Sunday, February 17, 2008

REDNECK JOKES!! Θ Θ

A Redneck passed away and left his entire estate
to his beloved widow
but she can't touch it 'til she's 14.
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Redneck Cooler



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How do you know when you're staying
in a Redneck hotel ?
When you call the front desk and say,
I gotta leak in my sink, and the
clerk replies, Go ahead.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Redneck Cellar



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Redneck Garden




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Did you hear that they have raised the minimum
drinking age for Rednecks to 32 ?
It seems they want to keep alcohol
out of the high schools.
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Redneck Limo



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Redneck Mailbox




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Who invented the toothbrush ?
A Redneck.
(If it had been invented by anyone else,
it would have been called a teeth brush.)
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Redneck Moon Landing



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A State Trooper pulls over a pickup on Highway 16
and says to the driver, "Got any I.D. ?" . .
and the driver replies "Bout wut ?"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Redneck Time Out



~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Did you hear about the $3 million Redneck Lottery ? . .
The winner gets $3.00 a year for a million years.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Redneck Weenie Roast


~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A new Redneck law was just recently passed.
When a couple gets divorced, they are STILL cousins.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Redneck Wheelchair



~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


Did you hear that the Redneck
governor's mansion burned down?
"Yep. Prit'near took out the whole trailer park.
The library was a total loss too.
Both books went poof . . . up in flames and the governor
hadn't even finished coloring one of them."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Redneck Thanksgiving

You Know Your Having a Bad Day If. .. . Θ Θ

1] You woke up in a strange place




2] Your new diet doesn't seem to be working




3] You pulled a muscle while trying to exercise




4] Your new hat looked better on you at the store




5] You keep losing things




6] You feel like you're in the wrong place at the wrong time




7] The boss chewed you out at work




8] You got caught in the rain at lunchtime




9] You get no respect (at least the cat has my respect!)




10] You feel trapped somehow...




11] Traffic on the way home was brutal




12] You think you might be coming down with the flu




13] You're home alone and you hear a noise in the basement

A True Texas Politician

T. B. Bechtel, a part-time City Councilman from Midland, TX was asked on a local live radio talk show, just what he thought of the allegations of torture of the Iraqi prisoners. His reply prompted his ejection from the studio, but to thunderous applause from the audience.

"If hooking up an Iraqi prisoner's balls to a car's battery cables will save one Texas GI's life, then I have just three things to say,

Red is positive
Black is negative
Make sure his balls are wet.

~~Thanx Michelle!!=

You Know that the Policticans Had To Have Their Say . . . Θ Θ

Republican Valentines!

If they were always this clever, we WOULD BE the best nation!


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The AWWWW. . . That's So CUTE!! Valentine Θ Θ

A PUPPY has been born in Japan with a large,clear, love-heart-shaped pattern in his coat.

The Chihuahua was born in May as one of a litter to a breeder.

Shop owner Emiko Sakurada said it was the first time a

puppy with the marks had been born out of a thousand she had bred .

She had no plans to sell the puppy, which has been named 'Heart-kun'.

The long-coated male Chihuahua puppy was born in Odate, northern Japan.


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Saturday, February 9, 2008

I want these on my answering machine!! Ω Ω

These are from www.ilovewavs.com.

There are a bunch, and if you have time surf over there to hear everything from comedy to old TV themes.

But here are a few of my favorite (they are all under "Answering Machines").

When you click on then, they will open in a new window and will automatically play.

Bill Clinton

Columbo

Little Fluffy

PMS Hotline

Thanks for calling 911

Dail an asshole

Your Call number is 9453

The Devil

Thanks for calling the US Marine Corps

This number has been changed
[Edit] [Delete] [View Comments]

Office Communicaton

Dear Employees:

It has been brought to management's attention that some individuals
throughout the company have been using foul language during the course of normal conversation with their co-workers.

Due to complaints received from some employees who may be easily offended, this type of language will no longer be tolerated.

We do, however, realize the critical importance of being able to accurately
express your feelings when communicating with co-workers.

Therefore, a list of 18 New and Innovative 'TRY SAYING' phrases have been provided so that proper exchange of ideas and information can continue inan effective manner.

Number 1
TRY SAYING: I think you could use more training.
INSTEAD OF: You don't know what the f___ you're doing.

Number 2
TRY SAYING: She's an aggressive go-getter.
INSTEAD OF: She's a f___ing bit__.

Number 3
TRY SAYING: Perhaps I can work late
INSTEAD OF: And when the f___ do you expect me to do this?

Number 4
TRY SAYING: I'm certain that isn't feasible.
INSTEAD OF: No f___ing way.

Number 5
TRY SAYING: Really?
INSTEAD OF: You've got to be sh___ing me!

Number 6
TRY SAYING: Perhaps you should check with...
INSTEAD OF: Tell someone who gives a sh__.

Number 7
TRY SAYING: I wasn't involved in the project.
INSTEAD OF: It's not my f___ing problem.

Number 8
TRY SAYING: That's interesting.
INSTEAD OF: What the f___?

Number 9
TRY SAYING: I'm not sure this can be implemented.
INSTEAD OF: This sh__ won't work.

Number 10
TRY SAYING: I'll try to schedule that.
INSTEAD OF: Why the f___ didn't you tell me sooner?

Number 11
TRY SAYING: He 's not familiar with the issues.
INSTEAD OF: He's got his head up his a__.

Number 12
TRY SAYING: Excuse me, sir?
INSTEAD OF: Eat sh__ and die.

Number 13
TRY SAYING: So you weren't happy with it?
INSTEAD OF: Kiss my a__.

Number 14
TRY SAYING: I'm a bit overloaded at the moment.
INSTEAD OF: F__ it, I'm on salary.

Number 15
TRY SAYING: I don't think you understand.
INSTEAD OF: Shove it up your a__.

Number 16
TRY SAYING: I love a challenge.
INSTEAD OF: This f___ing job sucks.

Number 17
TRY SAYING: You want me to take care of that?
INSTEAD OF: Who the f___ died and made you boss?

Number 18
TRY SAYING: He's somewhat insensitive.
INSTEAD OF: He's a pr_ck.

Thank You,
Human Resources

~~Thanx Jody!!

A Valentine For Osama

Little Susie comes home from first grade and tells her father that they learned about the history of Valentine's Day.

And, "Since Valentine's Day is for a Christian saint and we're Jewish," she asks, "will God get mad at me for sending someone a valentine?

Susie's father thinks a bit, then says "No, I don't think God would get mad. Who do you want to send a valentine to?"

"Osama Bin Laden," she says.

"Why Osama Bin Laden?" her father asks in shock.

"I thought that if a little American Jewish girl could have enough love to send Osama a valentine, he might start to think that maybe we're not all bad, and maybe start loving people a little bit. And if other kids saw what I did and sent valentines to Osama, he'd love everyone a lot.

And then! ... he'd start going all over the place telling everyone how much he loved them and how he didn't hate anyone anymore."

Her father's heart swells and he looks at his daughter with newfound pride. "Susie, that's the most wonderful thing I've ever heard."

"I know," says Susie. "And once that gets him out in the open, the Marines could blow the shit out of him."



--Thanx Michelle!!

The Best Recipe

One day my mother was out and my dad was in charge of me and my brother who is four years older than I am. I was maybe 1 and a half years old and had just recovered from an accident in which my arm had been broken among other injuries.

Someone had given me a little 'tea set' as a get-well gift and it was one of my favorite toys. Daddy was in the living room engrossed in the evening news and my brother was playing nearby in the living room when I brought Daddy a little cup of 'tea', which was just water. After several cups of tea and lots of praise for such yummy tea, my Mom came home.

My Dad made her wait in the living room to watch me bring him a cup of tea, because it was 'just the cutest thing!!' My Mom waited, and sure enough, here I come down the hall with a cup of tea for Daddy and she watches him drink it up, then says, 'Did it ever occur to you that the only place that baby can reach to get water is the toilet??'

FYI: All About WD-40

I had a neighbor who had bought a new pickup. I got up very early one Sunday morning and saw that someone had spray painted red all around the sides of this beige truck (for some unknown reason). I went over, woke him up, and told him the bad news.

He was very upset and was trying to figure out what to do ... probably nothing until Monday Morning, since nothing was open. Another neighbor came out and told him to get his WD-40 and clean it off. It removed the unwanted paint beautifully and did not harm his paint job that was on the truck. I'm impressed!
WD-40 who knew?

Water Displacement 40. The product began from a search for a rust preventative solvent and degreaser to protect missile parts. WD-40 was created in 1953 by three technicians at the San Diego Rocket Chemical Company. Its name comes from the project that was to find a "water displacement" compound. They were successful with the fortieth Formulation, thus WD-40.

The Corvair Company bought it in bulk to protect their atlas missile parts.

Ken East (one of the original founders) says there is nothing in WD-40 that would hurt you.


When you read the "shower door" part, try it. It's the first thing that has ever cleaned that spotty shower door. If yours is plastic, it works just as well as glass. It's a miracle! Then try it on your stovetop ... Viola! It's now shinier than it's ever been. You'll be amazed.

Here are some of the uses:

1) Protects silver from tarnishing.
2) Removes road tar and grime from cars.
3) Cleans and lubricates guitar strings.
4) Gives floors that 'just-waxed' sheen without making it slippery.
5) Keeps flies off cows.
6) Restores and cleans chalkboards.
7) Removes lipstick stains.
8) Loosens stubborn zippers.
9) Untangles jewelry chains.
10) Removes stains from stainless steel sinks.
11) Removes dirt and grime from the barbecue grill.
12) Keeps ceramic/terra cotta garden pots from oxidizing.
13) Removes tomato stains from clothing.
14) Keeps glass shower doors free of water spots.
15) Camouflages scratches in ceramic and marble floors.
16) Keeps scissors working smoothly.
17) Lubricates noisy door hinges on vehicles and doors in homes.
18) It removes black scuff marks from the kitchen floor! Use WD-40 for those nasty tar and scuff marks on flooring. It doesn't seem to harm the finish and you won't have to scrub nearly as hard to get them off.
**Just remember to open some windows if you have a lot of marks. **
19) Bug guts will eat away the finish on your car if not removed quickly! Use WD-40!
20) Gives a children's play gym slide a shine for a super fast slide.
21) Lubricates gear shift and mower deck lever for ease of handling on riding mowers.
22) Rids kids rocking chairs and swings of squeaky noises.
23) Lubricates tracks in sticking home windows and makes them easier to open.
24) Spraying an umbrella stem makes it easier to open and close.
25) Restores and cleans padded leather dashboards in vehicles, as well as vinyl bumpers.
26) Restores and cleans roof racks on vehicles.
27) Lubricates and stops squeaks in electric fans.
28) Lubricates wheel sprockets on tricycles, wagons, and bicycles for easy handling.
29) Lubricates fan belts on washers and dryers and keeps them running smoothly.
30) Keeps rust from forming on saws, saw blades, and other tools.
31) Removes splattered grease on stove.
32) Keeps bathroom mirror from fogging.
33) Lubricates prosthetic limbs.
34) Keeps pigeons off the balcony (they hate the smell).
35) Removes all traces of duct tape.
36) Folks even spray it on their arms, hands, and knees to relieve
arthritis pain.
37) Florida's favorite use is: "cleans and removes love bugs from grills and bumpers."
38) The favorite use in the state of New York WD-40 protects the Statue of Liberty from the elements.
39) WD-40 attracts fish Spray a LITTLE on live bait or lures and you will be catching the big one in no time. Also, it's a lot cheaper than the chemical attractants that are made for just that purpose. Keep in mind though, using some chemical laced baits or lures for fishing are not allowed in some states.
40) Use it for fire ant bites. It takes the sting away immediately and stops the itch.
41) WD-40 is great for removing crayon from walls. Spray on the mark and wipe with a clean rag.
42) Also, if you've discovered that your teenage daughter has washed and dried a tube of lipstick with a load of laundry, saturate the lipstick spots with WD-40 and re-wash. Presto! Lipstick is gone!
43) If you sprayed WD-40 on the distributor cap, it would displace the moisture and allow the car to start.

P. S. The basic ingredient is FISH OIL. (disclaimer: i have a friend, chris, who says he looked it up and swears that there was NO fish oil listed as a wd-40 ingrediant...so i don't know why whomever originally typed this up added it as a ps but i am leaving it as i haven't ascertained the validity of it myself)

P. S. S. I keep a can of WD-40 in my kitchen cabinet over the stove. It is good for oven burns or any other type of burn. It takes the burned feeling away and heals with NO scarring.