Note: This is "R" rated
Tuesday, October 9, 2007
Have A Happy Period
Supposedly this is an actual letter sent to Proctor & Gamble from Wendi Aarons, Austin , TX , regarding their feminine products. Does it really matter whether it's authentic? Wendi really gets rolling after the first paragraph . . .
Dear Mr. Thatcher,
I have been a loyal user of your Always Maxi Pads for over 20 years and I appreciate many of their features. Why, without the Leak GuardCore(tm) or Dri-Weave(tm) absorbency, I'd probably never go horseback riding or salsa dancing, and I'd certainly steer clear of running up and down the beach in tight, white shorts. But my favorite feature has to be your revolutionary Flexi-Wings. Kudos on being the only company smart enough to realize how crucial it is that maxi pads be aerodynamic. I can't tell you how safe and secure I feel each month knowing there's a little F-16 in my pants.
Have you ever had a period, Mr. Thatcher? Ever suffered from "the curse"? I'm guessing you haven't.
Well, my "time of the month" is starting right now. As I type, I can already feel hormonal forces violently surging through my body. Just a few minutes from now, my body will adjust and I'll be transformed into what my husband likes to call "an inbred hillbilly with knife skills."
As Brand Manager in the Feminine-hygiene Division, you've no doubt seen quite a bit of research on what exactly happens during your customers' monthly visits from "Aunt Flo." Therefore, you must know about the bloating, puffiness and cramping we endure, and about our intense mood swings, crying and out-of-control behavior. You surely realize it's a tough time for most women.
The point is, sir, you of all people must realize that America is just crawling with homicidal maniacs in Capri pants . . . which brings me to the reason for my letter.
Last month, while in the throes of cramping so painful I wanted to reach inside my body and yank out my uterus, I opened an Always maxi-pad, and there, printed on the adhesive backing, were these words: "Have a Happy Period."
Are you f__king kidding me? Does any part of your tiny middle-manager brain really think happiness -- actual smiling, laughing happiness -- is possible during a period? Did anything mentioned above sound the least bit pleasurable? Well, did it, James? FYI, unless you're some kind of sick S&M freak girl, there will never be anything "happy" about a day in which you have to jack yourself up on Motrin and Kahlua and lock yourself in your house just so you don't march down to the local Kmart armed with a hunting rifle and a sketchy plan to end your life in a blaze of glory.
For the love of God, if you just have to slap a moronic message on a maxi pad, wouldn't it make more sense to say something that's actually pertinent, like "Put Down the Hammer" or "Vehicular Manslaughter Is Wrong," or are you just picking on us?
Sir, please inform your Accounting Department that, effective immediately, there will be an $8 drop in monthly profits, for I have chosen to take my maxi-pad business elsewhere. And though I will certainly miss your Flex-Wings, I will not for one minute miss your brand of condescending bull s__t. And that's a promise I will keep.
Always.
Best,
Wendi Aarons
Austin , TX
Dear Mr. Thatcher,
I have been a loyal user of your Always Maxi Pads for over 20 years and I appreciate many of their features. Why, without the Leak GuardCore(tm) or Dri-Weave(tm) absorbency, I'd probably never go horseback riding or salsa dancing, and I'd certainly steer clear of running up and down the beach in tight, white shorts. But my favorite feature has to be your revolutionary Flexi-Wings. Kudos on being the only company smart enough to realize how crucial it is that maxi pads be aerodynamic. I can't tell you how safe and secure I feel each month knowing there's a little F-16 in my pants.
Have you ever had a period, Mr. Thatcher? Ever suffered from "the curse"? I'm guessing you haven't.
Well, my "time of the month" is starting right now. As I type, I can already feel hormonal forces violently surging through my body. Just a few minutes from now, my body will adjust and I'll be transformed into what my husband likes to call "an inbred hillbilly with knife skills."
As Brand Manager in the Feminine-hygiene Division, you've no doubt seen quite a bit of research on what exactly happens during your customers' monthly visits from "Aunt Flo." Therefore, you must know about the bloating, puffiness and cramping we endure, and about our intense mood swings, crying and out-of-control behavior. You surely realize it's a tough time for most women.
The point is, sir, you of all people must realize that America is just crawling with homicidal maniacs in Capri pants . . . which brings me to the reason for my letter.
Last month, while in the throes of cramping so painful I wanted to reach inside my body and yank out my uterus, I opened an Always maxi-pad, and there, printed on the adhesive backing, were these words: "Have a Happy Period."
Are you f__king kidding me? Does any part of your tiny middle-manager brain really think happiness -- actual smiling, laughing happiness -- is possible during a period? Did anything mentioned above sound the least bit pleasurable? Well, did it, James? FYI, unless you're some kind of sick S&M freak girl, there will never be anything "happy" about a day in which you have to jack yourself up on Motrin and Kahlua and lock yourself in your house just so you don't march down to the local Kmart armed with a hunting rifle and a sketchy plan to end your life in a blaze of glory.
For the love of God, if you just have to slap a moronic message on a maxi pad, wouldn't it make more sense to say something that's actually pertinent, like "Put Down the Hammer" or "Vehicular Manslaughter Is Wrong," or are you just picking on us?
Sir, please inform your Accounting Department that, effective immediately, there will be an $8 drop in monthly profits, for I have chosen to take my maxi-pad business elsewhere. And though I will certainly miss your Flex-Wings, I will not for one minute miss your brand of condescending bull s__t. And that's a promise I will keep.
Always.
Best,
Wendi Aarons
Austin , TX
The 1st Date
If you didn't see this on the Tonight show, I hope you're sitting down when you read it. This is probably the funniest date story ever, first date or not!!! We have all had bad dates but this takes the cake.
Jay Leno went into the audience to find the most embarrassing first date that a woman ever had.
The winner described her wors t first date experience. There was absolutely no question as to why her tale took the prize!
She said it was midwinter...Snowing and quite cold...and the guy had taken her skiing in the mountains outside Salt Lake City , Utah ..
It was a day trip (no overnight). They were strangers, after all, and truly had never met before.
The outing was fun but relatively uneventful until they were headed home late that afternoon.
They were driving back down the mountain, when she gradual ly began to realize that she should not have had that extra latte..
They were about an hour our away from anywhere with a rest room and in the middle of nowhere!
Her companion suggested she try to hold it, which she did for a while.
Unfortunately, because of the heavy snow and slow going, there came a point where she told him that he had better stop and let her go beside the road, or it would be the front seat of his car. They stopped and she
quickly crawled out beside the car, yanked her pants down and started.
In the deep snow she didn't have good footing, so she let her butt rest against the rear fender to steady herself.
Her companion stood on the s ide of the car watching for traffic and indeed was a real gentleman and refrained from peeking. All she could think about was the relief she felt despite the rather embarrassing
nature of the situation. Upon finishing however, she soon became aware of another sensation.
As she bent to pull up her pants, the young lady discovered her buttocks were firmly g lued against the car's fender.
Thoughts of tongues frozen to poles immediately came to mind as she attempted to disengage her flesh from the icy metal. It was quickly apparent that she had a brand new problem due to the extreme cold..
Horrified by her plight and yet aware of the humor of the moment, she answered her date's concerns about "what is taking so long" with a reply that indeed, she was "freezing her butt off" and in need of some
assistance!
He came around the car as she tried to cover herself with her sweater and then, as she looked imploringly into his eyes, he burst out laughing.
She too, got the giggles and when they finally managed to compose themselves, they assessed her dilemma.
Obviously, as hysterical as the situation was, they also were faced with a real problem.. Both agreed it would take something hot to free her chilly cheeks from the grip of the icy metal!
Thinking abo ut what had gotten her into the predicament in the first place, both quickly realized that there was only one way to get her free.
So, as she looked the other way, her first-time date proceeded to unzip his pants and pee her butt off the fender. As the audience screamed in laughter, she took the Tonight Show prize hands down. Or perhaps that should be "pants down." And you thought your first date was embarrassing.
Jay Leno's comment..."This gives a whole new meaning to being pissed off."
Oh, and how did the first date turn out? He became her husband and was sitting next to her on the Leno show.
Jay Leno went into the audience to find the most embarrassing first date that a woman ever had.
The winner described her wors t first date experience. There was absolutely no question as to why her tale took the prize!
She said it was midwinter...Snowing and quite cold...and the guy had taken her skiing in the mountains outside Salt Lake City , Utah ..
It was a day trip (no overnight). They were strangers, after all, and truly had never met before.
The outing was fun but relatively uneventful until they were headed home late that afternoon.
They were driving back down the mountain, when she gradual ly began to realize that she should not have had that extra latte..
They were about an hour our away from anywhere with a rest room and in the middle of nowhere!
Her companion suggested she try to hold it, which she did for a while.
Unfortunately, because of the heavy snow and slow going, there came a point where she told him that he had better stop and let her go beside the road, or it would be the front seat of his car. They stopped and she
quickly crawled out beside the car, yanked her pants down and started.
In the deep snow she didn't have good footing, so she let her butt rest against the rear fender to steady herself.
Her companion stood on the s ide of the car watching for traffic and indeed was a real gentleman and refrained from peeking. All she could think about was the relief she felt despite the rather embarrassing
nature of the situation. Upon finishing however, she soon became aware of another sensation.
As she bent to pull up her pants, the young lady discovered her buttocks were firmly g lued against the car's fender.
Thoughts of tongues frozen to poles immediately came to mind as she attempted to disengage her flesh from the icy metal. It was quickly apparent that she had a brand new problem due to the extreme cold..
Horrified by her plight and yet aware of the humor of the moment, she answered her date's concerns about "what is taking so long" with a reply that indeed, she was "freezing her butt off" and in need of some
assistance!
He came around the car as she tried to cover herself with her sweater and then, as she looked imploringly into his eyes, he burst out laughing.
She too, got the giggles and when they finally managed to compose themselves, they assessed her dilemma.
Obviously, as hysterical as the situation was, they also were faced with a real problem.. Both agreed it would take something hot to free her chilly cheeks from the grip of the icy metal!
Thinking abo ut what had gotten her into the predicament in the first place, both quickly realized that there was only one way to get her free.
So, as she looked the other way, her first-time date proceeded to unzip his pants and pee her butt off the fender. As the audience screamed in laughter, she took the Tonight Show prize hands down. Or perhaps that should be "pants down." And you thought your first date was embarrassing.
Jay Leno's comment..."This gives a whole new meaning to being pissed off."
Oh, and how did the first date turn out? He became her husband and was sitting next to her on the Leno show.
"Fresh" From Aggieland Θ Θ
A round watermelon can take up a lot of room in a refrigerator, and the usually round fruit often sits awkwardly on refrigerator shelves. Smart Aggie farmers have forced their watermelons to grow into a square shape by inserting the melons into square, tempered glass cases while the fruit is still growing on the vine.
For Brandon Θ Θ
These are the new Puma adds for their latest line. Not only are they cute, but they're kinda ironic. Click on images to make them larger.
Monday, September 24, 2007
The Stranger
A few years after I was born, my Dad met a stranger who was new to our small Texas town. From the beginning, Dad was fascinated with this enchanting newcomer and soon invited him to live with our family. The stranger was quickly accepted and was around from then on.
As I grew up, I never questioned his place in my family. In my young mind, he had a special niche. My parents were complementary instructors: Mom taught me good from evil, and Dad taught me to obey. But the stranger...he was our storyteller. He would keep us spellbound for hours on end with adventures, mysteries and comedies.
If I wanted to know anything about politics, history or science, he always knew the answers about the past, understood the present and even seemed able to predict the future! He took my family to the first major league ball game. He made me laugh, and he made me cry. The stranger never stopped talking, but Dad didn't see m to mind.
Sometimes, Mom would get up quietly while the rest of us were shushing each other to listen to what he had to say, and she would go to the kitchen for peace and quiet. (I wonder now if she ever prayed for the stranger to leave.)
Dad ruled our household with certain moral convictions, but the stranger never felt obligated to honor them. Profanity, for example, was not allowed in our home... Not from us, our friends or any visitors.
Our longtime visitor , however, got away with four-letter words that burned my ears and made my dad squirm and my mother blush.
My Dad didn't permit the liberal use of alcohol. But the stranger encouraged us to try it on a regular basis. He made cigarettes look cool, cigars manly and pipes distinguished. He talked freely (much too freely!) about sex. His comments were sometimes blatant, sometimes suggestive, and generally embarrassing.
I now know that my early concepts about relation ships were influenced strongly by the stranger. Time after time, he opposed the values of my parents, yet he was seldom rebuked... And NEVER asked to leave.
More than fifty years have passed since the stranger moved in with our family. He has blended right in and is not nearly as fascinating as he was at first. Still, if you could walk into my parents' den today, you would still find him sitting over in his corner, waiting for someone to listen to him talk and watch him draw his pictures. His
name?..............
We just call him, "TV."
P. S. He has a wife now....We call her "Computer."
As I grew up, I never questioned his place in my family. In my young mind, he had a special niche. My parents were complementary instructors: Mom taught me good from evil, and Dad taught me to obey. But the stranger...he was our storyteller. He would keep us spellbound for hours on end with adventures, mysteries and comedies.
If I wanted to know anything about politics, history or science, he always knew the answers about the past, understood the present and even seemed able to predict the future! He took my family to the first major league ball game. He made me laugh, and he made me cry. The stranger never stopped talking, but Dad didn't see m to mind.
Sometimes, Mom would get up quietly while the rest of us were shushing each other to listen to what he had to say, and she would go to the kitchen for peace and quiet. (I wonder now if she ever prayed for the stranger to leave.)
Dad ruled our household with certain moral convictions, but the stranger never felt obligated to honor them. Profanity, for example, was not allowed in our home... Not from us, our friends or any visitors.
Our longtime visitor , however, got away with four-letter words that burned my ears and made my dad squirm and my mother blush.
My Dad didn't permit the liberal use of alcohol. But the stranger encouraged us to try it on a regular basis. He made cigarettes look cool, cigars manly and pipes distinguished. He talked freely (much too freely!) about sex. His comments were sometimes blatant, sometimes suggestive, and generally embarrassing.
I now know that my early concepts about relation ships were influenced strongly by the stranger. Time after time, he opposed the values of my parents, yet he was seldom rebuked... And NEVER asked to leave.
More than fifty years have passed since the stranger moved in with our family. He has blended right in and is not nearly as fascinating as he was at first. Still, if you could walk into my parents' den today, you would still find him sitting over in his corner, waiting for someone to listen to him talk and watch him draw his pictures. His
name?..............
We just call him, "TV."
P. S. He has a wife now....We call her "Computer."
Thought For The Day
"Good looks catch the eye but a GOOD personality catches the heart. You're blessed with both!"
Don't be flattered, this was originally sent to ME --I just wanted YOU to read it.
Don't be flattered, this was originally sent to ME --I just wanted YOU to read it.
I Think I'll Hold It Θ Θ
I realize that I may live "way out there in the boonies" now. But I never believed that I was that far outta the Metroplex till I went to a festival on the town square this weekend.
I'm hoping this really wasn't their idea of public restrooms:
See More Real Life Posts at my other blog: Names May Have Been Changed
I'm hoping this really wasn't their idea of public restrooms:
See More Real Life Posts at my other blog: Names May Have Been Changed
I'd Be On Trial Too. . .
I was met with, "Hi, I'm Belinda!" This perky clipboard carrier smiled from ear to ear, tilted her head to one side and crooned, "All I need you to do is step into this room right here, strip to the waist, then slip on this gown. Everything clearrrr?"
I'm thinking, "Belinda, try decaf. This ain't rocket science."
Belinda skipped away to prepare the chamber of horrors. Call me crazy,but I suspect a man invented this machine. It takes a perfectly healthy cup size of 36-B to a size 38-LONG in less than 60 seconds. Also, girls aren't made of sugar and spice and everything nice....it's Spandex. We can be stretched, pulled and twisted over a cold 4-inch piece of square glass and still pop back into shape. With the right side finished, Belinda flipped me (literally) to the left and said, "Hmmmm. Can you stand on your tippy toes and lean in a tad so we can get everything?"
"Fine," I answered. I was freezing, bruised, and out of air, so why not use the remaining circulation in my legs and neck and finish me off?
My body was in a holding pattern that defied gravity (with my other boob wedged between those two 4" pieces of square glass) when we heard, then felt a zap!
Complete darkness and the power went off!
"What was THAT?" I yelled.
"Oh, maintenance is working. Bet they hit a snag."
Belinda headed for the door. "Excuse me! You're not leaving me in this vise alone, are you?" I shouted.
Belinda kept going and said, "Oh, you fussy puppy, the door's wide open so you'll have the emergency hall lights. I'll be righttttt backkkk."
Before I could shout "NOOOO!" she disappeared. And that's exactly how Bubba and Earl, maintenance men extraordinarie, found me, half-naked and part of me dangling from the Jaws of Life and the other part smashed between glass!
After exchanging polite "Hi, how's it going" type greetings, Bubba (or possibly Earl) asked, to my utter disbelief, if I knew the power was off.
Trying to disguise my hysteria, I replied with as much calmness as possible. "Uh, yes, yes I did thanks."
"You bet, take care" Bubba replied and waved good-bye as though I'd been standing in the line at the grocery store.
Two hours later, Belinda breezes in wearing a sheepish grin and making no attempt to suppress her amusement, she said. "Oh I am soooo sorry! The power came back on and I totally forgot about you! And silly me, I went to lunch. Are we upset?"
...And that, Your Honor, is exactly how her head ended up between the clamps.
I'm thinking, "Belinda, try decaf. This ain't rocket science."
Belinda skipped away to prepare the chamber of horrors. Call me crazy,but I suspect a man invented this machine. It takes a perfectly healthy cup size of 36-B to a size 38-LONG in less than 60 seconds. Also, girls aren't made of sugar and spice and everything nice....it's Spandex. We can be stretched, pulled and twisted over a cold 4-inch piece of square glass and still pop back into shape. With the right side finished, Belinda flipped me (literally) to the left and said, "Hmmmm. Can you stand on your tippy toes and lean in a tad so we can get everything?"
"Fine," I answered. I was freezing, bruised, and out of air, so why not use the remaining circulation in my legs and neck and finish me off?
My body was in a holding pattern that defied gravity (with my other boob wedged between those two 4" pieces of square glass) when we heard, then felt a zap!
Complete darkness and the power went off!
"What was THAT?" I yelled.
"Oh, maintenance is working. Bet they hit a snag."
Belinda headed for the door. "Excuse me! You're not leaving me in this vise alone, are you?" I shouted.
Belinda kept going and said, "Oh, you fussy puppy, the door's wide open so you'll have the emergency hall lights. I'll be righttttt backkkk."
Before I could shout "NOOOO!" she disappeared. And that's exactly how Bubba and Earl, maintenance men extraordinarie, found me, half-naked and part of me dangling from the Jaws of Life and the other part smashed between glass!
After exchanging polite "Hi, how's it going" type greetings, Bubba (or possibly Earl) asked, to my utter disbelief, if I knew the power was off.
Trying to disguise my hysteria, I replied with as much calmness as possible. "Uh, yes, yes I did thanks."
"You bet, take care" Bubba replied and waved good-bye as though I'd been standing in the line at the grocery store.
Two hours later, Belinda breezes in wearing a sheepish grin and making no attempt to suppress her amusement, she said. "Oh I am soooo sorry! The power came back on and I totally forgot about you! And silly me, I went to lunch. Are we upset?"
...And that, Your Honor, is exactly how her head ended up between the clamps.
Been Doing It Wrong For Years Θ Θ
A New Way To Weigh Yourself
I can't believe I was doing it wrong all these years.
We must get the word out.
I can't believe I was doing it wrong all these years.
We must get the word out.
Monday, September 10, 2007
Man Laws
1. Under no circumstances may two men share an umbrella.
2: It is OK for a man to cry ONLY under the following circumstances:
(a) When a heroic dog dies to save its master.
(b) The moment Angelina Jolie starts unbuttoning her blouse.
(c) After wrecking your boss's car.
(d) One hour, 12 minutes, 37 seconds into "The Crying Game".
(e) When she is using her teeth.
3: Any Man who brings a camera to a bachelor party may be legally killed and eaten by his buddies.
4: Unless he murdered someone in your family, you must bail a friend out of jail within 12 hours.
5: If you've known a guy for more than 24 hours, his sister is off
limits forever unless you actually marry her.
6: Moaning about the brand of free beer in a buddy's fridge is
forbidden. However complain at will if the temperature is unsuitable.
7: No man shall ever be required to buy a birthday present for another man. In fact, even remembering your buddy's birthday is strictly optional. At that point, you must celebrate at a strip bar of the birthday boy's choice.
8: On a road trip, the strongest bladder determines pit stops, not the weakest.
9: When stumbling upon other guys watching a sporting event, you may ask the score of the game in progress, but you may never ask who's playing.
10: You may flatulate in front of a woman only after you have brought her to climax. If you trap her head under the covers for the purpose of flatulent entertainment, she's officially your girlfriend.
11: It is permissible to drink a fruity alcohol drink only when you're sunning on a tropical beach... and it's delivered by a topless model and only when it's free.
12: Only in situations of moral and/or physical peril are you allowed to kick another guy in the nuts.
13: Unless you're in prison, never fight naked.
14: Friends don't let friends wear Speedos. Ever. Issue closed.
15: If a man's fly is down, that's his problem, you didn't see
anything.
16: Women who claim they "love to watch sports" must be treated as spies until they demonstrate knowledge of the game and the ability to drink as much as the other sports watchers.
17: A man in the company of a hot, suggestively dressed woman must remain sober enough to fight.
18: Never hesitate to reach for the last beer or the last slice of
pizza, but not both, that's just greedy.
19: If you compliment a guy on his six-pack, you'd better be talking about his choice of beer.
20: Never join your girlfriend or wife in discussing a friend of
yours, except if she's withholding sex pending your response.
21: Phrases that may NOT be uttered to another man while lifting
weights:
(a) Yeah, Baby, Push it!
(b) C'mon, give me one more! Harder!
(c) Another set and we can hit the showers!
22: Never talk to a man in a bathroom unless you are on equal footing: i.e., both urinating, both waiting in line, etc. For all other
situations, an almost imperceptible nod is all the conversation you
need.
23: Never allow a telephone conversation with a woman to go on longer than you are able to have sex with her. Keep a stopwatch by the phone. Hang up if necessary.
24: The morning after you and a girl who was formerly "just a friend" have carnal, drunken monkey sex, the fact that you're feeling weird and guilty is no reason for you not to nail each other again before the discussion about what a big mistake it was occurs.
25: It is acceptable for you to drive her car. It is not acceptable
for her to drive yours.
26: Thou shalt not buy a car in the colors of brown, pink, lime green, orange or sky blue.
27: The girl who replies to the question "What do you want for
Christmas?" with "If you loved me, you'd know what I want!" gets an Xbox. End of story.
28: There is no reason for guys to watch Ice Skating or Men's
Gymnastics. Ever
29: Men should only wear pants that are long enough to cover the top of your shoes or shorts long enough to cover the top of your knee. Shorts that reveal the white glow of your thigh are strickly forbidden. We should not even have to tell you capri pants are not for men!
30: Men eat meat. Therefore, vegitarians are not men.
31: You are not allowed to own any of the following vehicles;
(a) Vespa
(b) VW Beetle
(c) Toyota Rav 4
(d) Neon
(e) Passat
(f) Mazda Miata
(g) Honda Del Sol
(h) Any car made in the 80's
~~Thanx Aaron!!
2: It is OK for a man to cry ONLY under the following circumstances:
(a) When a heroic dog dies to save its master.
(b) The moment Angelina Jolie starts unbuttoning her blouse.
(c) After wrecking your boss's car.
(d) One hour, 12 minutes, 37 seconds into "The Crying Game".
(e) When she is using her teeth.
3: Any Man who brings a camera to a bachelor party may be legally killed and eaten by his buddies.
4: Unless he murdered someone in your family, you must bail a friend out of jail within 12 hours.
5: If you've known a guy for more than 24 hours, his sister is off
limits forever unless you actually marry her.
6: Moaning about the brand of free beer in a buddy's fridge is
forbidden. However complain at will if the temperature is unsuitable.
7: No man shall ever be required to buy a birthday present for another man. In fact, even remembering your buddy's birthday is strictly optional. At that point, you must celebrate at a strip bar of the birthday boy's choice.
8: On a road trip, the strongest bladder determines pit stops, not the weakest.
9: When stumbling upon other guys watching a sporting event, you may ask the score of the game in progress, but you may never ask who's playing.
10: You may flatulate in front of a woman only after you have brought her to climax. If you trap her head under the covers for the purpose of flatulent entertainment, she's officially your girlfriend.
11: It is permissible to drink a fruity alcohol drink only when you're sunning on a tropical beach... and it's delivered by a topless model and only when it's free.
12: Only in situations of moral and/or physical peril are you allowed to kick another guy in the nuts.
13: Unless you're in prison, never fight naked.
14: Friends don't let friends wear Speedos. Ever. Issue closed.
15: If a man's fly is down, that's his problem, you didn't see
anything.
16: Women who claim they "love to watch sports" must be treated as spies until they demonstrate knowledge of the game and the ability to drink as much as the other sports watchers.
17: A man in the company of a hot, suggestively dressed woman must remain sober enough to fight.
18: Never hesitate to reach for the last beer or the last slice of
pizza, but not both, that's just greedy.
19: If you compliment a guy on his six-pack, you'd better be talking about his choice of beer.
20: Never join your girlfriend or wife in discussing a friend of
yours, except if she's withholding sex pending your response.
21: Phrases that may NOT be uttered to another man while lifting
weights:
(a) Yeah, Baby, Push it!
(b) C'mon, give me one more! Harder!
(c) Another set and we can hit the showers!
22: Never talk to a man in a bathroom unless you are on equal footing: i.e., both urinating, both waiting in line, etc. For all other
situations, an almost imperceptible nod is all the conversation you
need.
23: Never allow a telephone conversation with a woman to go on longer than you are able to have sex with her. Keep a stopwatch by the phone. Hang up if necessary.
24: The morning after you and a girl who was formerly "just a friend" have carnal, drunken monkey sex, the fact that you're feeling weird and guilty is no reason for you not to nail each other again before the discussion about what a big mistake it was occurs.
25: It is acceptable for you to drive her car. It is not acceptable
for her to drive yours.
26: Thou shalt not buy a car in the colors of brown, pink, lime green, orange or sky blue.
27: The girl who replies to the question "What do you want for
Christmas?" with "If you loved me, you'd know what I want!" gets an Xbox. End of story.
28: There is no reason for guys to watch Ice Skating or Men's
Gymnastics. Ever
29: Men should only wear pants that are long enough to cover the top of your shoes or shorts long enough to cover the top of your knee. Shorts that reveal the white glow of your thigh are strickly forbidden. We should not even have to tell you capri pants are not for men!
30: Men eat meat. Therefore, vegitarians are not men.
31: You are not allowed to own any of the following vehicles;
(a) Vespa
(b) VW Beetle
(c) Toyota Rav 4
(d) Neon
(e) Passat
(f) Mazda Miata
(g) Honda Del Sol
(h) Any car made in the 80's
~~Thanx Aaron!!
Got A Sister? Ω Ω
I was sittin' in traffic
Listenin' to the radio
George Strait was singin'
"Seashores of Old Mexico"
It sounded so good
I got an idear
I'm gonna go there
Since they're all over here
The Lone Star State
Should be renamed "TEXICO"
So long, Texas.. Hello, Mexico
I'm gonna swim the Rio Grande at El Paso
I'm leavin' tonight
I ain't gonna pack
I'm only takin' the clothes on my back
So long Texas, Hello Mexico
I'll drive a rattletrap car
with no liability,
I'll demand equal rights
though I'm there . illegally
I'll protest in the streets
'Til they finally grant 'em,
Sing English words
to their National Anthem..
HEY! El Presidente
What's right for your people
Should be right for me
There's no controlling that tide that keeps rolling across the line.
This old Texas cowboy feels like my home state is no longer mine.
So long, Texas.. Hello, Mexico
I'm gonna swim the Rio Grande at El Paso
I'm leavin' tonight
I ain't gonna pack
I'm only takin' the clothes on my back
So long Texas, Hello Mexico
(Fade) YEP! Turnabout's fair play
HECK! I already LOVE the food
AND TEQUILA!
I'm gonna fly that Lone Star flag
and Old Glory EVERY DAY
I'm gonna celebrate every Fourth of July
I'm gonna make them print them forms in English
just for ME!
I'm gonna marry me a pretty senorita and we're
gonna have free medical care and free
education for ALL our kids!
Heck! Playin' my ol' guitar's the only
OTHER skill I've GOT!
Hmm - I wonder if I'll see ol' George Strait
over there
Hey, Gringo! You're swimming the wrong way, man!
Yeah, yeah! I know!
Hey, Amigo! Hey, Amigo! You got a SEESTER????
Wednesday, August 29, 2007
How A Woman's Brain Works Θ Θ
Have you ever wondered how a woman's brain works? Well, it's finally explained in one easy-to-understand illustration -----
Every one of those little blue balls is a thought about something that needs to be done, a decision or a problem that needs to be solved.
A man has only 2 balls and they take up all his thoughts.
Every one of those little blue balls is a thought about something that needs to be done, a decision or a problem that needs to be solved.
A man has only 2 balls and they take up all his thoughts.
The Total Shopping Experience
The new supermarket near my house has an automatic water mister to keep produce fresh. Just before it goes on, you hear the sound of thunder and the smell of fresh rain.
When you approach the milk cases, you hear cows mooing and witness the scent of fresh hay. When you approach the egg case, you hear hens and the air is filled with the pleasing aroma of bacon and eggs frying.
The veggie department features the sound of a gentle breeze and the smell of fresh buttered corn.
I don't buy toilet paper there any more.
When you approach the milk cases, you hear cows mooing and witness the scent of fresh hay. When you approach the egg case, you hear hens and the air is filled with the pleasing aroma of bacon and eggs frying.
The veggie department features the sound of a gentle breeze and the smell of fresh buttered corn.
I don't buy toilet paper there any more.
A Summer Poem
I found this beautiful summer poem and thought it might help make your day.
It did me, and it's very well written.
ENJOY!
" Summer "
a poem by Abigail Elizabeth McIntyre
SHIT!
It's Hot !
A New Shot
A woman and her boyfriend are out having a few drinks. She starts talking about this really great new drink. The more she talks about it, the more excited she gets. She tries to talk him into having one. After a while he gives in and lets her order the drink for him. The bartender brings the drink and puts the following items on the bar: A salt shaker, a shot of Baileys, and a shot of lime juice.
The boyfriend looks at the items quizzically and the woman explains."First, put a bit of the salt on your tongue, next you drink the shot of Baileys and hold it in your mouth, and finally you drink the lime juice."
So, the boyfriend, trying to go along and please her, goes for it. He puts the salt on his tongue -- salty but OK. He drinks the shot of Baileys .smooth, rich, cool, very pleasant. He thinks ... this is OK. Finally he picks up the lime juice and drinks it.
In one second the sharp lime taste hits ...
At two seconds the Baileys curdles .
At three seconds the salty, curdled taste & mucous-like consistency hits
At four seconds it feels as if he has a mouth full of nasty snot.
This triggers his gag reflex, but being manly, and not wanting to disappoint his girlfriend, he swallows the now foul tasting drink. When he finally chokes it down he turns to his girlfriend, and says, "Jesus, what do you call that drink?"
She smiles widely at him and says, "Blow Job Revenge"
The boyfriend looks at the items quizzically and the woman explains."First, put a bit of the salt on your tongue, next you drink the shot of Baileys and hold it in your mouth, and finally you drink the lime juice."
So, the boyfriend, trying to go along and please her, goes for it. He puts the salt on his tongue -- salty but OK. He drinks the shot of Baileys .smooth, rich, cool, very pleasant. He thinks ... this is OK. Finally he picks up the lime juice and drinks it.
In one second the sharp lime taste hits ...
At two seconds the Baileys curdles .
At three seconds the salty, curdled taste & mucous-like consistency hits
At four seconds it feels as if he has a mouth full of nasty snot.
This triggers his gag reflex, but being manly, and not wanting to disappoint his girlfriend, he swallows the now foul tasting drink. When he finally chokes it down he turns to his girlfriend, and says, "Jesus, what do you call that drink?"
She smiles widely at him and says, "Blow Job Revenge"
And we wonder why the government is broke
In 1993, the American Government funded a study to see why the head of a man's penis was larger than the shaft.
After one year and $180,000.00, they concluded that the reason the head was larger than the shaft was to give the man more pleasure during sex.
After the US published the study, France decided to do their own study, and after $250,000.00 and 3 years of research, they concluded that the reason was to give the woman more pleasure during sex.
Canada , unsatisfied with these findings, conducted their own study. After 2 weeks and a cost of around $75.46 and 2 cases of beer, they concluded that it was to keep a man's hand from flying off and hitting himself in the forehead.
After one year and $180,000.00, they concluded that the reason the head was larger than the shaft was to give the man more pleasure during sex.
After the US published the study, France decided to do their own study, and after $250,000.00 and 3 years of research, they concluded that the reason was to give the woman more pleasure during sex.
Canada , unsatisfied with these findings, conducted their own study. After 2 weeks and a cost of around $75.46 and 2 cases of beer, they concluded that it was to keep a man's hand from flying off and hitting himself in the forehead.
Sunday, August 5, 2007
God's Email
One day God was looking down at earth and saw all of the rascally behavior that was going on. So He called one of His angels to go to earth for a time.
When he returned, he told God, "Yes, it is bad on Earth; 95% are misbehaving and only 5% are not."
God thought for a moment and said, "Maybe I had better send down another angel to get a second opinion."
So God called another angel and sent him to earth for a time, too.
When the angel returned he went to God and said, "Yes, it's true. The earth is in decline; 95% are misbehaving, but 5% are being good."
God was not pleased. So He decided to e-mail the 5 % who were good, because He wanted to encourage them, give them a little something to help them keep going.
Do you know what the e-mail said?
No?
Okay, just checking. I didn't get one either...
When he returned, he told God, "Yes, it is bad on Earth; 95% are misbehaving and only 5% are not."
God thought for a moment and said, "Maybe I had better send down another angel to get a second opinion."
So God called another angel and sent him to earth for a time, too.
When the angel returned he went to God and said, "Yes, it's true. The earth is in decline; 95% are misbehaving, but 5% are being good."
God was not pleased. So He decided to e-mail the 5 % who were good, because He wanted to encourage them, give them a little something to help them keep going.
Do you know what the e-mail said?
No?
Okay, just checking. I didn't get one either...
New Lexus
We bought a new Lexus, you know the one that parks itself but I had to go back to the dealer the next day because I couldn't get the radio to work.
The salesman explained that the radio was voice activated.
"Nelson," the salesman said to the radio.
The Radio replied, "Ricky or Willie?"
"Willie!" he continued and "On the Road Again" came from the speakers.
Then he said, "Ray Charles," and in an instant " Georgia on My Mind" replaced Willie Nelson.
I drove away happy, and for the next few days, every time I'd say, "Soggy Bottom Boys," I'd get beautiful bluegrass music, and if I said, Beatles," I'd get one of their awesome songs.
Yesterday, a couple ran a red light and nearly creamed my new car, but I swerved in time to avoid them as I shouted "Ass Holes!"
Immediately the French National Anthem began to play, sung by Jane Fonda and Barbara Streisand, backed up by Michael Moore and The Dixie Chicks, with John Kerry on guitar, Al Gore on drums, Dan Rather on harmonica, Nancy Pelosi on tambourine, Harry Reid on spoons, Bill Clinton on sax and Ted Kennedy on Scotch.
Golly, I LOVE this car.
The salesman explained that the radio was voice activated.
"Nelson," the salesman said to the radio.
The Radio replied, "Ricky or Willie?"
"Willie!" he continued and "On the Road Again" came from the speakers.
Then he said, "Ray Charles," and in an instant " Georgia on My Mind" replaced Willie Nelson.
I drove away happy, and for the next few days, every time I'd say, "Soggy Bottom Boys," I'd get beautiful bluegrass music, and if I said, Beatles," I'd get one of their awesome songs.
Yesterday, a couple ran a red light and nearly creamed my new car, but I swerved in time to avoid them as I shouted "Ass Holes!"
Immediately the French National Anthem began to play, sung by Jane Fonda and Barbara Streisand, backed up by Michael Moore and The Dixie Chicks, with John Kerry on guitar, Al Gore on drums, Dan Rather on harmonica, Nancy Pelosi on tambourine, Harry Reid on spoons, Bill Clinton on sax and Ted Kennedy on Scotch.
Golly, I LOVE this car.
Country Bitches vs. City Bitches
A city bitch will take you where you need to go.
A country bitch throws you her keys and says it needs gas in it!
A city bitch will tell you not to fight, it aint worth it.
A country bitch will say beat her ass and look at the crowd and say "better
nobody jump in".
A city bitch will let another bitch know she can back the f*** up or get knocked
the f*** out.
A country bitch will just knock her out!!!
A city bitch tells you, she's had enough to drink.
A country bitch tells you we need another shot, we bout to get f-ed up!
A city bitch goes to the club with you and sits down.
A country bitch goes to the club with you and says lets show these city bitches
how we do it.
A city bitch wonders who your new man is.
A country bitch knows his first name, last name , his birthday, where he lives,
who he's related to, what kinda car he drive's, where he works,
how many babies mama's he has, and how many bitches he is talking to right
now!!!
A city bitch thinks the friendship is over when you have an argument.
A country bitch lets you know that was f***ed up, but I still love you."
A city bitch expects you to always be there for them.
A country bitch knows you will always be there for them, they don't have to
expect shit.
A city bitch reads this message, realizes that she is a city bitch and then
deletes it.
A country bitch passes this to her country bitches without thinking about it.
A country bitch throws you her keys and says it needs gas in it!
A city bitch will tell you not to fight, it aint worth it.
A country bitch will say beat her ass and look at the crowd and say "better
nobody jump in".
A city bitch will let another bitch know she can back the f*** up or get knocked
the f*** out.
A country bitch will just knock her out!!!
A city bitch tells you, she's had enough to drink.
A country bitch tells you we need another shot, we bout to get f-ed up!
A city bitch goes to the club with you and sits down.
A country bitch goes to the club with you and says lets show these city bitches
how we do it.
A city bitch wonders who your new man is.
A country bitch knows his first name, last name , his birthday, where he lives,
who he's related to, what kinda car he drive's, where he works,
how many babies mama's he has, and how many bitches he is talking to right
now!!!
A city bitch thinks the friendship is over when you have an argument.
A country bitch lets you know that was f***ed up, but I still love you."
A city bitch expects you to always be there for them.
A country bitch knows you will always be there for them, they don't have to
expect shit.
A city bitch reads this message, realizes that she is a city bitch and then
deletes it.
A country bitch passes this to her country bitches without thinking about it.
Thursday, July 26, 2007
Good Bye Weekly World News :( Θ Θ
In case you haven't heard, the Weekly World News announced that they will no longer be publishing and selling their weekly news magizen.
This is SO SAD!!
Personally, I love the Weekly World News and hate to see it go -- after all, I can only take so much of Lindsey's latest rehab stories, who's too skiny, too fat, and who's cheating on who.
I even got my current events for high school history out of that paper!!
The Weekly World News is going to be missed! But I have gathered a few of the best covers for your enjoyment!
This is SO SAD!!
Personally, I love the Weekly World News and hate to see it go -- after all, I can only take so much of Lindsey's latest rehab stories, who's too skiny, too fat, and who's cheating on who.
I even got my current events for high school history out of that paper!!
The Weekly World News is going to be missed! But I have gathered a few of the best covers for your enjoyment!
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
