks the friendship is over when you have an argument.
A country bitch lets you know that was f***ed up, but I still love you."
A city bitch expects you to always be there for them.
A country bitch knows you will always be there for them, they don't have to
expect shit.
A city bitch reads this message, realizes that she is a city bitch and then
deletes it.
A country bitch passes this to her country bitches without thinking about it.
Thursday, July 26, 2007
Good Bye Weekly World News :( Θ Θ
In case you haven't heard, the Weekly World News announced that they will no longer be publishing and selling their weekly news magizen.
This is SO SAD!!
Personally, I love the Weekly World News and hate to see it go -- after all, I can only take so much of Lindsey's latest rehab stories, who's too skiny, too fat, and who's cheating on who.
I even got my current events for high school history out of that paper!!
The Weekly World News is going to be missed! But I have gathered a few of the best covers for your enjoyment!
This is SO SAD!!
Personally, I love the Weekly World News and hate to see it go -- after all, I can only take so much of Lindsey's latest rehab stories, who's too skiny, too fat, and who's cheating on who.
I even got my current events for high school history out of that paper!!
The Weekly World News is going to be missed! But I have gathered a few of the best covers for your enjoyment!
Dear Dotti Θ Θ
Since the Weekly World News is going to stop publishing, I want to take time to share one of my favorite columns, Dear Dotti.
You can find more of her work if you Google it, but here are some of the best. Hope you enjoy!!
_________________________________________________________________________
PLEASE HELP MY BLOODSUCKING BOYFRIEND
DEAR DOTTI: When I caught my guy giving another girl a hickey, he said he needed to drink her blood to stay alive. He explained that he's a real vampire, and if I don't let him see other girls so he can feed, it will be my fault if he dies. Dotti, he sounds so sincere. Can you recommend a blood specialist who will help me free him from his curse? -- Going Batty in Akron
Dear Going Batty: Talk about a sucker! You should see a doctor yourself -- Dr. Frankenstein! Ask him for a brain transplant so you can wise up and ditch that two-timing stiff you've been wasting your time on.
_________________________________________________________________________
Dear Dotti:
I punched out my mother-in-law the other night and my husband keeps insisting that I apologize. I don't think I should apologize because she started the fight.
We started arguing about religion over dinner and drinks and tempers really were flaring by the time we finished our rum cake dessert. I tried to cool things off by changing the subject to politics, but she kept hammering me because I don't take the Bible literally and she does. She kept pressing me to admit that Noah put every animal on Earth in a wooden boat to ride out the storm. She kept pressuring me to admit that Jesus was the product of a virgin birth. She kept pressuring me to admit that Satan is blood red and carries a pitchfork. I consider myself a good Christian lady, Dotti. But I'm human and can only take so much guff. Finally, I got tired of her lip and punched her stupid lights out. When she regained consciousness, she threatened to come back and shoot me and stomped out of the house. We haven't spoken since then, but she told my husband she'd forgive me if I apologized. But I shouldn't be the one to apologize because I'm in the right and she's in the wrong. Right?
-- Gail in Utah Dear Gail:
Who am I to pass judgement on a couple of boozers like you especially since The Good Lord is bound to do it for me when you croak ... and He sends the two of you straight to Hell!
_________________________________________________________________________
Dear Dotti:
My 8-year-old son was injured in a car wreck last year. Because his face was scarred, the insurance company wrote a check for $2,000 to keep us from suing. I figured it would be a nice down payment for his college. But his daddy thought otherwise -- and spent the money on a new set of golf clubs for himself. I tried to stop him, but he said, "Back off! He's my son so that cash is mine!" Now I feel like the world's worst mother because I was too weak to stand up for my son. What do you think? My husband insists he had the right to spend the money because our son is a minor.
-- Betty in Mississippi
Dear Betty:
The same law that gave your husband the right to blow your son's money on golf clubs gives you the right to pop him upside the head with a seven iron anytime you like. Aside from that, why the hell did you accept $2,O00? A disfigured 8-year-old is worth $2 MILLION -- $5 million if the little runt used to be cute!
_________________________________________________________________________
Dear Dotti:
All my friends told me not to get cozy with a lady locksmith and now I've got nothing but trouble on my hands. First, let me say I'm a one-woman man and I expect my gal to be a one-man woman. To make sure she's toeing the line, I make my woman wear a chastity belt so I won't worry about her doing something she shouldn't when I'm not around. The chastity belt worked fine in the past. But now that I'm dating a locksmith there's no way to tell what's going on. Every time I turn around, she's busted loose and for all I know, she could be loving it up with every man in town. She says she wouldn't even dream of cheating on me, but as we all know, words are cheap. She likes you and told me to ask you if you see anything wrong with making a woman wear a chastity belt. She said she'll wear it without complaining, if you think it's okay.
-- Bill in Minnesota
Dear Bill:
I don't see anything wrong with making a woman wear a chastity belt as long as you wear a strait-jacket. While you're at it why not stuff socks in your mouth, wrap your head in duct tape and sit on a hot plate --jerk!
_________________________________________________________________________
Dear Dotti:
I'm so lonely I could just die -- and it doesn't seem fair. As a handsome, well-built man of 29, I should have my pick of women. I make good money. And I treat women right when I find one to go out with. That's the problem -- almost every gal my age has been married and divorced. Call me old-fashioned, but I don't want anything to do with any divorcee. What do I have to do to find a girl who isn't divorced? And don't tell me it's not possible to find one, because my best friend sure found one. His little lady has never even thought about divorce!
-- Leon in Ohio
Dear Leon:
Maybe the girls just don't think you're as "well-built" as you do, short stuff. But since your best friend's wife is so great, wait until he turns his back ... and ask her out!
_________________________________________________________________________
Dear Dotti:
My boyfriend has the worst luck. His condoms always "fail" which puts me at risk of getting pregnant or catching some disease. I've told him to buy better brands, but he insists on the cheap ones from the vending machines. I mean, like, yeah -- they're red. But one of these days, I'll end up pregnant, and then he'll be sorry. How can I get him to wise up and buy condoms like the ones advertised on TV?
-- Ann in Iowa
Dear Ann:
I'll send you a life time supply of the finest condoms money can buy after you swear to get your tubes tied and do everything necessary to eliminate every conceivable chance you might accidentally breed!
Wednesday, July 11, 2007
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