I was met with, "Hi, I'm Belinda!" This perky clipboard carrier smiled from ear to ear, tilted her head to one side and crooned, "All I need you to do is step into this room right here, strip to the waist, then slip on this gown. Everything clearrrr?"
I'm thinking, "Belinda, try decaf. This ain't rocket science."
Belinda skipped away to prepare the chamber of horrors. Call me crazy,but I suspect a man invented this machine. It takes a perfectly healthy cup size of 36-B to a size 38-LONG in less than 60 seconds. Also, girls aren't made of sugar and spice and everything nice....it's Spandex. We can be stretched, pulled and twisted over a cold 4-inch piece of square glass and still pop back into shape. With the right side finished, Belinda flipped me (literally) to the left and said, "Hmmmm. Can you stand on your tippy toes and lean in a tad so we can get everything?"
"Fine," I answered. I was freezing, bruised, and out of air, so why not use the remaining circulation in my legs and neck and finish me off?
My body was in a holding pattern that defied gravity (with my other boob wedged between those two 4" pieces of square glass) when we heard, then felt a zap!
Complete darkness and the power went off!
"What was THAT?" I yelled.
"Oh, maintenance is working. Bet they hit a snag."
Belinda headed for the door. "Excuse me! You're not leaving me in this vise alone, are you?" I shouted.
Belinda kept going and said, "Oh, you fussy puppy, the door's wide open so you'll have the emergency hall lights. I'll be righttttt backkkk."
Before I could shout "NOOOO!" she disappeared. And that's exactly how Bubba and Earl, maintenance men extraordinarie, found me, half-naked and part of me dangling from the Jaws of Life and the other part smashed between glass!
After exchanging polite "Hi, how's it going" type greetings, Bubba (or possibly Earl) asked, to my utter disbelief, if I knew the power was off.
Trying to disguise my hysteria, I replied with as much calmness as possible. "Uh, yes, yes I did thanks."
"You bet, take care" Bubba replied and waved good-bye as though I'd been standing in the line at the grocery store.
Two hours later, Belinda breezes in wearing a sheepish grin and making no attempt to suppress her amusement, she said. "Oh I am soooo sorry! The power came back on and I totally forgot about you! And silly me, I went to lunch. Are we upset?"
...And that, Your Honor, is exactly how her head ended up between the clamps.
Monday, September 24, 2007
Been Doing It Wrong For Years Θ Θ
A New Way To Weigh Yourself
I can't believe I was doing it wrong all these years.
We must get the word out.
I can't believe I was doing it wrong all these years.
We must get the word out.
Monday, September 10, 2007
Man Laws
1. Under no circumstances may two men share an umbrella.
2: It is OK for a man to cry ONLY under the following circumstances:
(a) When a heroic dog dies to save its master.
(b) The moment Angelina Jolie starts unbuttoning her blouse.
(c) After wrecking your boss's car.
(d) One hour, 12 minutes, 37 seconds into "The Crying Game".
(e) When she is using her teeth.
3: Any Man who brings a camera to a bachelor party may be legally killed and eaten by his buddies.
4: Unless he murdered someone in your family, you must bail a friend out of jail within 12 hours.
5: If you've known a guy for more than 24 hours, his sister is off
limits forever unless you actually marry her.
6: Moaning about the brand of free beer in a buddy's fridge is
forbidden. However complain at will if the temperature is unsuitable.
7: No man shall ever be required to buy a birthday present for another man. In fact, even remembering your buddy's birthday is strictly optional. At that point, you must celebrate at a strip bar of the birthday boy's choice.
8: On a road trip, the strongest bladder determines pit stops, not the weakest.
9: When stumbling upon other guys watching a sporting event, you may ask the score of the game in progress, but you may never ask who's playing.
10: You may flatulate in front of a woman only after you have brought her to climax. If you trap her head under the covers for the purpose of flatulent entertainment, she's officially your girlfriend.
11: It is permissible to drink a fruity alcohol drink only when you're sunning on a tropical beach... and it's delivered by a topless model and only when it's free.
12: Only in situations of moral and/or physical peril are you allowed to kick another guy in the nuts.
13: Unless you're in prison, never fight naked.
14: Friends don't let friends wear Speedos. Ever. Issue closed.
15: If a man's fly is down, that's his problem, you didn't see
anything.
16: Women who claim they "love to watch sports" must be treated as spies until they demonstrate knowledge of the game and the ability to drink as much as the other sports watchers.
17: A man in the company of a hot, suggestively dressed woman must remain sober enough to fight.
18: Never hesitate to reach for the last beer or the last slice of
pizza, but not both, that's just greedy.
19: If you compliment a guy on his six-pack, you'd better be talking about his choice of beer.
20: Never join your girlfriend or wife in discussing a friend of
yours, except if she's withholding sex pending your response.
21: Phrases that may NOT be uttered to another man while lifting
weights:
(a) Yeah, Baby, Push it!
(b) C'mon, give me one more! Harder!
(c) Another set and we can hit the showers!
22: Never talk to a man in a bathroom unless you are on equal footing: i.e., both urinating, both waiting in line, etc. For all other
situations, an almost imperceptible nod is all the conversation you
need.
23: Never allow a telephone conversation with a woman to go on longer than you are able to have sex with her. Keep a stopwatch by the phone. Hang up if necessary.
24: The morning after you and a girl who was formerly "just a friend" have carnal, drunken monkey sex, the fact that you're feeling weird and guilty is no reason for you not to nail each other again before the discussion about what a big mistake it was occurs.
25: It is acceptable for you to drive her car. It is not acceptable
for her to drive yours.
26: Thou shalt not buy a car in the colors of brown, pink, lime green, orange or sky blue.
27: The girl who replies to the question "What do you want for
Christmas?" with "If you loved me, you'd know what I want!" gets an Xbox. End of story.
28: There is no reason for guys to watch Ice Skating or Men's
Gymnastics. Ever
29: Men should only wear pants that are long enough to cover the top of your shoes or shorts long enough to cover the top of your knee. Shorts that reveal the white glow of your thigh are strickly forbidden. We should not even have to tell you capri pants are not for men!
30: Men eat meat. Therefore, vegitarians are not men.
31: You are not allowed to own any of the following vehicles;
(a) Vespa
(b) VW Beetle
(c) Toyota Rav 4
(d) Neon
(e) Passat
(f) Mazda Miata
(g) Honda Del Sol
(h) Any car made in the 80's
~~Thanx Aaron!!
2: It is OK for a man to cry ONLY under the following circumstances:
(a) When a heroic dog dies to save its master.
(b) The moment Angelina Jolie starts unbuttoning her blouse.
(c) After wrecking your boss's car.
(d) One hour, 12 minutes, 37 seconds into "The Crying Game".
(e) When she is using her teeth.
3: Any Man who brings a camera to a bachelor party may be legally killed and eaten by his buddies.
4: Unless he murdered someone in your family, you must bail a friend out of jail within 12 hours.
5: If you've known a guy for more than 24 hours, his sister is off
limits forever unless you actually marry her.
6: Moaning about the brand of free beer in a buddy's fridge is
forbidden. However complain at will if the temperature is unsuitable.
7: No man shall ever be required to buy a birthday present for another man. In fact, even remembering your buddy's birthday is strictly optional. At that point, you must celebrate at a strip bar of the birthday boy's choice.
8: On a road trip, the strongest bladder determines pit stops, not the weakest.
9: When stumbling upon other guys watching a sporting event, you may ask the score of the game in progress, but you may never ask who's playing.
10: You may flatulate in front of a woman only after you have brought her to climax. If you trap her head under the covers for the purpose of flatulent entertainment, she's officially your girlfriend.
11: It is permissible to drink a fruity alcohol drink only when you're sunning on a tropical beach... and it's delivered by a topless model and only when it's free.
12: Only in situations of moral and/or physical peril are you allowed to kick another guy in the nuts.
13: Unless you're in prison, never fight naked.
14: Friends don't let friends wear Speedos. Ever. Issue closed.
15: If a man's fly is down, that's his problem, you didn't see
anything.
16: Women who claim they "love to watch sports" must be treated as spies until they demonstrate knowledge of the game and the ability to drink as much as the other sports watchers.
17: A man in the company of a hot, suggestively dressed woman must remain sober enough to fight.
18: Never hesitate to reach for the last beer or the last slice of
pizza, but not both, that's just greedy.
19: If you compliment a guy on his six-pack, you'd better be talking about his choice of beer.
20: Never join your girlfriend or wife in discussing a friend of
yours, except if she's withholding sex pending your response.
21: Phrases that may NOT be uttered to another man while lifting
weights:
(a) Yeah, Baby, Push it!
(b) C'mon, give me one more! Harder!
(c) Another set and we can hit the showers!
22: Never talk to a man in a bathroom unless you are on equal footing: i.e., both urinating, both waiting in line, etc. For all other
situations, an almost imperceptible nod is all the conversation you
need.
23: Never allow a telephone conversation with a woman to go on longer than you are able to have sex with her. Keep a stopwatch by the phone. Hang up if necessary.
24: The morning after you and a girl who was formerly "just a friend" have carnal, drunken monkey sex, the fact that you're feeling weird and guilty is no reason for you not to nail each other again before the discussion about what a big mistake it was occurs.
25: It is acceptable for you to drive her car. It is not acceptable
for her to drive yours.
26: Thou shalt not buy a car in the colors of brown, pink, lime green, orange or sky blue.
27: The girl who replies to the question "What do you want for
Christmas?" with "If you loved me, you'd know what I want!" gets an Xbox. End of story.
28: There is no reason for guys to watch Ice Skating or Men's
Gymnastics. Ever
29: Men should only wear pants that are long enough to cover the top of your shoes or shorts long enough to cover the top of your knee. Shorts that reveal the white glow of your thigh are strickly forbidden. We should not even have to tell you capri pants are not for men!
30: Men eat meat. Therefore, vegitarians are not men.
31: You are not allowed to own any of the following vehicles;
(a) Vespa
(b) VW Beetle
(c) Toyota Rav 4
(d) Neon
(e) Passat
(f) Mazda Miata
(g) Honda Del Sol
(h) Any car made in the 80's
~~Thanx Aaron!!
Got A Sister? Ω Ω
I was sittin' in traffic
Listenin' to the radio
George Strait was singin'
"Seashores of Old Mexico"
It sounded so good
I got an idear
I'm gonna go there
Since they're all over here
The Lone Star State
Should be renamed "TEXICO"
So long, Texas.. Hello, Mexico
I'm gonna swim the Rio Grande at El Paso
I'm leavin' tonight
I ain't gonna pack
I'm only takin' the clothes on my back
So long Texas, Hello Mexico
I'll drive a rattletrap car
with no liability,
I'll demand equal rights
though I'm there . illegally
I'll protest in the streets
'Til they finally grant 'em,
Sing English words
to their National Anthem..
HEY! El Presidente
What's right for your people
Should be right for me
There's no controlling that tide that keeps rolling across the line.
This old Texas cowboy feels like my home state is no longer mine.
So long, Texas.. Hello, Mexico
I'm gonna swim the Rio Grande at El Paso
I'm leavin' tonight
I ain't gonna pack
I'm only takin' the clothes on my back
So long Texas, Hello Mexico
(Fade) YEP! Turnabout's fair play
HECK! I already LOVE the food
AND TEQUILA!
I'm gonna fly that Lone Star flag
and Old Glory EVERY DAY
I'm gonna celebrate every Fourth of July
I'm gonna make them print them forms in English
just for ME!
I'm gonna marry me a pretty senorita and we're
gonna have free medical care and free
education for ALL our kids!
Heck! Playin' my ol' guitar's the only
OTHER skill I've GOT!
Hmm - I wonder if I'll see ol' George Strait
over there
Hey, Gringo! You're swimming the wrong way, man!
Yeah, yeah! I know!
Hey, Amigo! Hey, Amigo! You got a SEESTER????
Wednesday, August 29, 2007
How A Woman's Brain Works Θ Θ
Have you ever wondered how a woman's brain works? Well, it's finally explained in one easy-to-understand illustration -----
Every one of those little blue balls is a thought about something that needs to be done, a decision or a problem that needs to be solved.
A man has only 2 balls and they take up all his thoughts.
Every one of those little blue balls is a thought about something that needs to be done, a decision or a problem that needs to be solved.
A man has only 2 balls and they take up all his thoughts.
The Total Shopping Experience
The new supermarket near my house has an automatic water mister to keep produce fresh. Just before it goes on, you hear the sound of thunder and the smell of fresh rain.
When you approach the milk cases, you hear cows mooing and witness the scent of fresh hay. When you approach the egg case, you hear hens and the air is filled with the pleasing aroma of bacon and eggs frying.
The veggie department features the sound of a gentle breeze and the smell of fresh buttered corn.
I don't buy toilet paper there any more.
When you approach the milk cases, you hear cows mooing and witness the scent of fresh hay. When you approach the egg case, you hear hens and the air is filled with the pleasing aroma of bacon and eggs frying.
The veggie department features the sound of a gentle breeze and the smell of fresh buttered corn.
I don't buy toilet paper there any more.
A Summer Poem
I found this beautiful summer poem and thought it might help make your day.
It did me, and it's very well written.
ENJOY!
" Summer "
a poem by Abigail Elizabeth McIntyre
SHIT!
It's Hot !
A New Shot
A woman and her boyfriend are out having a few drinks. She starts talking about this really great new drink. The more she talks about it, the more excited she gets. She tries to talk him into having one. After a while he gives in and lets her order the drink for him. The bartender brings the drink and puts the following items on the bar: A salt shaker, a shot of Baileys, and a shot of lime juice.
The boyfriend looks at the items quizzically and the woman explains."First, put a bit of the salt on your tongue, next you drink the shot of Baileys and hold it in your mouth, and finally you drink the lime juice."
So, the boyfriend, trying to go along and please her, goes for it. He puts the salt on his tongue -- salty but OK. He drinks the shot of Baileys .smooth, rich, cool, very pleasant. He thinks ... this is OK. Finally he picks up the lime juice and drinks it.
In one second the sharp lime taste hits ...
At two seconds the Baileys curdles .
At three seconds the salty, curdled taste & mucous-like consistency hits
At four seconds it feels as if he has a mouth full of nasty snot.
This triggers his gag reflex, but being manly, and not wanting to disappoint his girlfriend, he swallows the now foul tasting drink. When he finally chokes it down he turns to his girlfriend, and says, "Jesus, what do you call that drink?"
She smiles widely at him and says, "Blow Job Revenge"
The boyfriend looks at the items quizzically and the woman explains."First, put a bit of the salt on your tongue, next you drink the shot of Baileys and hold it in your mouth, and finally you drink the lime juice."
So, the boyfriend, trying to go along and please her, goes for it. He puts the salt on his tongue -- salty but OK. He drinks the shot of Baileys .smooth, rich, cool, very pleasant. He thinks ... this is OK. Finally he picks up the lime juice and drinks it.
In one second the sharp lime taste hits ...
At two seconds the Baileys curdles .
At three seconds the salty, curdled taste & mucous-like consistency hits
At four seconds it feels as if he has a mouth full of nasty snot.
This triggers his gag reflex, but being manly, and not wanting to disappoint his girlfriend, he swallows the now foul tasting drink. When he finally chokes it down he turns to his girlfriend, and says, "Jesus, what do you call that drink?"
She smiles widely at him and says, "Blow Job Revenge"
And we wonder why the government is broke
In 1993, the American Government funded a study to see why the head of a man's penis was larger than the shaft.
After one year and $180,000.00, they concluded that the reason the head was larger than the shaft was to give the man more pleasure during sex.
After the US published the study, France decided to do their own study, and after $250,000.00 and 3 years of research, they concluded that the reason was to give the woman more pleasure during sex.
Canada , unsatisfied with these findings, conducted their own study. After 2 weeks and a cost of around $75.46 and 2 cases of beer, they concluded that it was to keep a man's hand from flying off and hitting himself in the forehead.
After one year and $180,000.00, they concluded that the reason the head was larger than the shaft was to give the man more pleasure during sex.
After the US published the study, France decided to do their own study, and after $250,000.00 and 3 years of research, they concluded that the reason was to give the woman more pleasure during sex.
Canada , unsatisfied with these findings, conducted their own study. After 2 weeks and a cost of around $75.46 and 2 cases of beer, they concluded that it was to keep a man's hand from flying off and hitting himself in the forehead.
Sunday, August 5, 2007
God's Email
One day God was looking down at earth and saw all of the rascally behavior that was going on. So He called one of His angels to go to earth for a time.
When he returned, he told God, "Yes, it is bad on Earth; 95% are misbehaving and only 5% are not."
God thought for a moment and said, "Maybe I had better send down another angel to get a second opinion."
So God called another angel and sent him to earth for a time, too.
When the angel returned he went to God and said, "Yes, it's true. The earth is in decline; 95% are misbehaving, but 5% are being good."
God was not pleased. So He decided to e-mail the 5 % who were good, because He wanted to encourage them, give them a little something to help them keep going.
Do you know what the e-mail said?
No?
Okay, just checking. I didn't get one either...
When he returned, he told God, "Yes, it is bad on Earth; 95% are misbehaving and only 5% are not."
God thought for a moment and said, "Maybe I had better send down another angel to get a second opinion."
So God called another angel and sent him to earth for a time, too.
When the angel returned he went to God and said, "Yes, it's true. The earth is in decline; 95% are misbehaving, but 5% are being good."
God was not pleased. So He decided to e-mail the 5 % who were good, because He wanted to encourage them, give them a little something to help them keep going.
Do you know what the e-mail said?
No?
Okay, just checking. I didn't get one either...
New Lexus
We bought a new Lexus, you know the one that parks itself but I had to go back to the dealer the next day because I couldn't get the radio to work.
The salesman explained that the radio was voice activated.
"Nelson," the salesman said to the radio.
The Radio replied, "Ricky or Willie?"
"Willie!" he continued and "On the Road Again" came from the speakers.
Then he said, "Ray Charles," and in an instant " Georgia on My Mind" replaced Willie Nelson.
I drove away happy, and for the next few days, every time I'd say, "Soggy Bottom Boys," I'd get beautiful bluegrass music, and if I said, Beatles," I'd get one of their awesome songs.
Yesterday, a couple ran a red light and nearly creamed my new car, but I swerved in time to avoid them as I shouted "Ass Holes!"
Immediately the French National Anthem began to play, sung by Jane Fonda and Barbara Streisand, backed up by Michael Moore and The Dixie Chicks, with John Kerry on guitar, Al Gore on drums, Dan Rather on harmonica, Nancy Pelosi on tambourine, Harry Reid on spoons, Bill Clinton on sax and Ted Kennedy on Scotch.
Golly, I LOVE this car.
The salesman explained that the radio was voice activated.
"Nelson," the salesman said to the radio.
The Radio replied, "Ricky or Willie?"
"Willie!" he continued and "On the Road Again" came from the speakers.
Then he said, "Ray Charles," and in an instant " Georgia on My Mind" replaced Willie Nelson.
I drove away happy, and for the next few days, every time I'd say, "Soggy Bottom Boys," I'd get beautiful bluegrass music, and if I said, Beatles," I'd get one of their awesome songs.
Yesterday, a couple ran a red light and nearly creamed my new car, but I swerved in time to avoid them as I shouted "Ass Holes!"
Immediately the French National Anthem began to play, sung by Jane Fonda and Barbara Streisand, backed up by Michael Moore and The Dixie Chicks, with John Kerry on guitar, Al Gore on drums, Dan Rather on harmonica, Nancy Pelosi on tambourine, Harry Reid on spoons, Bill Clinton on sax and Ted Kennedy on Scotch.
Golly, I LOVE this car.
Country Bitches vs. City Bitches
A city bitch will take you where you need to go.
A country bitch throws you her keys and says it needs gas in it!
A city bitch will tell you not to fight, it aint worth it.
A country bitch will say beat her ass and look at the crowd and say "better
nobody jump in".
A city bitch will let another bitch know she can back the f*** up or get knocked
the f*** out.
A country bitch will just knock her out!!!
A city bitch tells you, she's had enough to drink.
A country bitch tells you we need another shot, we bout to get f-ed up!
A city bitch goes to the club with you and sits down.
A country bitch goes to the club with you and says lets show these city bitches
how we do it.
A city bitch wonders who your new man is.
A country bitch knows his first name, last name , his birthday, where he lives,
who he's related to, what kinda car he drive's, where he works,
how many babies mama's he has, and how many bitches he is talking to right
now!!!
A city bitch thinks the friendship is over when you have an argument.
A country bitch lets you know that was f***ed up, but I still love you."
A city bitch expects you to always be there for them.
A country bitch knows you will always be there for them, they don't have to
expect shit.
A city bitch reads this message, realizes that she is a city bitch and then
deletes it.
A country bitch passes this to her country bitches without thinking about it.
A country bitch throws you her keys and says it needs gas in it!
A city bitch will tell you not to fight, it aint worth it.
A country bitch will say beat her ass and look at the crowd and say "better
nobody jump in".
A city bitch will let another bitch know she can back the f*** up or get knocked
the f*** out.
A country bitch will just knock her out!!!
A city bitch tells you, she's had enough to drink.
A country bitch tells you we need another shot, we bout to get f-ed up!
A city bitch goes to the club with you and sits down.
A country bitch goes to the club with you and says lets show these city bitches
how we do it.
A city bitch wonders who your new man is.
A country bitch knows his first name, last name , his birthday, where he lives,
who he's related to, what kinda car he drive's, where he works,
how many babies mama's he has, and how many bitches he is talking to right
now!!!
A city bitch thinks the friendship is over when you have an argument.
A country bitch lets you know that was f***ed up, but I still love you."
A city bitch expects you to always be there for them.
A country bitch knows you will always be there for them, they don't have to
expect shit.
A city bitch reads this message, realizes that she is a city bitch and then
deletes it.
A country bitch passes this to her country bitches without thinking about it.
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