Wednesday, January 30, 2008
A 1st Date Story
If you didn't see this on the Tonight show, I hope you're sitting down when you read it. This is probably the funniest date story ever, first date or not!!! We have all had bad dates but this takes the cake.
Jay Leno went into the audience to find the most embarrassing first date that a woman ever had.
The winner described her worst first date experience. There was absolutely no question as to why her tale took the prize!
She said it was midwinter...Snowing and quite cold...and the guy had taken her skiing in the mountains outside Salt Lake City , Utah ..
It was a day trip (no overnight). They were strangers, after all, and truly had never met before.
The outing was fun but relatively uneventful until they were headed home late that afternoon.
They were driving back down the mountain, when she gradual ly began to realize that she should not have had that extra latte..
They were about an hour our away from anywhere with a rest room and in the middle of nowhere!
Her companion suggested she try to hold it, which she did for a while.
Unfortunately, because of the heavy snow and slow going, there came a point where she told him that he had better stop and let her go beside the road, or it would be the front seat of his car. They stopped and she
quickly crawled out beside the car, yanked her pants down and started.
In the deep snow she didn't have good footing, so she let her butt rest against the rear fender to steady herself.
Her companion stood on the s ide of the car watching for traffic and indeed was a real gentleman and refrained from peeking. All she could think about was the relief she felt despite the rather embarrassing nature of the situation. Upon finishing however, she soon became aware of another sensation.
As she bent to pull up her pants, the young lady discovered her buttocks were firmly glued against the car's fender.
Thoughts of tongues frozen to poles immediately came to mind as she attempted to disengage her flesh from the icy metal. It was quickly apparent that she had a brand new problem due to the extreme cold..
Horrified by her plight and yet aware of the humor of the moment, she answered her date's concerns about "what is taking so long" with a reply that indeed, she was "freezing her butt off" and in need of some assistance!
He came around the car as she tried to cover herself with her sweater and then, as she looked imploringly into his eyes, he burst out laughing.
She too, got the giggles and when they finally managed to compose themselves, they assessed her dilemma.
Obviously, as hysterical as the situation was, they also were faced with a real problem.. Both agreed it would take something hot to free her chilly cheeks from the grip of the icy metal!
Thinking about what had gotten her into the predicament in the first place, both quickly realized that there was only one way to get her free.
So, as she looked the other way, her first-time date proceeded to unzip his pants and pee her butt off the fender. As the audience screamed in laughter, she took the Tonight Show prize hands down. Or perhaps that should be "pants down." And you thought your first date was embarrassing.
Jay Leno's comment..."This gives a whole new meaning to being pissed off."
Oh, and how did the first date turn out? He became her husband and was sitting next to her on the Leno show.
Jay Leno went into the audience to find the most embarrassing first date that a woman ever had.
The winner described her worst first date experience. There was absolutely no question as to why her tale took the prize!
She said it was midwinter...Snowing and quite cold...and the guy had taken her skiing in the mountains outside Salt Lake City , Utah ..
It was a day trip (no overnight). They were strangers, after all, and truly had never met before.
The outing was fun but relatively uneventful until they were headed home late that afternoon.
They were driving back down the mountain, when she gradual ly began to realize that she should not have had that extra latte..
They were about an hour our away from anywhere with a rest room and in the middle of nowhere!
Her companion suggested she try to hold it, which she did for a while.
Unfortunately, because of the heavy snow and slow going, there came a point where she told him that he had better stop and let her go beside the road, or it would be the front seat of his car. They stopped and she
quickly crawled out beside the car, yanked her pants down and started.
In the deep snow she didn't have good footing, so she let her butt rest against the rear fender to steady herself.
Her companion stood on the s ide of the car watching for traffic and indeed was a real gentleman and refrained from peeking. All she could think about was the relief she felt despite the rather embarrassing nature of the situation. Upon finishing however, she soon became aware of another sensation.
As she bent to pull up her pants, the young lady discovered her buttocks were firmly glued against the car's fender.
Thoughts of tongues frozen to poles immediately came to mind as she attempted to disengage her flesh from the icy metal. It was quickly apparent that she had a brand new problem due to the extreme cold..
Horrified by her plight and yet aware of the humor of the moment, she answered her date's concerns about "what is taking so long" with a reply that indeed, she was "freezing her butt off" and in need of some assistance!
He came around the car as she tried to cover herself with her sweater and then, as she looked imploringly into his eyes, he burst out laughing.
She too, got the giggles and when they finally managed to compose themselves, they assessed her dilemma.
Obviously, as hysterical as the situation was, they also were faced with a real problem.. Both agreed it would take something hot to free her chilly cheeks from the grip of the icy metal!
Thinking about what had gotten her into the predicament in the first place, both quickly realized that there was only one way to get her free.
So, as she looked the other way, her first-time date proceeded to unzip his pants and pee her butt off the fender. As the audience screamed in laughter, she took the Tonight Show prize hands down. Or perhaps that should be "pants down." And you thought your first date was embarrassing.
Jay Leno's comment..."This gives a whole new meaning to being pissed off."
Oh, and how did the first date turn out? He became her husband and was sitting next to her on the Leno show.
Grandma's Advice For the Guys
My grandmother died in 1975, but her birthday is coming up, and that always causes me to reminisce. The long walks we used to take to the store on Brunswick Street , the quarters she gave me for meaningless jobs like pulling weeds or washing the sidewalk... Those gems were all good, but the one I remember most, the jewel in the crown of grandmotherly advice, occurred when I was only about 10.
We were sitting in a park having just finished collecting some 40 soda bottles for the deposit money on a beautiful spring day. She told me that one day, I would find a wonderful woman and start my own family.
"And remember always this thing," she said. "Be sure you marry a woman with small hands."
"How come, Grandma?" I asked her. She answered in her soft voice..
"Makes your dick look bigger."
Kinda brings a tear to your eye, doesn't it?
We were sitting in a park having just finished collecting some 40 soda bottles for the deposit money on a beautiful spring day. She told me that one day, I would find a wonderful woman and start my own family.
"And remember always this thing," she said. "Be sure you marry a woman with small hands."
"How come, Grandma?" I asked her. She answered in her soft voice..
"Makes your dick look bigger."
Kinda brings a tear to your eye, doesn't it?
A Good Deal on Ties
A fleeing Taliban, desperate for water, was plodding through the Afghanistan desert when he saw something far off in the distance.
Hoping to find water, he hurried toward the object, only to find a little old Jewish man at a small stand selling ties.
The Taliban asked, "Do you have water?"
The Jewish man replied, "I have no water. Would you like to buy a tie? They are only $5."
The Taliban shouted , "Idiot Jew! I do not need an over-priced tie. I need water! I should kill you, but I must find water first!"
" OK," said the old Jewish man, "it does not matter that you do not want to buy a tie and that you hate me. I will show you that I am bigger than that." If you continue over that hill to the east for about five miles, you will find a lovely restaurant. It has all
the ice cold water you need. Shalom."
Muttering obscenities, the Taliban staggered away over the hill. Several hours later he staggered back, almost dead and with his last breath said:
"Your brother won't let me in without a tie!"
Hoping to find water, he hurried toward the object, only to find a little old Jewish man at a small stand selling ties.
The Taliban asked, "Do you have water?"
The Jewish man replied, "I have no water. Would you like to buy a tie? They are only $5."
The Taliban shouted , "Idiot Jew! I do not need an over-priced tie. I need water! I should kill you, but I must find water first!"
" OK," said the old Jewish man, "it does not matter that you do not want to buy a tie and that you hate me. I will show you that I am bigger than that." If you continue over that hill to the east for about five miles, you will find a lovely restaurant. It has all
the ice cold water you need. Shalom."
Muttering obscenities, the Taliban staggered away over the hill. Several hours later he staggered back, almost dead and with his last breath said:
"Your brother won't let me in without a tie!"
Thursday, January 17, 2008
An Insurance Claim from Iraq
From the blog of a solider currently in Iraq:
The Surreal USAA Phone Call
I called USAA Insurance claims earlier today to file a claim for my camera. It's a kickass camera too, a Canon PowerShot SD 450. I've had that camera since last Christmas, whence my parents bequeathed it to me in order to capture footage of this mystical middle-eastern environ known as Iraq. That being considered, I was quite annoyed to find that it was irreparably damaged...well it's not in tiny bits and pieces, but the screen is cracked. Anything else, I would have just sucked it up and bought a new one, but for a $250 camera? Well, somebody's gotta pay for it, and I'll be damned if it's going to be me!
I was fortunate enough to get through to a USAA (whom I use for Auto and property insurance as well as banking) representative with no wait. The nice lady on the other end asked me what I needed to file a claim for.
"Yes, my digital camera was damaged three days ago beyond repair, I need to file a claim for it."
"No problem sir...Okay, so can you tell me how it was damaged."
"Sure, it got hit by a rocket propelled grenade three days ago."
Silence. Not unexpected to say the least, but I still found humorous the mental image of a woman on the other end of the phone in shocked quiet, her brain struggling to grasp what I told her.
"Uhm...could you say that again please?"
"Yes, it got hit by a rocket propelled grenade. I'm in Iraq right now."
Granted, I could have told her that up front, but I decided to let her wrestle with the dea of somebody in Average, US, having a camera destroyed by a random rocket propelled weapon. But then again, for all she knew I could have been in Detroit.
"Ah, I see...soo, it got hit by a rocket...propelled....grenade?"
"Yeah. I'm on a tank see, and we were out on a mission, we got attacked, and the RPG hit the stowage box that I had my camera in. It didn't shatter it or anything, it just broke the LCD screen."
"I see...okay, let me get this form started...so you are in Iraq...which city?"
"Ramadi."
"How do you spell that?"
Ahhh, a mental genius. If she's ugly, then I'd say there's a 100% chance of her being single, as nobody dates girls that are stupid AND ugly. Except maybe perpetual drunkards.
"Yeah. R-A-M-A-D-I."
"Okay...and do you have a street that this occurred on?"
Wow. How to answer this one. I could just tell her, but then again the names we have for streets here are hardly official, and she sure as hell wouldn't be able to pull out a Frommer's and look up where "Michigan" is on the Ramadi map. I'd have to send her a copy of the city map graphics we have, which happen to be classified, for her to believe me saying "Why yes ma'am, it happened at the intersection of 'Durka Durka' road and 'Dumb Shit' alley...I'm sorry, I meant 'Shit Creek' alley, I always get those confused." However, since she holds the key towards me getting a camera that I don't have to pay for, I opt to curtail my standard smartass antics. That and not having footage of her facial expression just didn't make it worth it.
"Yeah...the streets here don't really have actual names. We give them code names and stuff, but there aren't any official street names. That won't be a problem, right?"
"No sir not at all...okay...lets see, damage caused by...hmmm...what should I put here..."
I offer my assistance. "Enemy fire, maybe?"
"Ohh, that works. Okay, enemy fire. And party responsible...Hmmm....did you manage to get the name of the person that fired the rocket at your tank?"
Times like these really try my better nature. As much as I wanted to say something witty like "Why yes I did, his name was Bob. Bob the Insurgent. Not to be confused with Bob the Bombmaker or Bob the Beheader. Just Bob the Insurgent." As for that question, what the hell is that? Like I'm going to stop my tank, get out of my 68 ton rolling sanctuary, walk over to the hadji, and then say "Excuse me good sir, but that rocket you fired damaged my digital camera, which I must assume you had no intention of doing. Would you mind giving me your insurance information so that I may promptly file a claim?" "Why yes mistah! My name is Ahkmed AbdullahDurkaAkbar, and I live at 1352 Dumb Shit Road!" Again, I must suppress my base urges in exchange for a payoff.
"Uh...no ma'am, we weren't able to catch the name of the guy who shot it at us, but he's no longer among us."
"Oh..."
Wait for it...wait for it...
"...OH!"
Yes, that's right. He shot an RPG at me and broke my camera, so I killed the prick. Don't judge me. "Yes, but unfortunately I don't have a name that I can give you."
"Oh, that's okay sir...that's quite okay, I assure you." It's funny how people's attitudes change once they realize that they're talking to somebody that's had to kill people. It's not like I'd shoot her (unless of course she has the new Air Jordans, which are always worth killing over), so her apprehension was misplaced. "Okay sir, it's been sent to the claims adjusters, they should be emailing you within a few working days."
"No problem, thanks for your help. Quick question though."
"Yes sir?"
"You don't get a lot of calls like this, do you?"
"No...why?"
Yeah. I could tell. But at least I'll be getting a new camera now.
The Surreal USAA Phone Call
I called USAA Insurance claims earlier today to file a claim for my camera. It's a kickass camera too, a Canon PowerShot SD 450. I've had that camera since last Christmas, whence my parents bequeathed it to me in order to capture footage of this mystical middle-eastern environ known as Iraq. That being considered, I was quite annoyed to find that it was irreparably damaged...well it's not in tiny bits and pieces, but the screen is cracked. Anything else, I would have just sucked it up and bought a new one, but for a $250 camera? Well, somebody's gotta pay for it, and I'll be damned if it's going to be me!
I was fortunate enough to get through to a USAA (whom I use for Auto and property insurance as well as banking) representative with no wait. The nice lady on the other end asked me what I needed to file a claim for.
"Yes, my digital camera was damaged three days ago beyond repair, I need to file a claim for it."
"No problem sir...Okay, so can you tell me how it was damaged."
"Sure, it got hit by a rocket propelled grenade three days ago."
Silence. Not unexpected to say the least, but I still found humorous the mental image of a woman on the other end of the phone in shocked quiet, her brain struggling to grasp what I told her.
"Uhm...could you say that again please?"
"Yes, it got hit by a rocket propelled grenade. I'm in Iraq right now."
Granted, I could have told her that up front, but I decided to let her wrestle with the dea of somebody in Average, US, having a camera destroyed by a random rocket propelled weapon. But then again, for all she knew I could have been in Detroit.
"Ah, I see...soo, it got hit by a rocket...propelled....grenade?"
"Yeah. I'm on a tank see, and we were out on a mission, we got attacked, and the RPG hit the stowage box that I had my camera in. It didn't shatter it or anything, it just broke the LCD screen."
"I see...okay, let me get this form started...so you are in Iraq...which city?"
"Ramadi."
"How do you spell that?"
Ahhh, a mental genius. If she's ugly, then I'd say there's a 100% chance of her being single, as nobody dates girls that are stupid AND ugly. Except maybe perpetual drunkards.
"Yeah. R-A-M-A-D-I."
"Okay...and do you have a street that this occurred on?"
Wow. How to answer this one. I could just tell her, but then again the names we have for streets here are hardly official, and she sure as hell wouldn't be able to pull out a Frommer's and look up where "Michigan" is on the Ramadi map. I'd have to send her a copy of the city map graphics we have, which happen to be classified, for her to believe me saying "Why yes ma'am, it happened at the intersection of 'Durka Durka' road and 'Dumb Shit' alley...I'm sorry, I meant 'Shit Creek' alley, I always get those confused." However, since she holds the key towards me getting a camera that I don't have to pay for, I opt to curtail my standard smartass antics. That and not having footage of her facial expression just didn't make it worth it.
"Yeah...the streets here don't really have actual names. We give them code names and stuff, but there aren't any official street names. That won't be a problem, right?"
"No sir not at all...okay...lets see, damage caused by...hmmm...what should I put here..."
I offer my assistance. "Enemy fire, maybe?"
"Ohh, that works. Okay, enemy fire. And party responsible...Hmmm....did you manage to get the name of the person that fired the rocket at your tank?"
Times like these really try my better nature. As much as I wanted to say something witty like "Why yes I did, his name was Bob. Bob the Insurgent. Not to be confused with Bob the Bombmaker or Bob the Beheader. Just Bob the Insurgent." As for that question, what the hell is that? Like I'm going to stop my tank, get out of my 68 ton rolling sanctuary, walk over to the hadji, and then say "Excuse me good sir, but that rocket you fired damaged my digital camera, which I must assume you had no intention of doing. Would you mind giving me your insurance information so that I may promptly file a claim?" "Why yes mistah! My name is Ahkmed AbdullahDurkaAkbar, and I live at 1352 Dumb Shit Road!" Again, I must suppress my base urges in exchange for a payoff.
"Uh...no ma'am, we weren't able to catch the name of the guy who shot it at us, but he's no longer among us."
"Oh..."
Wait for it...wait for it...
"...OH!"
Yes, that's right. He shot an RPG at me and broke my camera, so I killed the prick. Don't judge me. "Yes, but unfortunately I don't have a name that I can give you."
"Oh, that's okay sir...that's quite okay, I assure you." It's funny how people's attitudes change once they realize that they're talking to somebody that's had to kill people. It's not like I'd shoot her (unless of course she has the new Air Jordans, which are always worth killing over), so her apprehension was misplaced. "Okay sir, it's been sent to the claims adjusters, they should be emailing you within a few working days."
"No problem, thanks for your help. Quick question though."
"Yes sir?"
"You don't get a lot of calls like this, do you?"
"No...why?"
Yeah. I could tell. But at least I'll be getting a new camera now.
A Woman's Poem
He didn't like the casserole
And he didn't like my cake.
He said my biscuits were too hard...
Not like his mother used to make.
I didn't perk the coffee right
He didn't like the stew,
I didn't mend his socks
The way his mother used to do.
I pondered for an answer
I was looking for a clue.
Then I turned around and smacked the shit out of him.
Like his MOMMA used to do
And he didn't like my cake.
He said my biscuits were too hard...
Not like his mother used to make.
I didn't perk the coffee right
He didn't like the stew,
I didn't mend his socks
The way his mother used to do.
I pondered for an answer
I was looking for a clue.
Then I turned around and smacked the shit out of him.
Like his MOMMA used to do
Just so you know . . .
To all my friends who sent me best wishes in 2007 and promises of good luck if I forwarded something; it did NOT WORK.
For 2008, could you please just send either money, chocolate or gasoline vouchers?
Thank you and God Bless!
For 2008, could you please just send either money, chocolate or gasoline vouchers?
Thank you and God Bless!
Women's Ass Size Study
There is a new study just released by the American Psychiatric Association about women and how they feel about their asses. The results are pretty shocking:
1. Only 5% of women surveyed feel their ass is too big.
2. 10% of women surveyed feel their ass is too small.
3. The remaining 85% say they don't care; they love him; he's a good man and they would have married him anyway.
1. Only 5% of women surveyed feel their ass is too big.
2. 10% of women surveyed feel their ass is too small.
3. The remaining 85% say they don't care; they love him; he's a good man and they would have married him anyway.
Elmo's Balls
There is a factory in Northern Minnesota which makes the Tickle Me Elmo toys. The toy laughs when you tickle it under the arms.
Well, Lena is hired at The Tickle Me Elmo factory and she reports for her first day promptly at 8:00 AM. The next day at 8:45 AM there is a knock at the Personnel Manager's door. The Foreman throws open the door and begins to rant about the new employee. He complains that she is incredibly slow and the whole line is backing up, putting the entire production line behind schedule. The Personnel Manager decides he should see this for himself, so the 2 men march down to the factory floor.
When they get there the line is so backed up that there are Tickle Me Elmo's all over the factory floor and they're really beginning to pile up. At the end of the line stands Lena surrounded by mountains of Tickle Me Elmo's. She has a roll of plush red fabric and a huge bag of small marbles. The 2 men watch in amazement as she cuts a little piece of fabric, wraps it around two marbles and begins to carefully sew the little package between Elmo's legs.
The Personnel Manager bursts into laughter. After several minutes of hysterics he pulls himself together and approaches Lena . "I'm sorry," he says to her, barely able to keep a straight face, "but I think you misunderstood the instructions I gave you yesterday..." Your job is to give Elmo two test tickles.
Well, Lena is hired at The Tickle Me Elmo factory and she reports for her first day promptly at 8:00 AM. The next day at 8:45 AM there is a knock at the Personnel Manager's door. The Foreman throws open the door and begins to rant about the new employee. He complains that she is incredibly slow and the whole line is backing up, putting the entire production line behind schedule. The Personnel Manager decides he should see this for himself, so the 2 men march down to the factory floor.
When they get there the line is so backed up that there are Tickle Me Elmo's all over the factory floor and they're really beginning to pile up. At the end of the line stands Lena surrounded by mountains of Tickle Me Elmo's. She has a roll of plush red fabric and a huge bag of small marbles. The 2 men watch in amazement as she cuts a little piece of fabric, wraps it around two marbles and begins to carefully sew the little package between Elmo's legs.
The Personnel Manager bursts into laughter. After several minutes of hysterics he pulls himself together and approaches Lena . "I'm sorry," he says to her, barely able to keep a straight face, "but I think you misunderstood the instructions I gave you yesterday..." Your job is to give Elmo two test tickles.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
